Autumn

It is completely delicious in Sydney right now - cool breezes, sunny days and gorgeous evenings. We have been doing all the things you do in this lovely weather with walks around the park in the evening and enjoying the last moments of the extended daylight saving by gardening after work.

We have planted carrots and a new batch of lettuce and in a bit of whimsy for my childhood - rubarb. I have this idea of cooking "rubarb full" a special past down from my grandmother but to be honest I may have to buy the rubarb as (a) we only planted one plant and (b) Sydney really isn't ideal for such an item. Still ....

We also planted some native violet and a star jasmine as we are never allowed to leave the nursery without some sort of 'beautiful flower' that Thomas has his eye on. Often I give in an buy some garish number of his choosing this time I liked his choices. My mother has an incredible garden and Thomas would really like us to have a quarter block to garden and play on. In theory I would too - but I only just keep up with the care required for our very small patch of grass and pots (not to mention the mortgage payments for the land we have) so I am not sure if in reality I would enjoy it as much as he would.

We are finally starting to get our lives in order and have a clear list of 'things to do' on the house that will make it feel more comfy and completed. These are - in order - finish the deck, by a new tv cabinet, pull up the concrete and pave/grass areas, put in built in cupboards and complete the painting.

Ofcourse there are a complicated list of things attached to each of these (council, look at possible extension plans etc etc) but still at least there is a list. It all feels a bit springy rather than autumny but there we are ....

chicken pops

we have the chicken pops (thomas refuses to call them anything else). well when i say we i mean the smallest boy does. last night around 3:30 he was awake and i noticed lumps. her reacts to bites quite badly so we started some anti-histamine and went back to bed. this morning and throughout the day the few 'bites' have spread across his face and hands. gaye took him to the dr this evening and yup we have the chicken pops.

al is doing pretty well he has been a bit clingy but otherwise ok. he looks pretty terrible thou.

as today is the 'worst' day in terms of infection we have just packed thomas off to his Dads in an effort to avoid passing it on to him (his already delayed birthday party is in two weeks). and he, his (other) step mother and I are off to get a shot tomorrow morning which apparently gives a good chance of not passing it on.

so we have cancelled everything, rung everyone we have had contact with in the last week or so (we had a rather large family get together with kids of all ages over Easter) a quiet weekend ahead - just sitting around counting the pops.

Melbourne

We are off to Melbourne tonight to spend Easter with my bestest friends who have just moved there. We are staying in an apartment down the road - I didn't really think it was fair to land all four of us on them in their new tiny place. I can't wait to see them and just hang out.

Our friendship is largely based on hanging out - at each others places over dinner or lunch or coffee. And although we did on occasion actually do things together it will also be a bit novel to be doing things with them over the weekend.

I have found it a bit of an adjustment them moving away as they were the
people most likely to be found at our place for dinner on a Saturday
night, we knew lots about each others lives and they are my parenting
gurus when I need advice.

Despite my fears we seem to have managed this first two months well - talking lots on the phone and keeping up to date. I guess time will tell how our friendship develops and changes but I am sure we will always be connected.

It has been good for me thou as I have been forced out of my regular and comfortable ways and started inviting other friends around to eat (this is what I really love to do) including branching out with newer friends and renewing or changing my time with older ones.

I started to feel a bit lonely (my two closest friends now live in other
cities) so have been active about seeking people out. I am proud of myself.

I sent out an email today to ask a group of women about starting a bookclub. Although the daggy high schooler in me was worried about rejection I have had good feedback so far and am already planning our first evening event.

We had some very good friends of mine and some new ones around to lunch last Sunday, all our children played well and the adults got on well it was one of those lazy Sunday lunches that went on into the afternoon.

A good start I think.

But still ....I am really really really looking forward to going to Melbourne this afternoon

almost one ...

Not long from now, in just over a month, Al will be one.

And like all parents we are amazed that this first year has gone so fast, that he has developed so much and is so incredibly clever, beautiful and basically divine.

He is completely gorgeous at the moment – tearing up whenever Thomas, Oliver (his babysitter) Gaye or I leave the room or the house. Actually not so much Gaye – much to her chagrin. But I say this is because he is so beautifully attached to her and wonderfully sure that she (who is around the most) will be back that he feels no worry about it. Those of us who come and go almost everyday - to work and school and to play at friends houses and the like are much more unreliable than Gaye and so are treated to tears (while waving) on departure and greeted with incredible joy on our return (legs, arms flapping, grins and happy sounds).

On the sleep front we have put in place a bit more of a night-time and daytime routine which – no surprises here folks – he is responding well too (for the most part last night was an exception) already.

Although he sits at the lower end of the weight chart he has little chubby legs that swing back and forward under his highchair or when he is being carried on a hip. His vocab has increased to aahhs and gaahs but there are no identifiable words yet. He does have a very endearing habit of throwing his head back looking at the ceiling, pursing his lips and making an oohh sound over and over. I am not sure what it is about but we all love it.

He pulls the dog’s coat and puts his hand in his mouth and goes for his toys whenever he is close by (bless Lightning for his patience and kindness). Everything still goes into his mouth to be checked out and thoroughly processed but he has begun actually eating the pieces of vegetables and fruit and toast with avocado we put on his highchair rather than just throwing them over the side.

He cries if I don’t pick him up and let him have a bang on the piano when I am practicing and continues to get very excited when the jolly jumper is pulled out for a bit of jumping action. He continues to crawl through a mixture of commando and the usual style – getting from place a to b rather efficiently. He has just started to pull himself up in the cot occasionally but is not employing this skill yet in any other forum. He is also pretty attached to what I can only call 'the mountain' from my yoga days - toosh in the air, hands and toes on the floor, legs straight and head between his arms. This position is most often at the beginning of a decision to get somewhere fast or when rolling around on our bed (one of his happiest times) in between us mid feed.

There are many many more things about him that I just adore but ...his and Thomas’ mutual love and devotion continues to be of the greatest joy to me (and them). We have recently given Thomas permission to carry him about - and Al seems most happy with this turn of events (we didn’t want to spend the whole time telling Thomas what he could and couldn’t do with Al so just had one rule – Thomas could hold/play/feed Al whenever he wanted as long as he was sitting down) and they have been bathing together a bit which honestly is a huge mess and lots of fun but also the sort of stuff that brings tears to your eyes.

He is almost one.

Sleep it is a notion …

I am not to sure what it is that Al likes about 4 am in the morning, but we seem to seeing a lot of it of late.

He is a shocking sleeper these days. He has had a cold (as has Gaye), which might explain some of it. But there is now way it explains it all.

He is a very different being from Thomas who responded to a simple routine and being wrapped up. It took time to establish but he is a great sleeper and a great going to bed kid.

I am a very different parent 9 years on too... Al’s life is dictated to more by what the rest of us are doing rather than his potential routine and I am conscious that we have not put consistent energy into developing good sleeping habits for Al. Largely I think because it doesn’t seem to impact on him all that much.

I am not at all against co-sleeping. If Al would sleep when he was with us I would be more than open to him sleeping in with us all night. Thomas came into bed with me for a long time after his 2:00am feed and then once he moved into a bed he would come in sometime between 4:00 – 6:00 in the morning and snuggled in for more sleep and a cuddle. He continues to come in the mornings – especially on weekends to lie with us, sometimes hanging out in our bed after the rest of us have left.

But Al rolls around and wakes and crawls, he feeds over and over – just because it is there I think – of late he seems to be enjoying being awake for a couple of hours where he is perfectly happy if he is with us (but wide awake) and sobs if left in his cot. He is much more strong willed than Thomas was (or we are older and tireder) and it is so much more complex with the boys sharing a room.

We are not of the controlled crying mould of parenting and so we are thinking of getting in help (there is a private – probably outrageously expensive – service here where the woman comes for 3 nights and helps you learn how to settle and teach the baby to sleep without controlled crying. Which makes me feel a bit like a weird failed parent but still you know if someone knows something and it would help well these days I need my sleep, we both work, we have min childcare and two children.

The thing that is interesting thou is that he continues to not be all that impacted by his own lack of sleep. He is a happy fellow most of the time and apart from a bit of whinging is good natured and friendly and easy going.

I sometimes think that my simple (but firmish) routine for Thomas might be part of the reason he has a ‘high need know’ about what is going on next. He has got more easygoing as he has got older but when he was younger a throw out of the routine meant hell to pay. Al is not like that and I would hate for him to lose that easy going sleep when I can, eat when it is there smiley interaction because we developed one.

Sigh ...

We seem to have gone back in time to a time long long ago. No hold on it wasn't long ago it was late last year - actually it only finished around mid January...

Thomas has broken his arm - again! This time it is is wrist. He was away with his Dad at his grandparents place at the southcoast. He was riding his bike, the chain came off and over he went. It was clearly at bad fall - he has grazes on both knees, both elbows, his nose, his lip, his belly. He has a broken wrist. He rang me from the coast a few times on the day of his fall and told me all about it.

