i am a bit weary

but it is all my own fault. We got our season three L Word which arrived in the post last night and despite having stayed up until 3am on Tuesday morning to watch the socceroos almost get there with the soccer mad Thomas we stayed up until 2am watching.

For this I pay - I have a roaring sore throat today and all I can think of is getting home to snug up and watch the rest of the series.

Suddenly we are on the way ...

Suddenly it feels like we are on the way to having another baby in our family.

Appointments with doctors and counsellors are over pretty much, we are up to the day 21 blood test and drugs starting on Friday.

I am trying, in fact I think we both are, trying to be hopeful but cautious thou we seem to be having reasonably regular conversations that go like this...

"XXXX is a nice name don't you think?"

"Yes, that is lovely"

So far we have kept this pretty much to ourselves (I think we have both talked about it to our two oldest friends each basically and then we have only provided them with pretty sketchy details). We have both lived this before under the spotlight of family and friends and suffered the consequences of 'support' that actually just ends up feeling like pressure and 'comfort' that ends up feeling rather cold. I know now and I knew then that those who love me only had my heart in mind when they commented and questioned and those who were just curious were probably well meaning as well, but I have been glad to keep this basically between us. I found it such a stress to feel 'watched' before.

But, as the date of the new beginning moves closer, I found myself at dinner last night, talking about it with an old friend who I see only sometimes (because life gets away from us both) and I found myself feeling unable to stop smiling as I talked about it. The hoping came upon me suddenly, as she exclaimed 'how exciting you always wanted this' and the pragmatic Clare slipped away somewhere. No doubt she will return, but today I am enjoying being suddenly and quietly hopeful.

Just be ...

I have been doing a bit of work on myself lately, as in with a counsellor type of work. I often feel a low level of anxiety and sometimes feel a pretty high level of anxiety. During the last year or so I have experienced intense and overwhelming anxiety attacks. So help seemed warranted.Everyone said that anxiety could be managed really easily with the right sort of help.

Yesterday, we were focussing on me 'just being', no long winded explanations for my thinking or doing, no trying to keep the balance, no trying to keep everyone happy, just being. Cause the theory (as I understand it!) is that just who I am is enough.

Goood god, it is hard to just be. Usually i would tell Gaye everything that happened at the session and how I felt about it and ask her opinion. But last night I tried to just be. I am not very good at it!

go on cross the floor

I have been listening as I work today to the 'debate' in our Federal Parliament about the Civil Unions legisation in Canberra.

As I write this they are voting... and I feel teary.

I feel teary not because I want myself that much to get married. My relationship is strong and needs no outside approval or endorsement. But because I think I should have the right to. Because it would restore some of my faith in some of the ideals that I want this country to have...justice, equity, tolerance.

I so want one of those right-wingers to stand up and walk across the floor.

Interviewed

Shelli has asked us some questions and Gaye and I are so excited to be interviewed for the first time on the blog so we are answering them together. By the way - Shelli and Narda we think your girl is completely gorgeous!

1) Besides tea, what other things would be nice to “magically appear” for you?

Apart from another baby...and a perfect home at a reasonable price? Hmmm - we could go big picture and wish for a true social justice and equity in this country - we seem to be moving further and further away from a 'fair go' in Australia. Or perhaps something more realistic - a gorgeous day filled with good friends and great food!

I could mention the thing we both are wishing would magically disappear which is about 5 kilos (Gaye) and 10 kilos (Clare) - back to WW we go! (Perhaps we should enter into a cyber pact Shelli? )

2) What is the best and worst thing about being a soccer "mum?"

I will answer this one (Clare), as this is completely my gig! The best thing is getting to know Thomas' friends and see him enjoy something. He loves it and I like being part of it with him. I love that he is growing and getting his own interests and passions. It is completely funny watching them play. The worst thing is when people take it over seriously and how adults completely loose the ability to do things (like remember where they are meant to be and when) when they have another adult (ie me) who does remember.

3) Now that KD has said he can no longer go through with it, what is your next step - will you go with a new KD, or with frozen?

Gaye said ‘well we are going with frozen’ and I said you would probably want more detail … we had to move to another clinic because the one we were with wont use unknown. We had to wait about a month to get in there – that was two weeks ago. We went for the appointment and apart from the fact that the Dr was completely annoying the really shitty thing was that she went through the whole thing of asking us four hundred questions (including my history for some reason I don’t understand) at the very end she said – very nice but we don’t have any sperm for single women or lesbians and are not sure when we will. Basically, don’t call us we will call you. We walked out of the appointment $250.00 out of pocket and with low spirits.

