Do you believe?

Thomas - bless his cotton sox - is so enjoying the lead up to Christmas this year. The advent calendar is fun, picking out and talking about presents is completely fabulous especially leaking fake ideas about what a present might be. (Imagine lots of over acting, wide eyes the whole bit) and the looking forwarding to spending time with family is completely fantastic. If only it could last longer (in his mind!).

We have had a question about Santa's realness (tell me the truth Mum!) but he is completely clear that it would be a bit rude not to believe in Santa since he brings presents. I think this will be our last year when he believes but next year he will really want to enter into Al believing so the fun can go on...

My line is it depends on what you believe...one aunt has told him she got up once in the middle of the night and saw a flash of red she is sure was Santa. Gaye told him she saw a flash of light the year she flew from Darwin at midnight on Christmas Day so she is completely sure he exists.

He has what he calls 'a full-proof 100% plan' in that he has asked Santa to give me a surf board this year and it 'isn't like you will be able to hide that in the car on the way to Papa's'. Soooo if I get a surf board and I can't see one on the car - Santa definitely exists!

man&wife4life

I just read this post from Kelly from The Muriels:

The Australian Christian Lobby has started an email campaign called Man+Wife4Life here:

Man+Wife4Life

which encourages Christians to send emails to their pollies opposing the ACT Civil Union/Partnership Bill.

They've done a great job of uploading all the postcodes/pollies in Australia so that all you have to do is type in your p/code and it automatically comes up with the contact emails for you. You then type in your message and, "bingo" it shoots off to the appropriate representative.

I thought it would be a shame to waste such excellent work, so I have used their very clever form to send off emails of SUPPORT for the ACT Bill.

Posted here in case anyone else feels so inclined.

I just did it - it was so much fun ... I used all their language too - just turned it around!

Just in case anyone else felt like a bit of a laugh while, you know, trying to fix the world ...

Advent

We have entered into the Christmas spirit and our advent calendar full of activities with the tree up and Santa photos taken, our home is awash with Christmas cards that are half made and half written. It is Al's first Christmas but Thomas is awash with the traditions and must haves during the Christmas season. He has joined up all of our individual family traditions and made them his own. The things he enjoys the most are the 'doing things' that involve us all like:

• each of us picking out a new decoration for our tree and Thomas picking one for his Dad's and one for my Mum's. This is a tradition that dates from my childhood and my parents tree (before they lost everything in the fire) was heavy with memories from childhood, early 20s travel and friends and relatives who visited for one Christmas or another as each trip or visit involved the adding of decorations to the tree. This year he picked up one for his brother and our tree is starting to look nice and full - I am looking forward to being an old lady and enjoying all those memories again. I will have a very strong memory from this year of Al rolling over and over from his spot in the middle of the room so he is lying under the decorated tree watching with huge eyes the lights and reaching up with all his might to grab a unreachable glowing star or twinkly ball.
  
• stirring the pudding mixture and making a wish. This comes from my Dad's side of the family and Thomas has been involved every year in a pudding stirring. Some years when we won't see my folks around Christmas my Mum makes a pudding in November, this year she is saving one for the 21/12 when we will be there so he (and we) can have our annual wish. The last two years Gaye and I have wished for a baby and then his healthy arrival. Until a week or so ago I felt like I wouldn't know what to wish for this year - but now I shall wish for their ongoing health and happiness.
• visiting Santa (includes photo - thou Thomas did in fact refuse to have his photo with that strangely dressed big man from aged 3 - 5 so there are a couple of years missing) and writing his note and leaving out some of my birthday cake for him at night
• decorating the tree - which has been brought back to the first week in December as that is Gaye's tradition - which also must involve the playing of Christmas music (that's me) and now the decorating of the house (this is all Gaye and Thomas - who each respectfully love the 'tack' and 'beauty' of the Christmas lights)
• buying a present to go under the wishing tree for a child whose parents can't give them Christmas
• the making of a Christmas decoration - this year we are making chains of cardboard into reindeer's and Santa's. Complicated but good fun.
• a picnic one night some where where there is carols by candlelight - some years we do the big thing in town - some years the local park or church
  

Rather endearingly Thomas enjoys the talking of what to get for others just as much as what he might get himself - possibly more. Gaye and Al have been away for a couple of days visiting and he is longing for her return so they can go for a walk and discuss at length (again) the birthday and Christmas possibilities.