When he got back from the coast I said to his Dad that his wrist looked rather swollen. His Dad's mother-in-law is a physio and was done the coast also. She said it looked like a sprain to her. (This was the ever helpful person who told Thomas before Christmas when he got his last cast off that he should do his exercises or he would have to go to Physio which is 'really really painful.' This was a nightmare when it came time to go to Physio as exercise wasn't enough and left my poor boy in tears with worry about the potential upcoming pain. And no amount of consolation from me was believeable - anyhoo). Yesterday when we woke up it was still swollen and he was teary and very uninterested in going to school.

long story short - we went to the GP, she took one look at it and said 'green stick fracture' and off we went back to the hospital. (As and aside can I just say we have had nothing but fabulous treatment from our local hospital and the children's hospital in the last 12 months of constant visits!)

Thomas is a gem. His birthday party is in two weeks. It is a "learn to surf party". At the beach - in the water. He said to the GP 'oh no this can't be true my party is in two weeks' Apart from that and a need for 'something to do at lunchtime' he has completely taken being back in a cast for potentially another six weeks on the (slightly grazed) chin. He really wanted to go to band training this morning (obviously much more comfy with the cast on). He will have spent the best part of this summer in a cast and unable to swim (his favourite activity). He won't be able to surf on his new board or play with his new basketball hoop. His party will have to be delayed...

So I am off now to cancel swimming classes, soccer training and delay the party...oh and join the P&C for the new school as there really is nothing to do at lunch if you don't play soccer...

He is nine

As of Friday Thomas is nine.

This statement makes me turn into one of those old time grandmas who berate the passing of time (Jewish variety maybe?) as honestly I don't know how it happened... one minute he was a little fellow who toddled around the place into everything and excited and interested in most things. The next he was nine and getting i*od's and basketball hoops for his birthday.

He had a great day. Gaye had made a riddle and a game to find his presents in the morning which made the bit that was a surprise (the hoop) even more fun. He is pretty taken with his hoop. The other wasn't a surprise (because he came upon the email in which it was discussed accidently - and admited to it! but he was worried that meant he wouldn't get it!).

We took 35 cupcakes to school (big school, big classes means 3 batches of cake mixture for this mother the night before) and my cupcakes were apparently considered very good - so they should be organic everything and mixed, cooked and iced with a lot of love! It was drama, spelling test, p.e and golf at school. All things he likes. We down loaded things on to the i*od afterschool with the $50.00 (!!) voucher my parents bought him to do such things and then had birthday cake with his Dad and step-mother (the other one!).

He was so happy. Still so excited by his birthday that he was up at midnight and 5:30am in anticpation. he was thrilled with all of his gifts and with himself all day. Next step - the party, which invitations went out for today. My strategy of leaving it until he had settled in went well - we have five kids from big school coming to the party.

Today we rode our bikes to big school (and back to work for me) and I think that afterall I will get over my grief at not being able to easily walk to school as we have done for the last 18 months as riding to school together is a lot of fun. He chatted the whole was there and pointed things out. Certainly much more pleaseant than the last two weeks of car parking dramas at both school and my work.

sorry

it has been a big few weeks in our world:

we had a great time camping with my family, lots of swimming and eating and hanging about. We bought Thomas the 4th ha**y p book on audio tape and all enjoyed listening to the story in the long drive there and back. We took a family surfing lesson in which all of us managed to stand up and giggle alot. We got rained out on the last day and I took a leap down a muddy bank which left me with some dreadful back injury that has meant that computing has been out of the question - hence my silence - but had a nice few days with my parents on the way home.

we came back from the trip and Thomas started big school he has gone from a school of 120 with 17 kids in his grade 2 class to a school of 500 with 30 kids in his grade 3 class. It is a big change (for all of us!) but he is taking to it well and with a positive attitude. He threw himself into the swimming carnival and loved that he could get a point just for entering in a race "I am going in every race a nine year old boy can mumma" He was mostly worried about learning all the rules and on about the third day it rained (it has rained alot in the previous month) and he was lined up in the morning in his class group and the a/principal came out and said ' it is a wet weather day - you all know what to do when it rains' his little head whipped around and looked at me with pure panic. he is getting the hang of it thou and has started band this week and golf (that was one of the sport choices!) tommorrow.

Al is trying his best to crawl and rocking manically back and forwards (sometimes at two in the morning). he is definately babbling now - yayaya, mamamam, babababa. adding to the 'ooohhh' noises he has made so far. He is starting to be a bit shy with strangers and is just so pleased to be passed back to one of us. But he continues to be so happy all the time.

yesterday was such a signficant day with the apology to the stolen generations at last. Like many Australians I felt emotional in the build up and had tears running down my cheeks as the PM said the words. I feel so proud and pleased that our government has taken this significant step and it was done in a wholehearted and generous way. I am looking forward to the next steps.

sorry

Duck Lips

it is hard to even describe how completely gorgeous Al is. Eight and a half months. Blond, and his mother's big blue eyes and full lips.

His body is so filled with joy that he wriggles around (head swinging side to side like he is saying no although he is clearly saying yes!, legs and arms going in all directions) when ever anything nice happens - this could be as simple as one of us returning into the room (especially Thomas who always gets a smile) or playing with his belly (a guaranteed laugh). His little chubby legs swing gently back and forwards under his high chair in a way that is completly endearing.

At night he lies in his cot long after Thomas has fallen asleep - loudly and cheerfully calling out to him, trying with his whole heart to wake his brother. He loves his jolly jumper and Lightning (the puppy) insists on lying at his feet (often getting a face full of foot) as he jumps. Just seeing the jumper, the bath or hearing the mixer going with potential food is reason for a grin and a noise that can only be described as happy.

Al doesn't really cry, he is pretty much always happy. Sometimes a bit grumpy but even then mid whinge he will smile at us.

Until recently his lip would drop when a big noise or something sudden happened or he hurt his head as he rolled on the floor. There was a big dropped lip and a small dropped lip. In our house we call the big dropped lip the 'full lip' (imagine if you will an 8 year old calling from their bedroom "Gaye! Gaye! Mumma! this baby has the full lip, our baby has the full lip" followed by cheering up attempts). But in the last week or so this has changed to the cutest pout-y, kissing lip thing that we call duck lips. Often it is accompanied by an 'ooh' sound and followed by a dropping face.

Gaye and I like it so much we have to resist them temptation not to drop things loudly around him or some other sort of dreadful parenting mischief just because it is so cute. I sooo hope we catch it on video

Happy New Year

This has been a year of so many changes and so much action in our family and it has ended in the same way it began. Lots of activity and time with those people we really love.

Thomas finished his time at Infant School with ease and happiness. A lovely school concert with the children’s voices being heard (unlike the last one) and a very simple ‘graduation’ ceremony for the Grade 2’s to send them out into the world of primary school. It reminded me of all the reasons we chose the school. A good and small community of people who really enjoy their children.

Thomas made all the year 2 mothers cry – by crying himself as he sang “Lean on Me” with his classmates, tears rolling down his face as he bravely wiped them away and kept on singing. Both Gaye and I have been approached by many a local parent commenting on how they were keeping it together until they saw him.

His report that arrived that day was excellent and he was thrilled to have us all there to watch him get his certificate – especially Al. He did make me laugh as he came in standing up suddenly to remind me that he wouldn’t be getting a special award this year as he had had one in kindergarten. It was nice to see our friends’ son Isaac who is in kindergarten – get his – he was so chuffed with himself.

I felt a bit sad at leaving the school but am ready for the next adventure too. This is my general state of being as the boys grow – mourning the fact that at stage has passed and it is no longer – looking forward to the next bit too. So far there has not been a time when I haven’t thought – "I wish I could just freeze him at this point he is just lovely"… but inevitably I enjoy the next stage too. We got a call on the last day letting us know that a place was available for Thomas at the local, larger and highly regarded primary. After previously making a decision to send him to the smaller local school (and actually thinking I had taken him off the waiting list for the big school) we are now in a state of dilemma about what to do as most of the kids and parents we like have gone for the big school.

I was spoilt rotten with a pre-birthday/Christmas present of a piano. A much longed for and not at all expected present from Gaye, Thomas and Al. I can not express how pleased I am to have a piano in the house…thou my expertise has dropped somewhat in the last 20 years since I regularly practiced…I am looking forward to learning again in a way I cannot describe.

I honestly believe that Thomas has enjoyed the keeping and planning of this secret as much as I am pleased to get it. A few weeks ago when Gaye was away for a few days he was bursting at the seams to talk about it. Counting down the sleeps until her return so they could ‘go for a walk at just talk birthday plans’ Apparently on agreeing on the piano he then started planning for my 40th next year. He has shown the same generosity in the lead up to Christmas enjoying the buying and organising of presents for his brother and others as much as the sweet agony of trying to work out what he might get.