The next morning I did a bit of a ring around other clinics in the (not so) local area asking the ridiculous question of ‘hello, do you have any sperm for single women/lesbians?’ I found one that did and so we have an appointment there next week…

So we wait again.

Fingers crossed….

4) Would you care to talk more about the pink elephant - aka - the tumour and the meds?

I am going to answer this one too (Gaye would probably have a different answer!)

Well, it isn’t all that exciting or interesting really – in fact it is dead boring. I have a pituitary adenoma, which makes my poor body think it is permanently in a state of PMT.
I have been through all sorts of drugs and treatments and times in my life where I haven’t taken anything... up until recently it was always a decision about what would make me feel worse side effects of the drugs or the tumour itself. It impacts on my fertility but makes me a fabulous breast feeder!

It has been pretty devastating for me at times – the fertility issues and the acceptance of a condition that needs to be managed. I have had a pretty conflicted relationship with my body and my inability to manage this without ongoing medication has felt like a failure.

About three months ago (after falling to pieces yet again) I went on a new drug, which seems to have much less side effects and am hopeful it will prove a long term solution.


5) Describe your fantasy wedding with Gaye.

I can honestly say that Gaye and I have never had a detailed conversation about this. Marriage is not a legal possibility in Australia (and won’t be anytime soon) for gals like us. It feels a long long away.

So you have prompted this…

We would like a celebration with our family and friends where we can declare our love and intention to be with each other always. For us it would be lovely to have the blessing of family and friends and the public and legal acknowledgement of our relationship. We would like that for us and for Thomas.

Knowing us it would involve good food, good red wine at a place that was comfortable and inviting for the people we love. For Thomas there would be cake, streamers, balloons and dancing. The attention would be on us for a short while, followed by an evening or afternoon of enjoyment for everyone

If you want to play too, leave me a comment saying "interview me." The first five commenters will be the participants.

* I will respond by asking you five questions.
* You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
* You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
* When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

whose news?

Thomas is off school today - with a sore throat and an almost lost voice. The school rang yesterday and I went and picked him up between meetings (indeed I am a mother who dropped her not 100% well child at school because I had a meeting) and brought him back to work with me for the afternoon.

Thomas loves coming into work, the chocolate chip biscuits, the computer and mainly the sitting with the hole puncher and some glue and some shiney bits and making bits of art for my work walls. Gaye scored one yesterday for her office too. At my previous job we were just down the road from Gaye, and we could see her building from my window. Thomas would wave at her and email and tell her he was waving.

But today he is off school for the whole day. And Wednesday is my regular day in his classroom. Wednesday is also Thomas' news day... a much thought about and discussed event each week. We often count the number of sleeps until Wednesday.

So, I know I am truely loved, because when I spoke to him just a few minutes ago he said "Hey Mum if you go into school this morning , you can do my news if you like"

raining

It is raining here, raining and raining and raining. Not over the catchment mind (why did they put that catchment there anyway?) but it is so gorgeous to have rain. To have it constant and plentiful, to have it soaking in the dry earth, it feels like winter, it feels clean. It is lovely.

It is also raining comments on civil unions and GLBT families. I am choosing - and this takes an INCREDIBLE amount of active thinking - to believe that it is a good thing that at least these things are being discussed and there does seem to be some reasonable conversations going on, in amongst the madness.

In the last couple of weeks there has been a ridiculous argument here about the use of a series of books written by a girl and her lesbian mum in a day care centre. And although the local tabloid went ape the local mayor stood firm, and the state Education Minister didn't entirely buckle. (She would be completely mad too - she lives in the area where the day care centre is). In fact, our kids go to the same, very inclusive school.

Today the civil unions for same sex couples legislation that has been passed in Canberra is going to Cabinet for discussion. And although there was complete hysteria at the thought of gay marriage, there seems some reasonable chance this will get through. And, call me Pollyanna; the right wing proposed private members bill and HEROC inquiry into discrimination against those in same sex relationships gives me heart.

Still, it is beyond me completely, when I see my boy and my gal snugged up on the lounge watching Star Trek (okay that is another story!) or Uno or him doing a painting for her or waiting up in bed for her to get home from work, how anybody could be even remotely concerned that our family is some sort of problem or threat to anything.