We have also promised Thomas this year a drive in the middle of the night to look at houses where people 'go crazy' with their lights. We will also walk our neighbour hood on Christmas Eve - but it doesn't seem like our (slightly more inner city and groovy) neighbours are as enthusiastic as our old neighbourhood was.

Thomas has an advent calendar of course - it is day 11 today and he is sure it is going to take FOREVER to get to day 25!

Today I attended the funeral of one of Thomas' classmates. He was just 6 years old and only had a very short illness. I actually don't know what he died of (there are many stories going around school) but I understand he fought hard. I was moved by the service and a bit in awe of his mother who spoke so eloquently of her boy. My heart breaks of her and the rest of his family and the sight of that small coffin was overwhelming.

His sudden death has haunted me all week - as it would I think of any mother of a small boy. I am sitting here at my desk with his service notes in front of me and their is a photo taken sometime recently on the front of his grinning face.

We are trying to help Thomas understand that yes children do die but he can still feel safe in the world.

But mostly today - everyday - I thank the goddess that both my boys are well.

another childhood milestone

I was going to be at a conference this week. Not a fabulous conference but it was in another state and staying in a hotel where breakfast in bed would be an everyday event for three whole days. When someone else would be making my bed and where I would get to look at new shops and of-course of-course learn new and interesting things from the conference and I would be away from my boss for awhile – which would be a nice break – the two of us need one from each other at the moment..

But alas no, I am not … I am at home – I am in the office.

I am at home and in the office because Thomas fell out of a tree on Friday night while we were at the park celebrating Lightning’s First Birthday (Which involved making a liver and rice flour birthday cake and making up dog and kid treat bags a couple of bottles of bubbly and some biccies and dips at the park with hmm 15 friends and 10 dogs. The party was very Thomas’ idea who also said in the lead up “well we will be celebrating Al’s first birthday won’t we? So why wouldn’t we celebrate Lightning’s he is part of our family” and “how many years do you think it will take Lightning to understand that it is his birthday in November”) and broke his arm.

I make light of it now because he is okay. He has a shoulder to wrist cast which is along the back of his arm. His full cast will go on tomorrow. But it is the “best kind” of break as it is in alignment. He is still in a bit of pain my poor darling and not sleeping all that well … and a tough few weeks ahead missing out on all sorts of things at school which is very sad.

But as my work friends have said it is a right of child hood and at least he did it in the normal way – falling out of a tree.

Thomas' Christmas talk

My celebration to talk about is Christmas.

Before Christmas we make the pudding. When I make the pudding we do it at Paule’s house with my cousins. We make a wish when we stir the pudding. Then on Christmas Day we eat the pudding.

We also decorate the tree. I decorate two trees one with Dad and H and one with Mum and Gaye. This year Al and Lightning will be there too.

My Dad grows a tree in a pot, my Mum tried to but she always killed them so now we get a fresh tree which is big.

We put milk and beer and my Mum’s birthday cake out for Santa and big juicy carrots for the reindeers. We read The Night Before Christmas before I go to bed. My Grandpa knows all the words.

There is lots of different music for Christmas and I like it because you only sing it when it is Christmas.

I like Christmas because it is a happy day

the craziness seems to be starting early

Just as all those Christmas decorations start to come earlier and earlier each year so does the socialising 'we must catch up before Christmas'

Fortunately for Gaye and I we are simultaneously emerging from new-baby fog and quite enjoying the times with friends and getting out and about.