We continued to enjoy the lead up to Christmas with carols on the Saturday night before with our lovely friends Soy and Elissa and their kids. The rain that had poured down all day stopped just in time and the kids roamed around the park with the neighbourhood kids, skirting water at each other and generally while we grown-ups sipped champagne and congratulated ourselves on a year well done.

We drove down to my parents place for Christmas and Christmas Eve was all that you would want. Thomas was literally jumping up and down after writing his note to Santa with pure and unadulterated excitement and anticipation. We went to church to see my niece and nephew as a king and wise man respectfully which was endearing. Especially, my young nephew who brought tears of laughter to my sister (his other aunty) and my eyes as he – without thought while sitting in the pew next to us started to do learned hand actions to Away in a Manger.

Al was completely gorgeous with everyone and charmed the sox off the whole crowd with his smile and chubby legs. It was so good to see him well as we had had a night during the week in hospital with asthma. He is rolling to get everything and anything and we are pleading with him not to crawl until after our camping holiday.

Santa did as Santa does and we were initially woken with a ‘Mum Santa has come!’ at 1:00am and then joined in our – already filled with baby – bed by a wriggling Thomas who was beside himself with excitement. We re-awoke at 6:00 to open presents and had a lovely morning and lunch with my extended family eating food that my mother could not have gone to more trouble over and that was completely gorgeous. Heading home in the afternoon to meet up with Gaye’s mum who arrived first thing on Boxing Day.

A week of holiday fun has followed with laid back and thoroughly enjoyable family outings fit for a grandmother, two mothers, an 8 year and an 8 month old to the beach to try out the new surf board, a couple of different pools (Al just adored the indoor one kicking and splashing with glee) , a middle of the day dvd Harry Potter festival, a bit of cricket and dog walking, a return trip on the ferry to harbour side beach for fish and chips and a swim on NYEve – amused and rather horrified to see the punters already lining up for the fireworks 10.5 hours away.

We ended the year – well sort of it was 9:00pm – watching the fireworks and eating chocolate from the hill at our local park, which has good views over the city. I don’t know about Gaye, but I felt very content sitting there – the four of us and her mum – thinking of the year that had gone by and looking forward to the one that is upon us…

Happy New Year to all

Do you believe?

Thomas - bless his cotton sox - is so enjoying the lead up to Christmas this year. The advent calendar is fun, picking out and talking about presents is completely fabulous especially leaking fake ideas about what a present might be. (Imagine lots of over acting, wide eyes the whole bit) and the looking forwarding to spending time with family is completely fantastic. If only it could last longer (in his mind!).

We have had a question about Santa's realness (tell me the truth Mum!) but he is completely clear that it would be a bit rude not to believe in Santa since he brings presents. I think this will be our last year when he believes but next year he will really want to enter into Al believing so the fun can go on...

My line is it depends on what you believe...one aunt has told him she got up once in the middle of the night and saw a flash of red she is sure was Santa. Gaye told him she saw a flash of light the year she flew from Darwin at midnight on Christmas Day so she is completely sure he exists.

He has what he calls 'a full-proof 100% plan' in that he has asked Santa to give me a surf board this year and it 'isn't like you will be able to hide that in the car on the way to Papa's'. Soooo if I get a surf board and I can't see one on the car - Santa definitely exists!

man&wife4life

I just read this post from Kelly from The Muriels:

The Australian Christian Lobby has started an email campaign called Man+Wife4Life here:

Man+Wife4Life

which encourages Christians to send emails to their pollies opposing the ACT Civil Union/Partnership Bill.

They've done a great job of uploading all the postcodes/pollies in Australia so that all you have to do is type in your p/code and it automatically comes up with the contact emails for you. You then type in your message and, "bingo" it shoots off to the appropriate representative.

I thought it would be a shame to waste such excellent work, so I have used their very clever form to send off emails of SUPPORT for the ACT Bill.

Posted here in case anyone else feels so inclined.

I just did it - it was so much fun ... I used all their language too - just turned it around!

Just in case anyone else felt like a bit of a laugh while, you know, trying to fix the world ...

Advent

We have entered into the Christmas spirit and our advent calendar full of activities with the tree up and Santa photos taken, our home is awash with Christmas cards that are half made and half written. It is Al's first Christmas but Thomas is awash with the traditions and must haves during the Christmas season. He has joined up all of our individual family traditions and made them his own. The things he enjoys the most are the 'doing things' that involve us all like:

• each of us picking out a new decoration for our tree and Thomas picking one for his Dad's and one for my Mum's. This is a tradition that dates from my childhood and my parents tree (before they lost everything in the fire) was heavy with memories from childhood, early 20s travel and friends and relatives who visited for one Christmas or another as each trip or visit involved the adding of decorations to the tree. This year he picked up one for his brother and our tree is starting to look nice and full - I am looking forward to being an old lady and enjoying all those memories again. I will have a very strong memory from this year of Al rolling over and over from his spot in the middle of the room so he is lying under the decorated tree watching with huge eyes the lights and reaching up with all his might to grab a unreachable glowing star or twinkly ball.
  
• stirring the pudding mixture and making a wish. This comes from my Dad's side of the family and Thomas has been involved every year in a pudding stirring. Some years when we won't see my folks around Christmas my Mum makes a pudding in November, this year she is saving one for the 21/12 when we will be there so he (and we) can have our annual wish. The last two years Gaye and I have wished for a baby and then his healthy arrival. Until a week or so ago I felt like I wouldn't know what to wish for this year - but now I shall wish for their ongoing health and happiness.
• visiting Santa (includes photo - thou Thomas did in fact refuse to have his photo with that strangely dressed big man from aged 3 - 5 so there are a couple of years missing) and writing his note and leaving out some of my birthday cake for him at night
• decorating the tree - which has been brought back to the first week in December as that is Gaye's tradition - which also must involve the playing of Christmas music (that's me) and now the decorating of the house (this is all Gaye and Thomas - who each respectfully love the 'tack' and 'beauty' of the Christmas lights)
• buying a present to go under the wishing tree for a child whose parents can't give them Christmas
• the making of a Christmas decoration - this year we are making chains of cardboard into reindeer's and Santa's. Complicated but good fun.
• a picnic one night some where where there is carols by candlelight - some years we do the big thing in town - some years the local park or church
  

Rather endearingly Thomas enjoys the talking of what to get for others just as much as what he might get himself - possibly more. Gaye and Al have been away for a couple of days visiting and he is longing for her return so they can go for a walk and discuss at length (again) the birthday and Christmas possibilities.

We have also promised Thomas this year a drive in the middle of the night to look at houses where people 'go crazy' with their lights. We will also walk our neighbour hood on Christmas Eve - but it doesn't seem like our (slightly more inner city and groovy) neighbours are as enthusiastic as our old neighbourhood was.

Thomas has an advent calendar of course - it is day 11 today and he is sure it is going to take FOREVER to get to day 25!

Today I attended the funeral of one of Thomas' classmates. He was just 6 years old and only had a very short illness. I actually don't know what he died of (there are many stories going around school) but I understand he fought hard. I was moved by the service and a bit in awe of his mother who spoke so eloquently of her boy. My heart breaks of her and the rest of his family and the sight of that small coffin was overwhelming.

His sudden death has haunted me all week - as it would I think of any mother of a small boy. I am sitting here at my desk with his service notes in front of me and their is a photo taken sometime recently on the front of his grinning face.

We are trying to help Thomas understand that yes children do die but he can still feel safe in the world.

But mostly today - everyday - I thank the goddess that both my boys are well.

another childhood milestone

I was going to be at a conference this week. Not a fabulous conference but it was in another state and staying in a hotel where breakfast in bed would be an everyday event for three whole days. When someone else would be making my bed and where I would get to look at new shops and of-course of-course learn new and interesting things from the conference and I would be away from my boss for awhile – which would be a nice break – the two of us need one from each other at the moment..

But alas no, I am not … I am at home – I am in the office.

I am at home and in the office because Thomas fell out of a tree on Friday night while we were at the park celebrating Lightning’s First Birthday (Which involved making a liver and rice flour birthday cake and making up dog and kid treat bags a couple of bottles of bubbly and some biccies and dips at the park with hmm 15 friends and 10 dogs. The party was very Thomas’ idea who also said in the lead up “well we will be celebrating Al’s first birthday won’t we? So why wouldn’t we celebrate Lightning’s he is part of our family” and “how many years do you think it will take Lightning to understand that it is his birthday in November”) and broke his arm.

I make light of it now because he is okay. He has a shoulder to wrist cast which is along the back of his arm. His full cast will go on tomorrow. But it is the “best kind” of break as it is in alignment. He is still in a bit of pain my poor darling and not sleeping all that well … and a tough few weeks ahead missing out on all sorts of things at school which is very sad.

