Tuesday, June 19, 2007


I'm kind of bored to be honest. Bored at work. I have been this way for awhile now - kind of bored. There are good things about my job. It is so close to home I can pop home for lunch . it is so close to school I can do reading and it is like I have popped out for a coffee. There is lots and lots of sick leave (10 weeks per year!) which can be used as parenting/carers leave. My boss is okay - good about the personal stuff but pretty unpredictable and rather controlling about the work stuff. Which is, well, annoying at this (skilled) stage of my life.

Soooo - what to do? I have been here 15 months. (Did I mention that once I cross over to two years it is 20 weeks paid maternity leave NOT that I am thinking very much about getting pregnant). 15 months when most of my jobs have last a couple of years at least. My last agency I was in for almost four years thou I changed jobs in that time. My point being it doesn't look too bad on the CV - 15 months I mean. Do I stick with the slightly boring, slightly annoying job and boss with issues I keep trying to care about (but don't) with completely fabulous conditions or do I move on??

Gaye thinks I should find something else that I like more, Gaye's mum thinks I should wear it as it is so good family wise. My Dad loves the status of the organisation I work for....

I have an interview today for a job in a private company. I haven't worked in a private company before - what they do is try and get business to support community organisations and mentor social entrepreneurs. I'd be the research and evaluation girl and they said I could work from home two days a week. Sounds ok...huh? But is has taken them 10 weeks to get this far in the process and I am a bit worried it will be just like here. A bit boring, not quite enough to keep me busy. This is my today task - to interview them as well as they interview me!

Plus - a job I think I would like has come up at my old agency. I did like working there and I think I could do it. +++ good money, some interstate travel, might be a bit more interesting. -- less time at home, school reading etc etc would be a wash out.

It is the whole work life balance thing. Do you think it is to much to expect, interesting job, reasonable hours and good pay?

Friday, June 08, 2007

Beyond ...

I am beyond tired, beyond worn out, beyond anything. I just want to crawl into bed and never get out. This cold has taken hold of me and I feel like it is never going to leave. Gaye’s got it to now. Samuel and Thomas a coughing occasionally but almost better. Thomas didn’t want to go to school this morning – he was playing on his bed with lego and I nearly said okay.

We have had him for the whole week as his dad is away – and it is so lovely. I wish he were with me all the time. Most years I have had at least a month where his Dad has gone away – but not this year – in fact he is wanting more and more time with him as he gets older, which is a bit depressing. Still he spends most of his time with us and all of his weekends – I try and keep my mind on that.

A quiet weekend ahead – that is my plan. I have cancelled everything and everyone and am planning lots of rest and board games!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

fear, relief, exhausted

I have been planning on writing this post all morning, but I just couldn't think of what to call it and then I just decided to go with the feelings of the last week.

Last Wednesday night around 10:30 we took Al to hospital as his breathing was pretty rugger ed, and having a history of asthma in the family we thought he might need some assistance. We took him to the local 24 hour GP clinic and he was transferred by ambulance to the great big children's hospital with Gaye in the ambulance and me following along in the car behind.

At this point he seemed sick but OK but they insisted on the ambulance as they said 'babies this small can go down hill very fast' they were right. At 11:00 they put him on oxygen, at 1:00 am he stopped feeding very much, at 3:00 he showed no interest at all in feeding. At 4:00 I finally convinced Gaye to have a rest in a chair next to the bed, we had been up all the night and he had been restless with his cold all week, it was clear she was going to have to stay in hospital with him for at least a few days. She fell to sleep and I sat in a chair with Al in my arms watching him. Suddenly his stats dropped, the machines went off and he went completely limp in my arms, I called to Gaye to get the nurse, she woke up to see him completely limp and clearly not breathing, the nurses and doctors came running. He got himself breathing again. This happened again four more times in the next hour. It was terrifying, I cannot say how terrifying. My knees literally knocked, my heart was in my mouth the whole time. I was completely full of fear. I am trying to forget the way he looked at that moment and Gaye's face in the following hours and days.

They put him on a drip (Gaye cried as much as he as the cannula went in) and took blood.

We found out from the specialist later that when small babies get this virus their brains can swell and they can forget to breathe.

He came home yesterday after 5 nights in hospital and five days of oxygen and iv fluids so his system was supported while he fought the virus. He is much much better, but still not himself completely, he has a dreadful cough. He has lost some weight and some muscle tone. But he is improving everyday.

I went out and bought one of those hideously expensive baby monitors that monitor the baby breathing, we didn't think we would sleep without it. We also bought another heater (outrageously expensive) as the Dr said we have to keep the house at 21 degrees. My credit card is full to bursting. But right now I would sell anything I have to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Gaye is sick now too, I am still unwell, Thomas has a cough we are all exhausted. But we are home and together and it will all be okay.