This weekend flew by - aided by Thomas' Dad quiting his job and being available on weekends for the first time in 6 or 7 years (not sure how I feel about this) and so coming to pick him up and take him to a surfing lesson on Saturday afternoon. We also helped out at the school fete and caught up with friends for dinner on Saturday night for dinner with what seemed like an army of children and adults but I think was only 11 in total. We had brunch at other friends on Sunday morning - a friendship that is in the process of being re-newed and enjoyed a swim at the famous but completely overwhelming Bon*di Beach.

Al is really into his solids now - loving chicken and pumpkin mashed together ALOT. He is sitting for a few moments at a time and starting to really enjoy games like peek a boo.

Thomas continues to follow the election with interest (more than me if truth be told - I feel sure we are going to get another go of our current prime minister) he can't believe we haven't voted yet...it has seemed like a very long campaign.

cup

Today I found myself having breakfast with Thomas and checking out the form-guide. It must be Cup Day. I am not a fan of the horse riding myself - but it seems in very bad form not to lightly engage what is a national past time. I admit to feeling slightly uncomfortable about doing it thou - it is weird how gambling is OK in this context. Is it a good message do you think? - it is okay to bet occasionally as long as you realise you might lose the money... Anyway he chose Purple Moon because the rider had won twice before and I agreed to go with his choice too. His Dad who does not bet at any other time of the year has always bet on the Cup and mostly he wins. This is the message I got post race on my mobile phone:

Hi Mum I finally won in second place, Purple Moon came second. I don't how much money is. DAD DIDN'T WIN THIS TIME (exaggerated tone) but you would have won of course because Purple Moon came second unless you did a first bet which wouldn't be too smart. Anyway Dad lost $20.00, $20.00 (exaggerated tone). So that's that bye,

plates and braces are cool Muma

So ... for the last six months we have been visiting orthodontist with Thomas. For first and second opinions about when and where and what he is going to need in orthodontic treatment. We started out with the world known where it was like going to a braces factory and worked our way to nice and kind and sensible local orthodontist. All we spoke to said the same thing - it isn't a question of if but a question of when and the sooner the better.

So after much agonising (which I won't bore you with - except to say that this has been recommended as the least painful route and most likely to end in least intervention) we decided to start now.

Thomas has been dreading it and so have I (OK so I have post braces issues from my youth). So today was the day and I got myself into a frenzy of organisation to ensure that all possibilities were covered - day off school, half a day off school, Panadol etc etc.

And he has decided they are cool...

meant to be

Sometimes things just feel like they are meant to be. For the last few months Gaye and I have been agonising over how to best manage care of Al when she works. We would prefer it if we could be at home with him (at least one of us!) and so Gaye has (after running out of leave and savings) undetaken the majority of her work from home. She has to go to meetings a bit at the office but we have managed this hour or two through the lovely Aunty Lou or him coming to work with me or going with Gaye and a couple of occasions when our folks were in town. But it is becoming a bit hard on Gaye to actually get her work done - what we needed was someone who could be around to help out.

The thing is we didn't want to leave him with anyone we didn't know - we have wished we had a grandma down the road to drop him in with for a little awhile or another friend with a smallish baby looking for a bit of a swap.

The other day on the bus to work I ran into a young man (I sound so old saying that!) who I have known through my dearest friends most of his life. My dearest friends - and parenting gurus - donated sperm to both his mothers 20 years and 17 years ago and the two boys they had have grown up closely as extended family with the two girls my dearest friends had 19 and 15 years ago. Way before everyone was doing it - they were. Although I don't spend much time with his mothers when we do get together we are completely up to date on each other and our kids as our mutual friend's keep us in the loop and I have spent time with the boys often when I have been at my friend's home.

Anyway I went home and talked to Gaye about seeing him - he has grown into a lovely man. He has taken on lots of responsibilities in his life for others in his family who are vulnerable and is kind and easy to talk to. Anyway we looked at each other and said 'what about him for Al'

I just rang him and he is keen. Gaye will be at home most of the time when he is there and I am only two minutes up the road when she is not. I completely trust him to be kind and sensible at all times.

