Friday, May 30, 2008

And over this too

It all came together for me earlier this week when my boss told me I had put the commas in some figures wrong (again) that my ongoing headaches might actually not be to do only with the other health issue but to do with my eyesight.

So I took myself off to the optometrist and what do you know I need glasses for reading and computer work. Gaye assures me that this is a fabulous thing, as she loves the look of glasses. But I am feeling…well, old.

Not helped by the fact that the bloke who tested my eyes referred a number of times to my age. As in ‘when women get to your age’ and ‘women of your age group’ and ‘once you get to a certain age.’ I turn 40 this year! Humph!

I feel much older today. In fact I have felt old and worn for the last month or so. I am off to the doctor today about the other health issue. I really don’t like my choices – fat, headaches and decreasing energy (no drug) or much less fat and nauseous (with drug). Essentially my body without the drug believes I am pregnant.

Basically I swing back and forward to getting so fat I can’t bear myself (which is where I am now) and so I go and get a new script for the drug. There I sit for a year or two taking it and then I get so over feeling nauseous that I give up the drug. It isn’t a good set of choices and since no other treatments have seemed to help it is just one of the things I manage (by having broad sized wardrobe) and luckily a patient partner!

On the plus side Thomas was with me yesterday. He helped pick my glasses (go black and square Mum they are cool)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Over it

Gawd I am completely over Kevin 07 and this relentless talk about petrol prices. I was feeling so positive about Kev in the early months,but I think he has got himself completely tied up in - what Josh (Wes*t Wing I am a BIG fan) would call 'the trivia.' This week he has been sidelined into the henson debate (which is too silly to even talk about to my mind), ongoing drama about petrol prices (ahh hello people didn't we vote for him because he was going to do something about green house gasses and public transport infrastructure surely these two things alone are reason enough to leave petrol prices where they are - take down the GST on healthy food if you want to do something for "working families" - don't get me started on that) and his child care costs (how he spends his allowance for staff really truly does not bother me a bit).

I am disappointed in Kev, I was lulled into a sense of vision by his first few months.
Now we are back to the stuff that just makes all of us annoyed at politicians.

Monday, May 26, 2008

seperated parenting

i posted this earlier today on LPA - I thought I would add it here...

I notice how many of us have kids from prior relationships and we talk about seperated parenting now in the world generally alot - like it is nothing. I wonder if this is so for other isn't so for me...

I broke up with Thomas's Dad when he was 3.5 years old. It wasn't my decision to break up - it wasn't a sexuality thing - and it was way hard to find my way through it. Thomas is nine now, and his Dad and I have always kept things friendly enough– no court dramas thank the goddess – and we have a fairly flexible arrangement but with agreed parenting orders which divide his week 3 nights with his Dad and 4 nights with me. We have the same rules at each house about most things - bedtime and the amount of tv and Nintendo each day etc. There have been plenty of difficult times – don't get me wrong – any change for either us has been difficult for the other I think. But we have managed overall to keep things friendly so that Thomas is clear at least that he is completely loved by both of us and that we communicate with each other about most things.

In the beginning he spent much more time with me – more like 5 – 6 nights most weeks. His Dad also went away for anything between 1 – 3 months a year on holidays and traveling. A couple of years ago thou his Dad got married and I guess Thomas got older and maybe a bit more interesting for his Dad – they started skiing together and his Dad coaches his sports team etc and slowly things have changed.

Thomas is nine and a bit now. I have been doing this for six years. Handing him over, giving him away most weeks for some of each week. And for me the pain and grief of that goes on. It has got better but it goes on. I can rationalize it to myself about the importance of his relationship with his Dad, about how it has been good at times to have time to spend with Gaye – and now lovely Al – without the particular responsibilities of a(nother) child at home. He gets access to many more fabulous holidays, has now one devoted (Gaye) and one very caring (his Dad's wife) step-parent which adds to the crowd of those who love him and his extended family, he has Al – sibling whom he loves and his loved by, there is no doubt in my mind that Thomas feels that he is the centre of his family.

Despite being as happy as can be in my relationship with Gaye and now having Al to love …for me the sense of loss continues to grow as each year goes by – not withstanding the increasing ease there is in being able to communicate with him by phone, email, school story reading etc etc, each day that he does not sleep with me. As he grows I realize more and more how much I have missed (and most weeks I see him everyday). How the missing goes on – will go on. How the loss is ever lasting…

I do know that this is about me and not him. If he wants to see me or his Dad he just says so and we organize it. He expresses no concern about his life of going back and forwards. Although I guess this could come back to bite us later.

Anyway … I just wondered how others find the separated parenting story… I don't think in the throws of the breakup I had a real sense of how this would impact on me – I was worried about him and for him – but I had no sense of the neverendingness of the process…

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

working from home

I am 'working from home' this morning which actually means I am on Al duty until 1:00and then I will work on the work I should be doing at work tonight at home. Gaye is working and studying all the hours of the day and night and Al has been unwell with a cold so we are back to the beginning in the night time sleeping stakes - thou he is sleeping well during the day (possibly because he is so tired from his night time activities).