But as my work friends have said it is a right of child hood and at least he did it in the normal way – falling out of a tree.

Thomas' Christmas talk

My celebration to talk about is Christmas.

Before Christmas we make the pudding. When I make the pudding we do it at Paule’s house with my cousins. We make a wish when we stir the pudding. Then on Christmas Day we eat the pudding.

We also decorate the tree. I decorate two trees one with Dad and H and one with Mum and Gaye. This year Al and Lightning will be there too.

My Dad grows a tree in a pot, my Mum tried to but she always killed them so now we get a fresh tree which is big.

We put milk and beer and my Mum’s birthday cake out for Santa and big juicy carrots for the reindeers. We read The Night Before Christmas before I go to bed. My Grandpa knows all the words.

There is lots of different music for Christmas and I like it because you only sing it when it is Christmas.

I like Christmas because it is a happy day

the craziness seems to be starting early

Just as all those Christmas decorations start to come earlier and earlier each year so does the socialising 'we must catch up before Christmas'

Fortunately for Gaye and I we are simultaneously emerging from new-baby fog and quite enjoying the times with friends and getting out and about.

This weekend flew by - aided by Thomas' Dad quiting his job and being available on weekends for the first time in 6 or 7 years (not sure how I feel about this) and so coming to pick him up and take him to a surfing lesson on Saturday afternoon. We also helped out at the school fete and caught up with friends for dinner on Saturday night for dinner with what seemed like an army of children and adults but I think was only 11 in total. We had brunch at other friends on Sunday morning - a friendship that is in the process of being re-newed and enjoyed a swim at the famous but completely overwhelming Bon*di Beach.

Al is really into his solids now - loving chicken and pumpkin mashed together ALOT. He is sitting for a few moments at a time and starting to really enjoy games like peek a boo.

Thomas continues to follow the election with interest (more than me if truth be told - I feel sure we are going to get another go of our current prime minister) he can't believe we haven't voted yet...it has seemed like a very long campaign.

cup

Today I found myself having breakfast with Thomas and checking out the form-guide. It must be Cup Day. I am not a fan of the horse riding myself - but it seems in very bad form not to lightly engage what is a national past time. I admit to feeling slightly uncomfortable about doing it thou - it is weird how gambling is OK in this context. Is it a good message do you think? - it is okay to bet occasionally as long as you realise you might lose the money... Anyway he chose Purple Moon because the rider had won twice before and I agreed to go with his choice too. His Dad who does not bet at any other time of the year has always bet on the Cup and mostly he wins. This is the message I got post race on my mobile phone:

Hi Mum I finally won in second place, Purple Moon came second. I don't how much money is. DAD DIDN'T WIN THIS TIME (exaggerated tone) but you would have won of course because Purple Moon came second unless you did a first bet which wouldn't be too smart. Anyway Dad lost $20.00, $20.00 (exaggerated tone). So that's that bye,

plates and braces are cool Muma

So ... for the last six months we have been visiting orthodontist with Thomas. For first and second opinions about when and where and what he is going to need in orthodontic treatment. We started out with the world known where it was like going to a braces factory and worked our way to nice and kind and sensible local orthodontist. All we spoke to said the same thing - it isn't a question of if but a question of when and the sooner the better.

So after much agonising (which I won't bore you with - except to say that this has been recommended as the least painful route and most likely to end in least intervention) we decided to start now.

Thomas has been dreading it and so have I (OK so I have post braces issues from my youth). So today was the day and I got myself into a frenzy of organisation to ensure that all possibilities were covered - day off school, half a day off school, Panadol etc etc.

And he has decided they are cool...

meant to be

Sometimes things just feel like they are meant to be. For the last few months Gaye and I have been agonising over how to best manage care of Al when she works. We would prefer it if we could be at home with him (at least one of us!) and so Gaye has (after running out of leave and savings) undetaken the majority of her work from home. She has to go to meetings a bit at the office but we have managed this hour or two through the lovely Aunty Lou or him coming to work with me or going with Gaye and a couple of occasions when our folks were in town. But it is becoming a bit hard on Gaye to actually get her work done - what we needed was someone who could be around to help out.

The thing is we didn't want to leave him with anyone we didn't know - we have wished we had a grandma down the road to drop him in with for a little awhile or another friend with a smallish baby looking for a bit of a swap.

The other day on the bus to work I ran into a young man (I sound so old saying that!) who I have known through my dearest friends most of his life. My dearest friends - and parenting gurus - donated sperm to both his mothers 20 years and 17 years ago and the two boys they had have grown up closely as extended family with the two girls my dearest friends had 19 and 15 years ago. Way before everyone was doing it - they were. Although I don't spend much time with his mothers when we do get together we are completely up to date on each other and our kids as our mutual friend's keep us in the loop and I have spent time with the boys often when I have been at my friend's home.

Anyway I went home and talked to Gaye about seeing him - he has grown into a lovely man. He has taken on lots of responsibilities in his life for others in his family who are vulnerable and is kind and easy to talk to. Anyway we looked at each other and said 'what about him for Al'

I just rang him and he is keen. Gaye will be at home most of the time when he is there and I am only two minutes up the road when she is not. I completely trust him to be kind and sensible at all times.

Don't you think it is kind of gorgeous that our baby boy with two mothers is going to be babysat by a grown boy of two mothers!

For my family ... I will be voting Green

Six Months

Al is six months old and completely gorgeous.

He smiles and laughs whenever we walk past - even if it is 2 minutes since he last saw us. His personality is really emerging, he is a relaxed and calm baby - like his mother.

We found out last week after (another) scary trip to emergency that he is allergic to wheat and eggs and so are adapting Gaye's (and therefore all of our) diets appropriately. As well as recognising that introduction to food will go slowly slowly in our place

He loves his solid food - pears and rice and potatoes so far. And is enjoying having a cup of water - to the point of crying if it is taken away which is pretty funny since he really doesn't cry about much else.

Al moved into the bedroom next door last week, as an attempt to discourage him from calling for room service quite so often. Which has improved Gaye's sleep somewhat.

Rather (completely) endearingly, Thomas has insisted on moving his bed into the same room so he can sleep next to his brother (and turning his bedroom into a playroom).

Lets go green then

I find myself slightly flummoxed that I am hoping like crazy that the finally called election results in a fairly right-wing left gets in, rather than the horror that is the current government getting another term. It is a case of better than bad I guess.

Thomas’ take on the election is going keep us amused. We have had many conversations already about voting and policies. And how there are two big parties and some smaller ones. He thinks of it like a football game (perhaps it is)…If only it were as easy as this to get other people around to my ideas…

“So Mum, who are you going for?”
“Labor honey”
“Not Mr Howard?”
“No – not Mr Howard, Mr Rudd?”
“So – you like Mr Rudd?”
“I like what he believes in better than what Mr Howard believes in”
“Like the taxes going on schools making them better that stuff”
“Yep that is the sort of thing”
“OK so we are going for the Labors?”
“Yep and the Greens”
“Who is the boss of the Green’s”
“Bob Brown”
“Do you like Bob Brown?”
“I really really like Bob Brown”
"He is the one who likes garden's isn't he?but his Greens are too small to win on their own"
"Yep thats them"
“OK, well I think I will go for the Greens and Labor too”

This morning there was a cartoon of Howard and Rudd dressed as B1 and B2 with a small Costello next to Howard. He asked if it was Howard’s son and I explained that Howard was planning to hand over his leadership half way through his term. “You got to be kidding, why don’t we get to vote about that then?”

An excellent point ….

Baby Charlotte

Many congratulations to Kelly and Sam at The Muriels http://themuriels.blogspot.com/ on the birth of their girl Charlotte.

Yay!

short and sweet

• Al is almost sitting - but he WILL NOT roll
• Thomas has hit five feet tall and fits into the size 12 clothes I bought him this weekend (he is 8) except he is so skinny ne needs to wear belts
• I found two pairs of pants that I liked and fit on the weekend and was feeling very good in them until one of the kids at school asked me if I had a baby in my belly - hmm back on that diet again
• the baptism approaches - it is looking kind of mad. Relatives coming from all sorts of states and cities. None of them have met before and it seems they will all be around for a week. Breathe for me
  

or

Maybe I am just scared. Scared of re-visiting my infertilty. That month by month failure. Maybe all the worry is just a mask for that

Upsetting the balance

I am a worrier. I worry. Normal mother/lover/sister/daughter/friend worry I do, plus I do a whole lot of extra worrying. Sometimes I think I need my own 12 step plan to manage it. Hello my name is XXX and I am a worrier. I have all sorts of worries, state of the world worries, health worries - making sure that garlic is actually from Australia and organic, personal worries - did I talk to much? to little... honestly the list is long long long.

One of my worries is upsetting the balance.

