Monday, August 27, 2007

Upsetting the balance

I am a worrier. I worry. Normal mother/lover/sister/daughter/friend worry I do, plus I do a whole lot of extra worrying. Sometimes I think I need my own 12 step plan to manage it. Hello my name is XXX and I am a worrier. I have all sorts of worries, state of the world worries, health worries - making sure that garlic is actually from Australia and organic, personal worries - did I talk to much? to little... honestly the list is long long long.

One of my worries is upsetting the balance.

Life is pretty good for me. I have two beautiful boys to love and my lovely Gaye. But I want more – well as least I do some of the time. The rest of the time I worry about upsetting the balance.

The balance is the fine line of keeping everything okay. Like now for instance, Thomas is okay with Al – in fact he loves him. Al has a brother – albeit one who goes to his Dad’s a couple of nights a week (which I know is good but feels not so good!). Gaye and I are managing our workloads and bills and keeping on keeping on.

But really really I want another baby. I want to be pregnant again. I want to be the one at home with the baby. I loved being at home with a baby and I was pretty good at it too – not suffering from the boredom/loneliness etc that lots of other women experience when they are at home with a young baby. I liked it – mulching about with Thomas and I am forever grateful for those days (especially now he goes to his Dads). Anyway that is off the track – see the issue is really balance and my worry about it.

Why would I upset things when they are all good. I am 39 at the end of the year; my first baby will be 9 in February. Might it worry him to come and go from a household with two small babies, will he feel cast out from a 2nd family (right now he feels at the centre I believe – he himself strongly believes that he is Al’s favourite person for example). Will it tip things over the edge for us money wise (we would need a bigger house and car for example) and what do we do with those two e*bies on ice of Gaye's if it is me who gets pregnant. There are many reasons not to do it.

I always saw myself with a household of children, a family when grown that came together on a huge long table to feast in a household that they had grown up in on a table they had sat around many many times.

My life and Thomas' life have just not been like that so far. It was just us for awhile and although the houses we have lived in together we still have some connection too we don't live in them anymore and he goes between two homes.

Thomas has been the centre of my world for a very long time now and I did wonder about my ability to love another child in the same way - especially one I didn't carry. As it turns out I continue to stun myself with the ways in which I feel just the same about Al. In fact I bite my tongue all the time not to be over controlling about his care - given it is Gaye who is actually at home with him most of the time. It is hard for me to make a decision without judging what the potential impacts might be on Thomas and Al. And I worry about upsetting the balance.

I guess the thing with me these days is I do really see things can change so quickly and profoundly. My life does not resemble the life I thought I would have 10 years - even 5 years ago. That finding and keeping balance is actually a constant act of conscious behaviour. That in lots of ways our relationships are delicate beings that need to be handled gently and consistently. That I should be grateful for what I have...

This is a long and rambling post - and leads to no conclusion. But I do feel better for it....

4 comments:

Holly said...

It sounds like in your heart you want another one.
BTW - Lois had Andrew at 39!

amanda said...

Glad you shared those thoughts...those are seriously tough issues to ponder. While i will be so happy to get pregnant, both T and i mourn the fact that she won't be having any children herself. And then sometimes i revisit the idea of harvesting her eggs for me, or vice versa, and know that it wouldn't be a wise choice (financially, although i doubt we could ever even scrounge up enough for that anyway).
We also think about our living situation and finances right now--major transitions like me going back to school and T starting her own business. Is this the RIGHT time for us to have kids? Who knows.
i wish i had some answers for you. Probably talking it through ad nauseum with Gaye and following your heart is the best answer...

Lori said...

Hi,
New reader of your blog. I can completely relate to the not wanting to upset the balance, and being worried about your son.
I have a 10 yr old daughter. She has never met her father (we seperated when I was pregnant) but she spends one weekend a month with my homophobic parents (court ordered). For the past decade it has just been the 2 of us but then in Jan I met my soulmate and we are getting married (even if howard won't recognise it) in March next year. She wants to have a child (planning on starting to try in Jan) and before meeting her I wanted another child myself but was concerned about how my daughter would cope.

Now I wonder if we both have bubs will it seem that we are starting a new family and excluding my 10 yr old daughter (well she'll be 11 by the time we start trying).

I too have wondered whether I will love my partners child as much as my own. And I have wondered about age as I will be 35 next year and never imagined having a child in my 30's (though I know it's young still compared to most women these days).

You mentioned about Gaye's eggs. Could you maybe carry one of those? That way it is both of your's and you will have your pregnancy but not have to worry about what to do with Gaye's babies on ice.

Good luck.

Clare said...

Lori

Thanks for your comments - it is always nice to know I am not alone in my worries!

My Thomas was so anti the idea of either Gaye or I having a baby and I can not emphasise enough how ok it has been. Thomas loves Al and is completely accepting of him in our lives. It took him awhile to agree that Al was indeed mine too (not just Gaye's with me helping) but he is really ok with that now too.

Good luck with your wedding and your trying