We went to Canberra for the weekend and stayed with my folks while Thomas attended my niece's 10th birthday. Gaye and I sank into the comfy couches of a beautifully warmed house and ate roast lamb cooked with veggies and pomegranate from my mother's garden.

Whenever we go to Canberra (now that my mother has come over all pretty comfy with the whole lesbian thing) we relax and feel taken care of. Gaye always really looks forward to visits to my parents. She calls it respite as they do look after us. I look forward to it less - as I am still a bit resentful at my mother's interaction with me over the past few years.

We also have discussion about what it would be like to live in a house the size of my parents with access to huge parks and tracks of land all around them for kids to play and bike ride. Mind you at my brothers equally large and very closely located house I don't get the same sense of peace - which brings me to the conclusion that it is actually more about the lack of having kids with their toys, bikes, scooters and need for constant feeding that actually brings about the peace in my parents home. After a bit thou I miss the noise and mess and chaos and am pretty happy to get home.

Anyway - since the boy is sleeping I should do some work. I am really posting because I got my new header from Cali and wanted to put it up and suggest that if anyone is creatively useless as me they should go ahead and click on that button down there on the right and get her to work on one for you.

Thursday, May 15, 2008


I am very - as Thomas would say - sicited because Cali is making me a new header. I am not all that creative - at least in the design way, I am a creative cook and I like to look at creative things. I am surrounded by creative people - artists, architects, writers and musicians make up my oldest and dearest friends. But for myself I am unable to feel confident about doing much more than the kids birthday invitations and the photo albums.

Cali is trying to raise her self some funds for her journey to motherhood while being the devoted and dead funny carer or her grandmother. So I am more than happy to leave the creative to the creative.

She works 'fastly' - Thomas again - and has already sent me a pretty fabby mock-up. I just forgot to tell her I don't (as in really really don't) like pink (except on my friends children!)...

So be prepared to enjoy our all new look in the coming days ...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


Both the boys were sick on Mothers Day so we had a really low key laid back sort of day. It started with Thomas making us both a very professional cup of tea in bed, plus the traditional swapping of gifts - hot reduggies for me and a massage for Gaye. Thomas wrote dead amusing things in our cards. Asking on behalf of Al that there be no more rides in cars or planes and tell me that I rock. All good.

We finished the day with a walk and a lovely homemade curry and chocolate biscuits.


Thursday, May 08, 2008


course none of that goes for HR who are driving me completely and utterly insane at the moment...

worth the effort

Gaye is probably the politest person I know. She always says her pleases and thank yous, she is always kind and polite to everyone regardless of how often she will see them or any role they may be taking on in their working or personal lives. She engages with the people around her all the time - meets their eyes and smiles (she can
be a bit of flirt but that is another story) waves to folks in other cars when they let her in at the lights etc etc. Even when someone is rude to her she usually responds with very good manners - and an even tone which is dead impressive (and probably more effective) when she is rebuking.

I am not always so polite. I wouldn't go so far as to say I am regularly rude or anything but I don't have the impeccable manners she does. I sometimes wander off to bed without saying goodnight. I can be distracted by the phone or the kids and so not always engage with the person I am buying my milk from. I try, but I am not anywhere near Gaye.

It has taken some effort on my part to teach Thomas to look people in the eye when they come and go and greet/farewell them properly (he was very shy as a small boy but at 9 and the size of your average 13 year old this is not a good look). And my father was such a beast about table manners (thou he is a completely warm and fuzzy grandparent on this issue) and so I have some issues and have relied heavily on Gaye to be the leader in this department.

As I have got older I have become increasingly intolerant of bad behaviour (I am working my way to being a grumpy old woman) and I have however become an excellent feedback via email person (FvE) which has effectively curbed me losing my temper at call centre types who tell me 'the computer says no' over and over and through really no fault of their own cop my frustration and anger. And I have found that an complaint email generally gets a more proactive response anyway, plus the boys don't see me lose my temper so much AND I don't feel as bad afterwards as I am more measured when I need to write something down.

Simultaneously in the last couple of years I have become increasingly aware of how important it is to thank the people who do the stuff that we all rely on so I have taken to emailing my thanks to staff in hospitals who treat the boys well and hotels where someone took a little extra effort with us.

This week I have emailed new school (the headmistress) just to say thanks for all of the extra effort and the patience the teachers and administrative staff at the school have shown while we settle in. I also emailed my local member (whose son went to my sons school last year and so we worked on sausage sizzles together) to say that I appreciate the direction the Government is taking in relation to the same-sex parenting stuff.