Life is pretty good for me. I have two beautiful boys to love and my lovely Gaye. But I want more – well as least I do some of the time. The rest of the time I worry about upsetting the balance.

The balance is the fine line of keeping everything okay. Like now for instance, Thomas is okay with Al – in fact he loves him. Al has a brother – albeit one who goes to his Dad’s a couple of nights a week (which I know is good but feels not so good!). Gaye and I are managing our workloads and bills and keeping on keeping on.

But really really I want another baby. I want to be pregnant again. I want to be the one at home with the baby. I loved being at home with a baby and I was pretty good at it too – not suffering from the boredom/loneliness etc that lots of other women experience when they are at home with a young baby. I liked it – mulching about with Thomas and I am forever grateful for those days (especially now he goes to his Dads). Anyway that is off the track – see the issue is really balance and my worry about it.

Why would I upset things when they are all good. I am 39 at the end of the year; my first baby will be 9 in February. Might it worry him to come and go from a household with two small babies, will he feel cast out from a 2nd family (right now he feels at the centre I believe – he himself strongly believes that he is Al’s favourite person for example). Will it tip things over the edge for us money wise (we would need a bigger house and car for example) and what do we do with those two e*bies on ice of Gaye's if it is me who gets pregnant. There are many reasons not to do it.

I always saw myself with a household of children, a family when grown that came together on a huge long table to feast in a household that they had grown up in on a table they had sat around many many times.

My life and Thomas' life have just not been like that so far. It was just us for awhile and although the houses we have lived in together we still have some connection too we don't live in them anymore and he goes between two homes.

Thomas has been the centre of my world for a very long time now and I did wonder about my ability to love another child in the same way - especially one I didn't carry. As it turns out I continue to stun myself with the ways in which I feel just the same about Al. In fact I bite my tongue all the time not to be over controlling about his care - given it is Gaye who is actually at home with him most of the time. It is hard for me to make a decision without judging what the potential impacts might be on Thomas and Al. And I worry about upsetting the balance.

I guess the thing with me these days is I do really see things can change so quickly and profoundly. My life does not resemble the life I thought I would have 10 years - even 5 years ago. That finding and keeping balance is actually a constant act of conscious behaviour. That in lots of ways our relationships are delicate beings that need to be handled gently and consistently. That I should be grateful for what I have...

This is a long and rambling post - and leads to no conclusion. But I do feel better for it....

Things

• it is the last day of the soccer season tomorrow and right now all the grounds are closed because it has been raining here in Sydney for about a week. After tomorrow our Saturdays won't start with sport for a whole 5 weeks - when swimming will start - we are looking forward to that ... but I have enjoyed being part of this new team with the lovely parents and kids on a Saturday morning and not having a role in organising anything!
• Thomas is off to see the Sydn*y FC play tonight as their season is starting up (maybe our weekends will include sport!)
• I am just loving facebook. I am playing Scrabble with an old highschool friend who I usually have email contact with twice a year. I am really loving this
• Al has almost mastered all of the things all those check-lists say he should have mastered by the time he is 4.5 months old. He can't roll yet.
• He has decided that sleeping is best done in short spurts. We are trying to convince him otherwise.
• He has also found is thumb - he finds it alot now
  
• Gaye is managing to work from home and parent a 4.5 month old. She is very very clever.
• We are looking forward to Al's baptism - which everyone we invited seems to be coming (despite the fact that we actually invited all those interstate relatives with the aim of being inclusive but with no expectation that they would actually come) we need to come up with a more serious menu and plan for the day as a result.
• I asked Thomas if he thought Gaye and I should have some sort of ceremony like a wedding. He said that we were already married to each other and you can't just go around getting married over and over because you feel like it... I said I thought he was right about that...
  

The big little boy and the baby boy

Thomas is so caught between being a big and a little boy.

He was really happy to dress up as a Slytherian Quiditch player (thanks to my Mum's sewing skills) this morning for the annual book week parade at school, but way to cool to join in the dancing. He looked completely gorgeous today and he (by his actions) reminded me that we don't have to get things 'perfect' for our children to enjoy them. His cape was green but not the 'right' material for a Quiditch gown - and we didn't have all the gear that goes underneath, he styled himself and was thrilled to bits with the outcome - the cape, his wand, his broom and slicked back hair. Another day of Har*y P*tter! For all its other faults, I really really really like that my job 'allows' me the freedom to nick off at 11:30 for an hour or so to watch the book week parade.

Thomas is also pretty chuffed that he is reading his first novel (just like a grown-ups) to himself (as in not aloud) thou he still loves to be read too. He climbed into bed with us last night (yes we went to bed at 8!) to read alongside us stopping every few pages to ask what page we were up to in our respective novels.

He did return to his own bed to fall asleep only to return to ours around 11 after a nightmare*, Al wasn't all that keen on being returned to his cot after his feed at 2:30 either so we slept all together (well they slept - Gaye and I dozed between two boys imitating star fish) like sardines in our lovely big bed until 6:30 when Al decided wake-up time was called for and laughed and gurgled until we all woke.

The two boys then lay in front of the heater awhile (it has gone all cold and wet again in Sydney) Thomas reading his novel and Al trying to get his attention with calls and gurgles and laughs. I truly am loving this stage of our lives . . .

*I am of the strong suspicion that Thomas has worked out that a 'nightmare' gets him the rest of the night in bed with us. He seems remarkably unperturbed by these events and they seem to occur on cold nights more often. I think the reality is that he kicks the blankets off (still) and after awhile gets cold enough to wake up so comes where it is warm.

Forwards and backwards

I am a daggy old thing – this I have well and truly come to grips with. This week I bought tickets to the In*igo Gir*s who are coming to Sydney in November. I have been walking around singing their songs all week. And there is still 10 weeks to go! I am not a mad and crazy obsessed fan who doesn’t listen to anything else but I am, undeniably pleased to have tickets to the gig. (See I am so daggy I nearly wrote show!). My good friend Simon would be very unimpressed with me – he has a theory that we all just keep listening to the music or like-music that we are attracted to in our 20’s for our whole lives and that this is how we fall out of touch with our children and up-to date music. He has a whole blog about it – Stay Cool Dad – and I have tried and failed to get him to go with me to the upcoming P*lice tour – we were all obsessed in our youth!

We had a good weekend at our place. It is warm in Sydney and both boys were deeply in need of quiet and low key as they both have 'a bit of' a cold so our days were lazy ones around the house with soccer (3rd last for the season) scones with friends and walks in the park with the dog.

Last week my very first ‘true’ love got in contact with me. About three or four times a year I get a missive via email. It is usually about 3 paragraphs long – I always reply usually with many questions and then never hear back again until the next one which never answers the questions I asked. I will very frankly admit that an Irish accent can still make me go weak at the knees (literally) and for many (too many) years just seeing his email address would make my heart leap and sometimes I would wonder what would have happened if I had made different decisions in my life (We left each other on very good terms.).

Clearly I have, however, moved on (it is 20 years ago this year) as their was no reflection or heart leaping – nor has there been for a good long while - last week (actually not to be soppy but the only time my heart leapt last week was on a very beautiful day as I turned into our street on my walk home from work and Gaye came out of our house carrying Al and was walking down the street to meet me).

It was a week for old friends as last week I signed up for face*ook. It is kind of work related as I work with students and I am trying to keep in touch with what they are up to and how they communicate. But I just don’t get it yet… anyway I did find that a few people from my deep and distant past came looking for me (I haven't said yes to them being 'friends' yet) as well as some very good current friends and I can see it is handy for those quick update hello type moments - but so far I am liking the whole blog thing better. I sense I am meant to tie them all together, but I don’t think I am ready. I have done this blog thing semi-anonymously so far (we use our middle names and put no photos here for both our privacy and the boys). I'm just not ready to have my life out there yet and I think it would impact on what I would say but I also don't know if I can keep with maintaining all this media. We shall see perhaps I am ready to jump in to the abyss.

back from the snow

For a moment there last week, my (relatively small) family was spread across three states. Gaye and Al were in QLD, getting a head start on me as I was joining them that evening so I was in NSW. Thomas was at the snow in Victoria skiing with his Dad. I am not that good at all being spread out about the place. I prefer my family (especially my boys) within reaching distance 'just in case.'

But Thomas is back now - hooray! The days drag along a bit when he is away, and now that his Dad has ENGAGED (after being pretty part-time and slap dash - thou very loving I have to say - about it until he got married last year) with spending time with him, I am constantly challenged by Thomas being away more than I would like or am used to.

Thomas is getting to do some fabulous things, he is really enjoying himself and I know it is THE BEST thing for them to have a strong relationship (still a small part of me wishes he would just take it down a notch!).

This afternoon we are going out to replace Dash the goldfish we managed to keep alive for the last four years. He was Thomas' first pet and there was considerable sadness at his passing. I was chided by both Gaye and Thomas when suggesting just days after his death and toilet based funeral that we might like to buy another. But apparently the grief has eased now and we are ready to move on.

