For months now I have planned to tell my mother about the baby this weekend. We wanted to wait until we got past 14 weeks and it is after my mother’s birthday tomorrow. You see I know my mother is not going to be happy about the baby. Her basic objection to me being in a same sex relationship is that (apparently apart from basically thinking same sex relationships are immoral) she believes it is not a good environment for children. And she thinks it is bad for Thomas.
Not that long ago I had a good relationship with my mum, but somewhere along the way I suddenly realised that was probably because I hadn’t done anything to challenge her ideas about where and what I would be.
She isn’t a crazy Christian or a mad right-winger. She has been completely cool about meeting, hanging out with my gay and lesbian friends over the years, her and my Dad have a couple of their own who they hang out with. She is pro- land rights, has pro-migration and anti-war type views. I am pretty sure she has voted Green in the last few elections, she has walked to say ‘sorry’ to Aboriginal Australia, she is pro-choice.
When I told her about Gaye (I wrote her a letter which my Dad who is supportive gave to her) she didn’t speak to me for months. It really has taken the best part of two years for us to talk even close to normally and even now although she is perfectly polite to Gaye when she sees her, and we have stayed at her home together, she never actually asks me about Gaye when we talk on the phone or via email. And regularly there is this particular tone in her voice, which I can’t really describe, but it basically it is cold and disapproving. Not that long ago we used to talk 3 or 4 times a week. Not that long ago I felt supported and loved by her.
The onoing problem is despite feeling disappointed and angry with her, I do really love my Mum.
I tried (at my family’s urging) to be patient and understanding, to meet intolerance with tolerance. I continue to try (at Gaye’s urging) what she calls ‘lesbian desensitisation’ which basically involves mentioning Gaye and I as a family as often as possible. (Last we spoke I mentioned how the lady we are buying our house off said she was so happy to sell to such a lovely family for example).
I completely lost the plot about 10 months in and yelled at her for about an hour and half about being a mother who cared more about her ‘values’ than her feelings for me.
Things improved after that (in that she rang the house and started being pleasant to Gaye) and they have gradually got better. But I still morn the loss of my close and supportive relationship with my mum.
What I get out of our contact these days is related more to her relationship with Thomas (which I nurtured at every opportunity before and since) he loves her and she loves him in an open and joyful fashion.
I am so nervous about telling her about the baby. I haven’t told my brother or father either, as I don’t want to repeat the everyone else knowing before her scenario from last time. I am so nervous – cause although I know she won’t be I would love it if she was okay about it – and I am worried she will cut me off again and be cold and horrid.
And now my mother is coming to stay with my sister for a few days next week so there is no avoiding it any longer. It was going to be done this weekend, but now it must be and I feel sick and nervous about it.
I also feel like I want to tell her about the lump in my breast, I want her support but I can’t work out how to do both.