or

Maybe I am just scared. Scared of re-visiting my infertilty. That month by month failure. Maybe all the worry is just a mask for that

Upsetting the balance

I am a worrier. I worry. Normal mother/lover/sister/daughter/friend worry I do, plus I do a whole lot of extra worrying. Sometimes I think I need my own 12 step plan to manage it. Hello my name is XXX and I am a worrier. I have all sorts of worries, state of the world worries, health worries - making sure that garlic is actually from Australia and organic, personal worries - did I talk to much? to little... honestly the list is long long long.

One of my worries is upsetting the balance.

Life is pretty good for me. I have two beautiful boys to love and my lovely Gaye. But I want more – well as least I do some of the time. The rest of the time I worry about upsetting the balance.

The balance is the fine line of keeping everything okay. Like now for instance, Thomas is okay with Al – in fact he loves him. Al has a brother – albeit one who goes to his Dad’s a couple of nights a week (which I know is good but feels not so good!). Gaye and I are managing our workloads and bills and keeping on keeping on.

But really really I want another baby. I want to be pregnant again. I want to be the one at home with the baby. I loved being at home with a baby and I was pretty good at it too – not suffering from the boredom/loneliness etc that lots of other women experience when they are at home with a young baby. I liked it – mulching about with Thomas and I am forever grateful for those days (especially now he goes to his Dads). Anyway that is off the track – see the issue is really balance and my worry about it.

Why would I upset things when they are all good. I am 39 at the end of the year; my first baby will be 9 in February. Might it worry him to come and go from a household with two small babies, will he feel cast out from a 2nd family (right now he feels at the centre I believe – he himself strongly believes that he is Al’s favourite person for example). Will it tip things over the edge for us money wise (we would need a bigger house and car for example) and what do we do with those two e*bies on ice of Gaye's if it is me who gets pregnant. There are many reasons not to do it.

I always saw myself with a household of children, a family when grown that came together on a huge long table to feast in a household that they had grown up in on a table they had sat around many many times.

My life and Thomas' life have just not been like that so far. It was just us for awhile and although the houses we have lived in together we still have some connection too we don't live in them anymore and he goes between two homes.

Thomas has been the centre of my world for a very long time now and I did wonder about my ability to love another child in the same way - especially one I didn't carry. As it turns out I continue to stun myself with the ways in which I feel just the same about Al. In fact I bite my tongue all the time not to be over controlling about his care - given it is Gaye who is actually at home with him most of the time. It is hard for me to make a decision without judging what the potential impacts might be on Thomas and Al. And I worry about upsetting the balance.

I guess the thing with me these days is I do really see things can change so quickly and profoundly. My life does not resemble the life I thought I would have 10 years - even 5 years ago. That finding and keeping balance is actually a constant act of conscious behaviour. That in lots of ways our relationships are delicate beings that need to be handled gently and consistently. That I should be grateful for what I have...

This is a long and rambling post - and leads to no conclusion. But I do feel better for it....

Things

• it is the last day of the soccer season tomorrow and right now all the grounds are closed because it has been raining here in Sydney for about a week. After tomorrow our Saturdays won't start with sport for a whole 5 weeks - when swimming will start - we are looking forward to that ... but I have enjoyed being part of this new team with the lovely parents and kids on a Saturday morning and not having a role in organising anything!
• Thomas is off to see the Sydn*y FC play tonight as their season is starting up (maybe our weekends will include sport!)
• I am just loving facebook. I am playing Scrabble with an old highschool friend who I usually have email contact with twice a year. I am really loving this
• Al has almost mastered all of the things all those check-lists say he should have mastered by the time he is 4.5 months old. He can't roll yet.
• He has decided that sleeping is best done in short spurts. We are trying to convince him otherwise.
• He has also found is thumb - he finds it alot now
  
• Gaye is managing to work from home and parent a 4.5 month old. She is very very clever.
• We are looking forward to Al's baptism - which everyone we invited seems to be coming (despite the fact that we actually invited all those interstate relatives with the aim of being inclusive but with no expectation that they would actually come) we need to come up with a more serious menu and plan for the day as a result.
• I asked Thomas if he thought Gaye and I should have some sort of ceremony like a wedding. He said that we were already married to each other and you can't just go around getting married over and over because you feel like it... I said I thought he was right about that...
  

The big little boy and the baby boy

Thomas is so caught between being a big and a little boy.

He was really happy to dress up as a Slytherian Quiditch player (thanks to my Mum's sewing skills) this morning for the annual book week parade at school, but way to cool to join in the dancing. He looked completely gorgeous today and he (by his actions) reminded me that we don't have to get things 'perfect' for our children to enjoy them. His cape was green but not the 'right' material for a Quiditch gown - and we didn't have all the gear that goes underneath, he styled himself and was thrilled to bits with the outcome - the cape, his wand, his broom and slicked back hair. Another day of Har*y P*tter! For all its other faults, I really really really like that my job 'allows' me the freedom to nick off at 11:30 for an hour or so to watch the book week parade.