Al is of course a complete joy. 17 weeks, smiling and laughing. He is the biggest chatter box and likes to ensure he has our FULL attention while conversing. It is so lovely having a young baby in the house.

So lovely in fact that we have begun discussions of 'what next?' Should Gaye have a go again with those 'girls at boarding school' (Em-os in the freezer). Should I try (how will that be for Thomas being the much older sibling of two babies and one of them born from me) and if I do am I meant to use the Em-os that are made from Gaye's eggs before I make some more of my own???

These questions will be discussed at length (no doubt) over the coming months until decisions are made ....

I haven't written for awhile. We have been on holidays. We drove north towards the sun (well sunnier) weather and had a fabulous ten days in Gaye's parents grey-nomad van. Fully equipped with plasma tv, dvd, fridge, oven and microwave it was a lovely break away from the every day. There isn't much to report from the holiday - we walked, swam, drank coffee, watched dvd's, had a ride on a ferry, played outdoor checkers. But it was a lovely time all the same.

I am two days back at work and missing both boys alot. Thomas is back at school yesterday and we are counting the sleeps until our Harry Potter Wizards Express weekend (three sleeps now).

Al is growing fast and doing all the things you would want him to do - chatting away to us at every opportunity. He is completely engaged with both Thomas and I now - recognising our voices and faces and wanting our attention. Yesterday we lay in bed in the morning - all four of us - bemoaning the end of our holiday and the cold weather we have returned to. Al and Thomas were in the middle of Gaye and I and Al was 'talking' ten to the dozen. When Thomas turned away from him Al would reach out and pat Thomas back at the same time making very loud attention seeking sounds. Much giggling and repeating followed.

Thomas and I went into town on Monday to buy new thermals and the like for his ski trip in two weeks with his Dad. (Well, that was the cover story - we did do that but we also bought Gaye's birthday present). Thomas looked so big walking along with me - chatting away about all sorts of potential disasters (what would you do if I fell on to the train tracks? what should I do if I see a robber? etc etc). He is caught between being a pre-teen and a little boy still. Declaring the stripey thermals dorky (choosing basic black - what can I say he is an inner city boy) but at the same time saying 'tooken' instead of 'taken', 'remember me Mum" instead of 'remind me Mum' and 'fastly' instead of 'quickly' and skipping at the sight of his favourite and promised fast-food lunch. And while I love and am so proud of him as he seeks independence - I adore these little boy moments.

jobs

I'm kind of bored to be honest. Bored at work. I have been this way for awhile now - kind of bored. There are good things about my job. It is so close to home I can pop home for lunch . it is so close to school I can do reading and it is like I have popped out for a coffee. There is lots and lots of sick leave (10 weeks per year!) which can be used as parenting/carers leave. My boss is okay - good about the personal stuff but pretty unpredictable and rather controlling about the work stuff. Which is, well, annoying at this (skilled) stage of my life.

Soooo - what to do? I have been here 15 months. (Did I mention that once I cross over to two years it is 20 weeks paid maternity leave NOT that I am thinking very much about getting pregnant). 15 months when most of my jobs have last a couple of years at least. My last agency I was in for almost four years thou I changed jobs in that time. My point being it doesn't look too bad on the CV - 15 months I mean. Do I stick with the slightly boring, slightly annoying job and boss with issues I keep trying to care about (but don't) with completely fabulous conditions or do I move on??

Gaye thinks I should find something else that I like more, Gaye's mum thinks I should wear it as it is so good family wise. My Dad loves the status of the organisation I work for....

I have an interview today for a job in a private company. I haven't worked in a private company before - what they do is try and get business to support community organisations and mentor social entrepreneurs. I'd be the research and evaluation girl and they said I could work from home two days a week. Sounds ok...huh? But is has taken them 10 weeks to get this far in the process and I am a bit worried it will be just like here. A bit boring, not quite enough to keep me busy. This is my today task - to interview them as well as they interview me!

Plus - a job I think I would like has come up at my old agency. I did like working there and I think I could do it. +++ good money, some interstate travel, might be a bit more interesting. -- less time at home, school reading etc etc would be a wash out.

It is the whole work life balance thing. Do you think it is to much to expect, interesting job, reasonable hours and good pay?

Beyond ...

I am beyond tired, beyond worn out, beyond anything. I just want to crawl into bed and never get out. This cold has taken hold of me and I feel like it is never going to leave. Gaye’s got it to now. Samuel and Thomas a coughing occasionally but almost better. Thomas didn’t want to go to school this morning – he was playing on his bed with lego and I nearly said okay.

We have had him for the whole week as his dad is away – and it is so lovely. I wish he were with me all the time. Most years I have had at least a month where his Dad has gone away – but not this year – in fact he is wanting more and more time with him as he gets older, which is a bit depressing. Still he spends most of his time with us and all of his weekends – I try and keep my mind on that.

A quiet weekend ahead – that is my plan. I have cancelled everything and everyone and am planning lots of rest and board games!

fear, relief, exhausted

I have been planning on writing this post all morning, but I just couldn't think of what to call it and then I just decided to go with the feelings of the last week.

Last Wednesday night around 10:30 we took Al to hospital as his breathing was pretty rugger ed, and having a history of asthma in the family we thought he might need some assistance. We took him to the local 24 hour GP clinic and he was transferred by ambulance to the great big children's hospital with Gaye in the ambulance and me following along in the car behind.

At this point he seemed sick but OK but they insisted on the ambulance as they said 'babies this small can go down hill very fast' they were right. At 11:00 they put him on oxygen, at 1:00 am he stopped feeding very much, at 3:00 he showed no interest at all in feeding. At 4:00 I finally convinced Gaye to have a rest in a chair next to the bed, we had been up all the night and he had been restless with his cold all week, it was clear she was going to have to stay in hospital with him for at least a few days. She fell to sleep and I sat in a chair with Al in my arms watching him. Suddenly his stats dropped, the machines went off and he went completely limp in my arms, I called to Gaye to get the nurse, she woke up to see him completely limp and clearly not breathing, the nurses and doctors came running. He got himself breathing again. This happened again four more times in the next hour. It was terrifying, I cannot say how terrifying. My knees literally knocked, my heart was in my mouth the whole time. I was completely full of fear. I am trying to forget the way he looked at that moment and Gaye's face in the following hours and days.

They put him on a drip (Gaye cried as much as he as the cannula went in) and took blood.

We found out from the specialist later that when small babies get this virus their brains can swell and they can forget to breathe.

He came home yesterday after 5 nights in hospital and five days of oxygen and iv fluids so his system was supported while he fought the virus. He is much much better, but still not himself completely, he has a dreadful cough. He has lost some weight and some muscle tone. But he is improving everyday.

I went out and bought one of those hideously expensive baby monitors that monitor the baby breathing, we didn't think we would sleep without it. We also bought another heater (outrageously expensive) as the Dr said we have to keep the house at 21 degrees. My credit card is full to bursting. But right now I would sell anything I have to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Gaye is sick now too, I am still unwell, Thomas has a cough we are all exhausted. But we are home and together and it will all be okay.

Thomas’ latest

We are all not all that well.

Al has his first cold (not a milestone you prefer your baby to meet at 6 weeks), Thomas has is first cough for the season (so I guess that would make it about his 21st or 22nd cold in his life) and I have joined in for good measure, Gaye has her period. How unfair is that – fully breastfed baby at 6 weeks old and getting your period only a couple of weeks after the postnatal bleeding stops.

___________________________________________________________

But while I remember I want to record Thomas’ latest incorrect and correct use of words and terms:

‘In true life' This is used as a question as in ‘is that in true life mum?’ and as a statement ‘in true life he won it’

Perpends which is a mispronunciation of depends but is used in trying to get something done ‘does it perpend mum?’ or ‘ it perpends how I think of it later”

Unlikely “I might be the tallest man in the world when I grow up Mum don’t you think?” “hmmm I doubt it darling” “I am already as tall as eleven Mum, its unlikely but I could be in the Guinness book of records for being the tallest, its unlikely but I could”

Hairstory

This is a very important post. I can't decide if I should get my hair cut or not and I need help.

There is history (hairstory?) so let me fill you in before you help me make this decision.

For most of my life I have had short hair, the last time I had really long hair was when I was 21 and it was very long and the natural curl in it was - um - 'enhanced' by a perm. Sometime after 21 and before 22 I cut it short. It has been short all of the time since then. Sometimes down to my ears but mainly very very short.

Gaye also has very very short hair and did when I met her. And although this shouldn't concern me a bit that we have similar (they aren't the same but people do tend to lump short hair cuts in together) hair but on some level it does. The lesbian urge to merge thing I think.