Both have replied saying it is so nice to get back positive feedback I am feeling like it was worth the effort..

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

were you up?

That was how Gaye greeted me this morning...were you up with the baby during the night? The answer 'no were you?'

We can not get over the miracle that is the baby bliss experience. Gaye and I were so not up for the cont*l crying business. But the process that Jo talked us through has resulted in the baby sleeping day (2 sleeps one of an hour and one of two hours) and night(from 8 - 7 last night) and without any awful drama or stress on his or our part.

Last night he went through the whole night without waking at three - which has been his way since Jo came to see us. He is so happy, he was always happy and easygoing, but now he literally sings and grins his way through the day. We have regained our ability to construct sentences - even at 8 pm. I had forgotten what it was not to be tired I think. It is all good.

Gaye and Al are off for a couple of days tomorrow to stay with some friends in Armidale which will be lovely for them. Thomas and I are going to do some big boy things and on Saturday he is going to surfing with his Dad in the afternoon. So I will be alone. Alone. I am not really a person who craves time on my own, I usually prefer to be with the kids and Gaye. But I so rarely get time on my own I am full of plans for myself. Plan A at the moment? I am thinking of having a massage and then retiring to bed for the afternoon with my new bookclub book...

Monday, May 05, 2008

Ring Ring

Why won't they ring me?

They rang my second referee last week and she said it had all sounded good.

And so now I am waiting again for them to ring me.

It is like a terrible torture from an ex-lover - each time I move on a bit, move away, they do something to tantalise me and make me think that maybe maybe I have got it.

Why don't they ring...

constant raving

On Saturday night Gaye and I went out to see the lovely and amazing kdlang. I know I know we are living up to all sorts of stereotypes but the woman can really really sing. We weren't going to to go - although we wanted to - cause the tickets were expensive and we thought it was a bit extravagant. But then this was in the paper and we saw there were still tickets so we did it.

I am so glad we went. Her voice was amazing, amazing, amazing and the whole feel was soothing and fun and easy. Plus as we walked away from the house at 7:45pm weadmitted to each other that for the first time in since Al was born neither of us was feeling worn out to tired to go out really or worried about leaving him.

Al is sleeping like an angel - I am talking two solid sleeps each day and 11 - 12 hours of maybe broken once sleep at night. It istruly amazing how different we all feel. Thomas had tried to get us to leave earlier - 'I wish you two would go and let me and Auntie Lou get on with it.' So we did, leaving them to their chocolate eclairs and dvd.

Her songs have been running like the maple syrup they are through my mind all through yesterday. Lovely. Lonely. Lovely.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Long cut

We took what Thomas calls the 'long cut' to school this morning. Walking instead of riding as I thought that the combination of dog and baby on the bike might be a bit much for me and the dog got short shift yesterday in terms of walks so I thought we should make it up to him.

I really like walking or riding to school and now Al has his very own wee rider on the bike the four of us have taken the odd social ride on the weekend with the dog with one adult, baby with another and Thomas riding along in front usually chatting away non-stop.

I have had the same bike for close to 20 years. I spent $800.00 on it 20 years ago and the first time I got on it was a revelation to me. Anyway this weekend I rode my sisters bike which is new and could not believe how comfy it was and immediately demanded that all of my extended family should give me a new bike for my upcoming 40th birthday.

I dropped into my new bike shop on my way back from dropping Thomas at his Dad's the other morning - they were heading out for a surf crazy buggers don't they know it is freezing? - and the bloke there convinced me that my bike is in fact a "classic" and so I am taking it in for some work including a new stem and seat...we shall see.

I have been off work for most of this week, the combination of a sinus infection and exhaustion I think. I am completely over my job and have been for sometime. I applied for a 'dream job' about a month ago and got an interview. I felt so pleased with myself for getting the interview as the position is a significant one in the area which I have worked in for the last 15 years and so was pretty horrified when I stuffed up the interview - a combination of nerves and out of practice I think. So gave up on the whole idea. It was pretty weird to find out they had rung one of my referees about a week later and I began to get my hopes up. it is all a bit odd now - as they left two messages for my other referee but have not returned her three calls and I haven't heard a thing. Government moves slowly at times - but this slowly?

Anyway - having me at home for the best part of the week as been pretty lovely (for us all) I think. We have assumed our 'natural' selves in someways as Gaye has worked alot - which she loves. And things, with full-time not working at home parent, have been pretty smooth at home. Thomas is with us all week as his Dad is working again but it has been so easy with someone with no other responsibilities - even while we have been doing baby boot camp. It has reminded me how much I do like this.

So I have decided to no longer fight Gaye's ongoing suggestion that she works full time and I start looking for some interesting, not to badly paid but mainly not overly stressful part-time work and be the mostly at home one. Sounds pretty fabulous huh! Guess we will be taking the long cut a bit more often Thomas, Al and I.