Tuesday, May 09, 2006

not tired - deafeated

I have been feeling a bit tired lately ... at least that is how I have explained it to myself, new job, house hunting and an ongoing maybe baby discussion seemed like reason enough.

But I have realised today that it is not that I am tired - I am feeling a bit defeated. I am not one to complain usually about the rigors of child rearing - I basically love this part of my life but I do not know what to do about this child of mine and I feel like a completely crappy parent. The last time I felt like this was when he was 4 (that was a completely challenging year). Since then, although I have had hard times myself, most of the time I have felt like I do a pretty good job as a parent. Not perfect but much better than bad. We have had a good and close relationship he and I, and we had a completely lovely holiday - just the two of us - early this year in which we talked and talked and hung out and spent time together in an easy and companionable way. Right now, the idea of a holiday with him ... well I just wouldn't take it up as an option.

I have no solutions. I seem unable to get through to Thomas while he goes through this difficult stage of arguing, complaining and negotiating every event and item in his life. I regularly find myself saying things like 'because I said so' and 'if it isn't positive Thomas don't say it' usually in a “very loud voice.” Our 'little talks' seems to have no impact. Providing more structure doesn't seem to make much difference, spending more time with him and/or organising more time for him to be with his friends all seem to make little difference. Coming down on him has not helped things, jollying him out of it doesn't work, talking things through just makes me more frustrated.

I know he has a lot of change in his life this year and last. But it seems to me these changes have been handled in a very child friendly way in the most part. He is clear and confident that he is the centre of the world for us.

I am completely defeated

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