Still it wasn't enough to inspire me to do anything with my hair until about a year ago when I suddenly thought - I am thirty-seven if I don't grow my hair one more time before I get grey and one of those funky short grey haircuts are the go I will regret it. So I started growing it. Plus someone in my street confused Gaye and I and I thought I want to make a distinction. OK plus Alice on the L Word was wearing pigtails and I thought I want some of those!

I decided not to be to tough on myself and so had plenty of haircuts along the way trying to avoid as much as possible the difficult bits, but it was still pretty trying. Anyway it is long now. And although I have been saying this for about six months and it hasn't actually been true, it is now true that I have hair that people would describe as long. As in 'she is the one with long red curly hair.'

Here is the thing thou:

1. I am actually not sure that it suits me long
2. I don't know how to 'do' things with long hair and feel self conscious when I do things like pigtails
3. I am not feeling all that good about myself (hence returning somewhat to WW recently - gawd now I have put that on the blog I will actually have to keep going) and wonder is it because my hair doesn't feel like me.
4. The upkeep is much more intense than short hair, well actually I do the same as I did (shower, towel dry, product, out the door) but the consistency of results are not the same!
   

So a couple of weeks ago I made an appointment to have it cut off. It is next week.

But now I am thinking maybe I should live with it a bit longer, (lose weight and then do it?) cause suddenly it isn't looking or feeling so bad.

What to do internets? What to do?

he

• has put on something like 1.5 kilos since birth
• is smiling regularly
• is holding his head well
• is confusing night and day sometimes taking his longest sleeps during the day
• still pooing and weeing like a trouper keeping the the washing machine going constantly
  
• has dreadful hormonal rash and crusty bits on his head that require regular attention
• has made such a place in our hearts and our family that at 5 weeks I can't remember for the life of me what our lives were like before he came
  

'Hold breath'

Thomas is a doting and kind brother. He is patient with him. And ready and willing to be of assistance with settling and bathing. He tells Al all the time that he is beautiful and not to cry. He gives him a snuggle regularly. He kisses him on the head to say good night. His interactions with Al regularly bring tears to my eyes. Al has smiled at Gaye lots and at me a few times, but his biggest and longest grins are reserved for Thomas. I am so glad Thomas has a sibling at last.

Thomas has also shown considerable care for his puppy - regularly commenting that "we need to make sure that Lightning knows we still love him even thou we are paying a lot of attention of the baby" and making sure to give the dog a pat after he has had a nurse of the baby.

He is also says very funny things at times.

Some of Thomas' comments on his brother:

• when Al had the hiccups one morning ' why doesn't he just hold his breath Gaye' 'he doesn't know how to do it darling' ' you should tell him to hold his breath' 'He wouldn't understand darling' 'oh yeah ...we would have to make it simple' thinks a moment turns to Al and says very slowly and clearly 'Hold ... breath ... Al"
• watching Al feed 'hey Gaye, don't you think it is funny that Al gets his milk from your privates?' "not really darling, all babies do, animals do too you know' he raises his eyebrows, face full of disbelief 'yeah right Gaye'
• on our way to a special assesembly at school 'Mum is Gaye coming today?" 'No darling she is having lunch in town today' ' Well what about Al' "No he is going with Gaye" "I hope he doesn't feel like he has missed out!"

Things in the last month

that have been weird for me are -

• the constant coming out when telling people at work and the like why you have been off work. I am patient! I pause to give them a moment to work it out after I say my partner has had a baby!
  
• turning up a school with Al to pick up/drop off Thomas and have people exclaim 'I didn't even notice you were pregnant' which made me realise that Thomas' 'interesting' family wasn't actually as part of the school gossip as I presumed
• people's reactions when Thomas tells them he is a big brother. A few have tried to argue him out of it, lucky he is 8 and very sure of the way of the world through his eyes

that have been 'annoying'

• the difficulty in finding a church in the local area that would baptise Al (because his parents are in a same-sex relationship). We live in a very diverse area with a large gay and lesbian community, but apparently the churches have not caught up/adapted. Gaye really wants to have him baptised and I have been determined to find a place for it happen, but it has been a more challenging process that I expected. I walked past one of the local churches the other morning with Thomas, Lightning and Al and saw the rector. It was all I could do not to walk up and introduce myself and the boys and say 'he is the one you said was not welcome at your church on the phone the other day' but in the interests of peace, goodwill and Thomas sense of his family I resisted. It was close thou.
• the number of women (mothers) who have told me how lucky Gaye is to have me to 'help' her. 1. She would be fabulous no matter who she was with 2. I am actually not breast feeding and so there is no reason a bloke can't do what I do 3. Aren't I meant to be parenting?
  
• the number of women (mothers) who have asked me if it is different to when I had Thomas (well duh!)

i had forgotten about small babies

• the washing! It isn't the load of nappies each day (although many people can not believe we are using cloth and ask about the washing of them) it is all the other stuff that just seems to get completely filthy - wraps, little suits, my clothes, Gaye's clothes, Thomas' clothes (well okay mine and Thomas were anyway), sheets - his and his and ours it just goes on and on.
• the way people come to 'visit' and sit and stay and eat biscuits and drink cups of tea that I make
• the amount of time that can be spent cooing, gooing and gaahing over your beautiful baby and 'gawd where has the day gone'
  

Press the pause button

Tomorrow Al is one month old. Gaye said the other night that she would just like to push the pause button and enjoy this bit a bit longer, which is how I have felt at every stage of Thomas' life, enjoying the current and his learning and growing, looking forward to the next bit but also sad to see each stage pass. It is the real wonder of being a parent I think.

He is completely lovely and we have had a terrific and joyful month full of family and friends and 'just us' time. He sleeps pretty well, has unsettled times and settled times. Likes his bath and to fall asleep on a chest. Gaye has been terrific and probably the calmest mother I have ever known, taking each challenge in her stride and enjoying her time with him.

I continue to be amazed at him. Babies are amazing of course and I knew I would love him because, if nothing else I love his mother so. But I am thrilled by and in wonder of how much he has taken my heart and how I can't imagine what life was already without him. It is very hard to leave for work in the mornings.

Thomas has taken to Al with a calm and considered passion that brings a tear both Gaye and I regularly. Climbing into bed each morning to give 'my brother' a snuggle and giving Al a small kiss as he snoozes in the pram each time he passes. Thomas has accepted all accolades for himself as big brother as his due but also allowed full and appropriate attention on Samuel. He is a kind and loving little boy. I am so proud of him.

Al has been to school for 'news' and to watch Thomas play soccer, he has had Grandparents, Uncles and Aunties to visit and this week caught a plane to see his Uncle and cousin in northern NSW.

We just love him

He is here!

Our lovely boy has arrived - last Friday, and he is home today.

There are 100 stories to tell already. Backwards from today they include:

• the welcome he got when he came home today from my nephew, niece and Thomas
• Gaye's parents sprint back across two states when they had only just left the day before
• Her father's joyful tears at his name
• Gaye's amazing calm spirit as she manages to breast feed and recover from a c-section
• Thomas' joy and gentleness - we could not be more proud of how he has responded to our new arrival.
• His actual birth and the lead up to it

But the biggest and longest story is going to be the one about how he won and kept our hearts - that will be never ending.

But right now - this minute - I must not spend time on the computer as I have a mother and baby to worship

just to clarify

Thomas has somethings he has said that I want to remember

• 'it's not for talking is it mum?' is his way of confirming that a decision has been made (it is because I say 'we will have to talk about it' as a delay or you know so I can talk about something with Gaye first)

• when we first got Lightning (his puppy) I dutifully cooked up rice and organic meat for him one night. Lightning wasn't that jazzed (the rice was a bit sticky) and Thomas was very certain that Lightning just wasn't going to be the sort of dog who liked 'scraps' I said 'they are hardly scraps darling, I cooked them up for him and used lovely organic products' he said 'well mum what can I say, just for this conversation lets call them scraps'
• this week was a cracker. This week we were all sitting around the table and I made some comment about the baby coming and he said. "Mum, this baby is my brother, Gaye is this babies mummy. you aren't Mum, you are my Mum, you can be in the babies family and you can help teach Gaye to be a mummy, but you are not the babies Mummy!
  

chocolate and go-carts

Easter summed up

• We spent Easter in Canberra with my family.
• Gaye made hot-cross buns on Easter morning in my mothers kitchen and we ate them hot out of the oven for breakfast.
• We spent afternoons in the park out the front of my parents place with the kids riding bikes and the go-cart my Dad made them some months ago.
• Thomas wrote the Easter bunny a note 'Dear Easter Rabbit, please can I have a carmel egg and a wizard wand. Please make it a real wand. Or can I have a bunny, if you think I can't get the bunny home just leave it at my house, I love you"
• When the kids woke up on Easter morning they were looking at their eggs, my brother (father of Ann (9) and Denis (5) said to them 'what are you doing?' "looking at our eggs" 'this is the only day of the year you can eat chocolate for breakfast get in to it'
• Autum has started and we wore trackpants (him) and long wollen jumpers (us) in the evenings.

we are in...