Thomas is also pretty chuffed that he is reading his first novel (just like a grown-ups) to himself (as in not aloud) thou he still loves to be read too. He climbed into bed with us last night (yes we went to bed at 8!) to read alongside us stopping every few pages to ask what page we were up to in our respective novels.

He did return to his own bed to fall asleep only to return to ours around 11 after a nightmare*, Al wasn't all that keen on being returned to his cot after his feed at 2:30 either so we slept all together (well they slept - Gaye and I dozed between two boys imitating star fish) like sardines in our lovely big bed until 6:30 when Al decided wake-up time was called for and laughed and gurgled until we all woke.

The two boys then lay in front of the heater awhile (it has gone all cold and wet again in Sydney) Thomas reading his novel and Al trying to get his attention with calls and gurgles and laughs. I truly am loving this stage of our lives . . .

*I am of the strong suspicion that Thomas has worked out that a 'nightmare' gets him the rest of the night in bed with us. He seems remarkably unperturbed by these events and they seem to occur on cold nights more often. I think the reality is that he kicks the blankets off (still) and after awhile gets cold enough to wake up so comes where it is warm.

Forwards and backwards

I am a daggy old thing – this I have well and truly come to grips with. This week I bought tickets to the In*igo Gir*s who are coming to Sydney in November. I have been walking around singing their songs all week. And there is still 10 weeks to go! I am not a mad and crazy obsessed fan who doesn’t listen to anything else but I am, undeniably pleased to have tickets to the gig. (See I am so daggy I nearly wrote show!). My good friend Simon would be very unimpressed with me – he has a theory that we all just keep listening to the music or like-music that we are attracted to in our 20’s for our whole lives and that this is how we fall out of touch with our children and up-to date music. He has a whole blog about it – Stay Cool Dad – and I have tried and failed to get him to go with me to the upcoming P*lice tour – we were all obsessed in our youth!

We had a good weekend at our place. It is warm in Sydney and both boys were deeply in need of quiet and low key as they both have 'a bit of' a cold so our days were lazy ones around the house with soccer (3rd last for the season) scones with friends and walks in the park with the dog.

Last week my very first ‘true’ love got in contact with me. About three or four times a year I get a missive via email. It is usually about 3 paragraphs long – I always reply usually with many questions and then never hear back again until the next one which never answers the questions I asked. I will very frankly admit that an Irish accent can still make me go weak at the knees (literally) and for many (too many) years just seeing his email address would make my heart leap and sometimes I would wonder what would have happened if I had made different decisions in my life (We left each other on very good terms.).

Clearly I have, however, moved on (it is 20 years ago this year) as their was no reflection or heart leaping – nor has there been for a good long while - last week (actually not to be soppy but the only time my heart leapt last week was on a very beautiful day as I turned into our street on my walk home from work and Gaye came out of our house carrying Al and was walking down the street to meet me).

It was a week for old friends as last week I signed up for face*ook. It is kind of work related as I work with students and I am trying to keep in touch with what they are up to and how they communicate. But I just don’t get it yet… anyway I did find that a few people from my deep and distant past came looking for me (I haven't said yes to them being 'friends' yet) as well as some very good current friends and I can see it is handy for those quick update hello type moments - but so far I am liking the whole blog thing better. I sense I am meant to tie them all together, but I don’t think I am ready. I have done this blog thing semi-anonymously so far (we use our middle names and put no photos here for both our privacy and the boys). I'm just not ready to have my life out there yet and I think it would impact on what I would say but I also don't know if I can keep with maintaining all this media. We shall see perhaps I am ready to jump in to the abyss.

back from the snow

For a moment there last week, my (relatively small) family was spread across three states. Gaye and Al were in QLD, getting a head start on me as I was joining them that evening so I was in NSW. Thomas was at the snow in Victoria skiing with his Dad. I am not that good at all being spread out about the place. I prefer my family (especially my boys) within reaching distance 'just in case.'

But Thomas is back now - hooray! The days drag along a bit when he is away, and now that his Dad has ENGAGED (after being pretty part-time and slap dash - thou very loving I have to say - about it until he got married last year) with spending time with him, I am constantly challenged by Thomas being away more than I would like or am used to.

Thomas is getting to do some fabulous things, he is really enjoying himself and I know it is THE BEST thing for them to have a strong relationship (still a small part of me wishes he would just take it down a notch!).

This afternoon we are going out to replace Dash the goldfish we managed to keep alive for the last four years. He was Thomas' first pet and there was considerable sadness at his passing. I was chided by both Gaye and Thomas when suggesting just days after his death and toilet based funeral that we might like to buy another. But apparently the grief has eased now and we are ready to move on.

Al is of course a complete joy. 17 weeks, smiling and laughing. He is the biggest chatter box and likes to ensure he has our FULL attention while conversing. It is so lovely having a young baby in the house.

So lovely in fact that we have begun discussions of 'what next?' Should Gaye have a go again with those 'girls at boarding school' (Em-os in the freezer). Should I try (how will that be for Thomas being the much older sibling of two babies and one of them born from me) and if I do am I meant to use the Em-os that are made from Gaye's eggs before I make some more of my own???

These questions will be discussed at length (no doubt) over the coming months until decisions are made ....