Don't you think it is kind of gorgeous that our baby boy with two mothers is going to be babysat by a grown boy of two mothers!

For my family ... I will be voting Green

Six Months

Al is six months old and completely gorgeous.

He smiles and laughs whenever we walk past - even if it is 2 minutes since he last saw us. His personality is really emerging, he is a relaxed and calm baby - like his mother.

We found out last week after (another) scary trip to emergency that he is allergic to wheat and eggs and so are adapting Gaye's (and therefore all of our) diets appropriately. As well as recognising that introduction to food will go slowly slowly in our place

He loves his solid food - pears and rice and potatoes so far. And is enjoying having a cup of water - to the point of crying if it is taken away which is pretty funny since he really doesn't cry about much else.

Al moved into the bedroom next door last week, as an attempt to discourage him from calling for room service quite so often. Which has improved Gaye's sleep somewhat.

Rather (completely) endearingly, Thomas has insisted on moving his bed into the same room so he can sleep next to his brother (and turning his bedroom into a playroom).

Lets go green then

I find myself slightly flummoxed that I am hoping like crazy that the finally called election results in a fairly right-wing left gets in, rather than the horror that is the current government getting another term. It is a case of better than bad I guess.

Thomas’ take on the election is going keep us amused. We have had many conversations already about voting and policies. And how there are two big parties and some smaller ones. He thinks of it like a football game (perhaps it is)…If only it were as easy as this to get other people around to my ideas…

“So Mum, who are you going for?”
“Labor honey”
“Not Mr Howard?”
“No – not Mr Howard, Mr Rudd?”
“So – you like Mr Rudd?”
“I like what he believes in better than what Mr Howard believes in”
“Like the taxes going on schools making them better that stuff”
“Yep that is the sort of thing”
“OK so we are going for the Labors?”
“Yep and the Greens”
“Who is the boss of the Green’s”
“Bob Brown”
“Do you like Bob Brown?”
“I really really like Bob Brown”
"He is the one who likes garden's isn't he?but his Greens are too small to win on their own"
"Yep thats them"
“OK, well I think I will go for the Greens and Labor too”

This morning there was a cartoon of Howard and Rudd dressed as B1 and B2 with a small Costello next to Howard. He asked if it was Howard’s son and I explained that Howard was planning to hand over his leadership half way through his term. “You got to be kidding, why don’t we get to vote about that then?”

An excellent point ….

Baby Charlotte

Many congratulations to Kelly and Sam at The Muriels http://themuriels.blogspot.com/ on the birth of their girl Charlotte.

Yay!

short and sweet

• Al is almost sitting - but he WILL NOT roll
• Thomas has hit five feet tall and fits into the size 12 clothes I bought him this weekend (he is 8) except he is so skinny ne needs to wear belts
• I found two pairs of pants that I liked and fit on the weekend and was feeling very good in them until one of the kids at school asked me if I had a baby in my belly - hmm back on that diet again
• the baptism approaches - it is looking kind of mad. Relatives coming from all sorts of states and cities. None of them have met before and it seems they will all be around for a week. Breathe for me
  

or

Maybe I am just scared. Scared of re-visiting my infertilty. That month by month failure. Maybe all the worry is just a mask for that

Upsetting the balance

I am a worrier. I worry. Normal mother/lover/sister/daughter/friend worry I do, plus I do a whole lot of extra worrying. Sometimes I think I need my own 12 step plan to manage it. Hello my name is XXX and I am a worrier. I have all sorts of worries, state of the world worries, health worries - making sure that garlic is actually from Australia and organic, personal worries - did I talk to much? to little... honestly the list is long long long.

One of my worries is upsetting the balance.

Life is pretty good for me. I have two beautiful boys to love and my lovely Gaye. But I want more – well as least I do some of the time. The rest of the time I worry about upsetting the balance.

