Suddenly it feels like we are on the way to having another baby in our family.
Appointments with doctors and counsellors are over pretty much, we are up to the day 21 blood test and drugs starting on Friday.
I am trying, in fact I think we both are, trying to be hopeful but cautious thou we seem to be having reasonably regular conversations that go like this...
"XXXX is a nice name don't you think?"
"Yes, that is lovely"
So far we have kept this pretty much to ourselves (I think we have both talked about it to our two oldest friends each basically and then we have only provided them with pretty sketchy details). We have both lived this before under the spotlight of family and friends and suffered the consequences of 'support' that actually just ends up feeling like pressure and 'comfort' that ends up feeling rather cold. I know now and I knew then that those who love me only had my heart in mind when they commented and questioned and those who were just curious were probably well meaning as well, but I have been glad to keep this basically between us. I found it such a stress to feel 'watched' before.
But, as the date of the new beginning moves closer, I found myself at dinner last night, talking about it with an old friend who I see only sometimes (because life gets away from us both) and I found myself feeling unable to stop smiling as I talked about it. The hoping came upon me suddenly, as she exclaimed 'how exciting you always wanted this' and the pragmatic Clare slipped away somewhere. No doubt she will return, but today I am enjoying being suddenly and quietly hopeful.