The balance is the fine line of keeping everything okay. Like now for instance, Thomas is okay with Al – in fact he loves him. Al has a brother – albeit one who goes to his Dad’s a couple of nights a week (which I know is good but feels not so good!). Gaye and I are managing our workloads and bills and keeping on keeping on.

But really really I want another baby. I want to be pregnant again. I want to be the one at home with the baby. I loved being at home with a baby and I was pretty good at it too – not suffering from the boredom/loneliness etc that lots of other women experience when they are at home with a young baby. I liked it – mulching about with Thomas and I am forever grateful for those days (especially now he goes to his Dads). Anyway that is off the track – see the issue is really balance and my worry about it.

Why would I upset things when they are all good. I am 39 at the end of the year; my first baby will be 9 in February. Might it worry him to come and go from a household with two small babies, will he feel cast out from a 2nd family (right now he feels at the centre I believe – he himself strongly believes that he is Al’s favourite person for example). Will it tip things over the edge for us money wise (we would need a bigger house and car for example) and what do we do with those two e*bies on ice of Gaye's if it is me who gets pregnant. There are many reasons not to do it.

I always saw myself with a household of children, a family when grown that came together on a huge long table to feast in a household that they had grown up in on a table they had sat around many many times.

My life and Thomas' life have just not been like that so far. It was just us for awhile and although the houses we have lived in together we still have some connection too we don't live in them anymore and he goes between two homes.

Thomas has been the centre of my world for a very long time now and I did wonder about my ability to love another child in the same way - especially one I didn't carry. As it turns out I continue to stun myself with the ways in which I feel just the same about Al. In fact I bite my tongue all the time not to be over controlling about his care - given it is Gaye who is actually at home with him most of the time. It is hard for me to make a decision without judging what the potential impacts might be on Thomas and Al. And I worry about upsetting the balance.

I guess the thing with me these days is I do really see things can change so quickly and profoundly. My life does not resemble the life I thought I would have 10 years - even 5 years ago. That finding and keeping balance is actually a constant act of conscious behaviour. That in lots of ways our relationships are delicate beings that need to be handled gently and consistently. That I should be grateful for what I have...

This is a long and rambling post - and leads to no conclusion. But I do feel better for it....

Things

• it is the last day of the soccer season tomorrow and right now all the grounds are closed because it has been raining here in Sydney for about a week. After tomorrow our Saturdays won't start with sport for a whole 5 weeks - when swimming will start - we are looking forward to that ... but I have enjoyed being part of this new team with the lovely parents and kids on a Saturday morning and not having a role in organising anything!
• Thomas is off to see the Sydn*y FC play tonight as their season is starting up (maybe our weekends will include sport!)
• I am just loving facebook. I am playing Scrabble with an old highschool friend who I usually have email contact with twice a year. I am really loving this
• Al has almost mastered all of the things all those check-lists say he should have mastered by the time he is 4.5 months old. He can't roll yet.
• He has decided that sleeping is best done in short spurts. We are trying to convince him otherwise.
• He has also found is thumb - he finds it alot now
  
• Gaye is managing to work from home and parent a 4.5 month old. She is very very clever.
• We are looking forward to Al's baptism - which everyone we invited seems to be coming (despite the fact that we actually invited all those interstate relatives with the aim of being inclusive but with no expectation that they would actually come) we need to come up with a more serious menu and plan for the day as a result.
• I asked Thomas if he thought Gaye and I should have some sort of ceremony like a wedding. He said that we were already married to each other and you can't just go around getting married over and over because you feel like it... I said I thought he was right about that...
  

The big little boy and the baby boy

Thomas is so caught between being a big and a little boy.

He was really happy to dress up as a Slytherian Quiditch player (thanks to my Mum's sewing skills) this morning for the annual book week parade at school, but way to cool to join in the dancing. He looked completely gorgeous today and he (by his actions) reminded me that we don't have to get things 'perfect' for our children to enjoy them. His cape was green but not the 'right' material for a Quiditch gown - and we didn't have all the gear that goes underneath, he styled himself and was thrilled to bits with the outcome - the cape, his wand, his broom and slicked back hair. Another day of Har*y P*tter! For all its other faults, I really really really like that my job 'allows' me the freedom to nick off at 11:30 for an hour or so to watch the book week parade.

Thomas is also pretty chuffed that he is reading his first novel (just like a grown-ups) to himself (as in not aloud) thou he still loves to be read too. He climbed into bed with us last night (yes we went to bed at 8!) to read alongside us stopping every few pages to ask what page we were up to in our respective novels.

He did return to his own bed to fall asleep only to return to ours around 11 after a nightmare*, Al wasn't all that keen on being returned to his cot after his feed at 2:30 either so we slept all together (well they slept - Gaye and I dozed between two boys imitating star fish) like sardines in our lovely big bed until 6:30 when Al decided wake-up time was called for and laughed and gurgled until we all woke.

The two boys then lay in front of the heater awhile (it has gone all cold and wet again in Sydney) Thomas reading his novel and Al trying to get his attention with calls and gurgles and laughs. I truly am loving this stage of our lives . . .

*I am of the strong suspicion that Thomas has worked out that a 'nightmare' gets him the rest of the night in bed with us. He seems remarkably unperturbed by these events and they seem to occur on cold nights more often. I think the reality is that he kicks the blankets off (still) and after awhile gets cold enough to wake up so comes where it is warm.

Forwards and backwards

I am a daggy old thing – this I have well and truly come to grips with. This week I bought tickets to the In*igo Gir*s who are coming to Sydney in November. I have been walking around singing their songs all week. And there is still 10 weeks to go! I am not a mad and crazy obsessed fan who doesn’t listen to anything else but I am, undeniably pleased to have tickets to the gig. (See I am so daggy I nearly wrote show!). My good friend Simon would be very unimpressed with me – he has a theory that we all just keep listening to the music or like-music that we are attracted to in our 20’s for our whole lives and that this is how we fall out of touch with our children and up-to date music. He has a whole blog about it – Stay Cool Dad – and I have tried and failed to get him to go with me to the upcoming P*lice tour – we were all obsessed in our youth!

We had a good weekend at our place. It is warm in Sydney and both boys were deeply in need of quiet and low key as they both have 'a bit of' a cold so our days were lazy ones around the house with soccer (3rd last for the season) scones with friends and walks in the park with the dog.

Last week my very first ‘true’ love got in contact with me. About three or four times a year I get a missive via email. It is usually about 3 paragraphs long – I always reply usually with many questions and then never hear back again until the next one which never answers the questions I asked. I will very frankly admit that an Irish accent can still make me go weak at the knees (literally) and for many (too many) years just seeing his email address would make my heart leap and sometimes I would wonder what would have happened if I had made different decisions in my life (We left each other on very good terms.).

Clearly I have, however, moved on (it is 20 years ago this year) as their was no reflection or heart leaping – nor has there been for a good long while - last week (actually not to be soppy but the only time my heart leapt last week was on a very beautiful day as I turned into our street on my walk home from work and Gaye came out of our house carrying Al and was walking down the street to meet me).

It was a week for old friends as last week I signed up for face*ook. It is kind of work related as I work with students and I am trying to keep in touch with what they are up to and how they communicate. But I just don’t get it yet… anyway I did find that a few people from my deep and distant past came looking for me (I haven't said yes to them being 'friends' yet) as well as some very good current friends and I can see it is handy for those quick update hello type moments - but so far I am liking the whole blog thing better. I sense I am meant to tie them all together, but I don’t think I am ready. I have done this blog thing semi-anonymously so far (we use our middle names and put no photos here for both our privacy and the boys). I'm just not ready to have my life out there yet and I think it would impact on what I would say but I also don't know if I can keep with maintaining all this media. We shall see perhaps I am ready to jump in to the abyss.