Well we are in… the last box has been unpacked.

Well sort of…there is a lovely pile of things in the ‘second (babies) bedroom to into the cupboard there, the roof storage is full to the brim with the most useful things at the back and the shed looks like a bomb has hit it BUT we have ebayed, garaged saled and second hand book sold all of our extra stuff. Now we just need to find a place for the current things.

It was not without its drama – the builders have been sloppy with the finishing and so we are in constant conversation with them about when they are coming back to finish, the DA didn’t get through in time for the deck to be built so young Olive-on-the- way will need to hold himself in so we can get it built by my brother on his due date, and Gaye’s brother may as well move in given the amount of painting that needs to be done (how lucky are we to have a deck builder and a painter in the family!). But we are in. And it is lovely.

Gaye started her maternity leave last week (thou she is back in today and tomorrow) but has yet to have had the luxury of a mid day sleep there has been so much to do.

I spent yesterday re-sorting out Thomas’ room and he and I are both happy with it now. He chose the room at the end of the house and it has been quite hard for both he and I to adjust to the shift of him three rooms away. But it looks lovely now. And now the second bedroom (which is next to us) is set up he can sleep there when he wants to.

Even more lovely my sister retrieved his cot from a friend of hers who has had it the last four years or so and we put in up in the bedroom last night. It was pretty surreal to see it again and assemble but I loved waking up with it in our room this morning.

I am a happy parent having lovely beds for both our boys. (OK I admit I am one of those parents who is very happy when they eat their dinner or have snugly pj’s on too).

On Saturday night we took ourselves off to a picnic with pals to celebrate Earth Hour. I am not sure what we were expecting but it didn’t actually go that dark as we looked out on the city. I mean it was darker but not really dark. But a fine time was had by all – largely because it was night and we were eating picnic on a hill to roll down, over and over and over.

last night

It is the last night in our old house tonight. This is significant for me because when I bought that house after my previous relationship broke down it was a huge step forward in accepting a new future. When Gaye moved in with Thomas and I it became our house and it is the place where we have carved out our family. Thomas had his first day of school from that house, Gaye has done most of her pregnancy in that house, we have had birthday’s Christmas’, weekend breakfasts, friends for dinner, parties, sick days and all sorts of everyday at that house. It has been my safety net and although I am really excited about the move, both Thomas and I are feeling the move away from the street and friends we have made and the place that was ours together.

It is kind of run down now (it was bought as a do-it-upper), and my sister, Aunty Lou is moving in and we are going to fix it up together.

Our new house is looking good – thou there is lots still to do (which includes my brother coming up to build the deck on the day that Gaye is due, bringing with him my niece and nephew who will be in on school holidays as will Thomas, and a bathroom vanity which turned up yesterday 20cm too wide and so unable to fit in the spot and about 100 other things) but it is looking good, there is more space and we can settle in with Thomas before the baby comes. We can get ready for this baby, who now finally seems really likely!

Tonight we are having friends for pizza among the boxes and tomorrow we move – hopefully taking our old friends with us and being open to all that is to come.

Not to worry

I have just driven the (very nice) plumber who was installing our loo to the emergency room. He has cut his hand quite badly.

This hasn’t even thrown me a bit despite or perhaps because today also includes a sick child, no leave/goodwill left at work to comfortably stay home and look after him, the project manager making Gaye cry this morning and that I was rear ended on my way to work.

Gaye’s bleed from a couple of weeks ago turns out to be a tear in the placenta – which we have to ‘be careful’ about. I’m unsure of what that means but we are trying to make sure she gets lots of rest and takes it easy. Olive-on-the-way does not seem to be in any strife, growing at a great pace and sounding very healthy on the monitor.

She is getting pretty big now and very tired. And it has been incredibly hot and humid here when it hasn’t been thundering, so her feet and hands are very swollen and sore. Her blood pressure is good thou and I think she looks just beautiful, but she is very fragile and teary. This is not at all like her and so she is home in bed with Thomas this afternoon watching dvd’s.

Did I mention that Gaye’s brother and father have spent the weekend painting at our place (her brother does it for a living) which they kindly offered to do after the project manager admitted that he has in fact spent much much more money than anticipated and so we have none left for painting or deck building (which thankfully my brother does for a living).

We have had to call in all favours from family and bring them from three different states across the country to get the work done. We will now move into a rather less finished house. We have been yelled at and hung-up on by the project manager who used to be our friend. I have taken over all communication with him to keep gaye out of it and so we can get the job over and I went where angels fear to tread this morning and rang his wife and said this can’t go on. She must have talked to him as he is all sweetness this afternoon.

You can understand why on Friday I cried about some dumb issue with the soccer team!

Today however I am taking it in my stride, not even thinking about the fact that I have let down work again, smiling at the bloke who ran into the back of me and saying ‘not to worry’ and running out of a meeting to take the plumber to the ER. There is just so much on that today you couldn’t phase me if you tried

The water catcher

The thing I love most about having an eight year old is the talks we have. I love that he stills hops into bed for a snuggle (I feel like I am on the count down there) and in lots of ways he is still such a little fella, but I reckon we have many a fabulous conversation ahead of us him and I.

This morning for example.

We have a bit of problem here in Sydney with water - as in there is not enough in the damn dam.

This issue is talked about obsessively but media and friends alike and so Thomas has a pretty good idea of the need to save and conserve water. I have tried to demonstrate proactively - we are putting in water tanks as part of our renovation, which will feed the loo and the washing machine, and we try to keep our baths (loved by Gaye and Thomas) and showers (loved by moi) to a respectable length.

It rained here a couple of weeks ago and there was much celebration as some of it actually fell into the catchment – a feat not seen for some years.

Thomas has been full of plans to collect water – lots of trucks following the clouds was the most recent.

So this morning as we drive to school, dropping Gaye off at the train and she (as she is working on election issues) was listening intently to the news on the radio. Once she got out he started chatting to me about the book he was reading and how much he was enjoying it – he offered to lend it to me when he was finished with it.

Then he asked, “So Mum did the catcher get it?”
“Sorry darling?”
“The rain last night, did the catcher get it?”
“Did it go into the catchment? Yes darling I think some of it did.”
“Why doesn’t it all go into the catcher?”
“Well the catchment is the area around the river that leads to the dam”
“Why do we want it in a river?”
“That is where it goes into the river and then into the dam and then into pipes and to us”
“Over one of the fountains?”
‘A waterfall? Yes the dam is made of concrete and steel and then the water goes over the dam in a bit waterfall”
“Is it working now”?
“Yes it works but there isn’t enough water.”
“Is this something I need to be worried about Mum? Cause we would die if there was no water.”
(Reassuring conversation about no need to worry and here is a few things we can do)
“I just don’t understand Mum, why don’t they get a wizard to help out with a spell for the water”

OR

“Mum does the government have a bank account”
“mmmm many”
“Does John Howard only have the pin number?”


OR

“Where do poos go?”
(Discussion about sewerage treatment including mention of chemicals)
“Oh so poos are good cause they put a potion in and then they make water and soil”

steel shopping

Can I just say that I have got 3 replies back today after faxing 5 companies yesterday for quotes for my stainless steel benchtop for our new kitchen (yes I know they are expensive and I know the scratch but basically life is about scratching AND I have given up lots of things I really really wanted in renovating this kitchen and I am NOT giving this up) and the prices vary by more than $3,000.00. That is $3,000.00. At the bottom $2,700 and at the top $5,900.

Only one month now until we move in. The movers are booked, the boxes are coming.

Just a quick trip to the hospital

Gaye has spent a good part of the last two and half days in hospital. She woke up during the night with some bleeding so we went to hospital on Tuesday morning at the direction of the birth centre midwife. They have done every test under the sun and it seems as if the baby is doing just fine, he is in there safe and sound, good heartbeat and his ultra sound looked normal. All the dreadful things they listed as possible reasons for bleeding did not prove to be true on testing - but they haven't actually worked out what it is that made her bleed.

So they have sent her home, which is good because we missed her and who rests in hospital anyway, but still at home resting today. The doctor was stern and firm with her about taking things easy (which I have to say she had been anyway) and coming back in should the bleeding start again but otherwise thinking that it is okay.

We are talking very sensibly to each other about how it is all going to be okay - but I admit to an ongoing worried feeling that has me ringing home often to see how she is.

He is eight

I can't believe it. This time eight years ago I was moving from the birthing room to my room in the hospital amazed and stunned at him and myself.

Today I still look at him with amazement, he rode his new bike (a big boys bike with 21 gears and only handle breaks and big big wheels) with confidence, ordered his own breakfast at the cafe without any prompting, carried his cupcakes to share with his class in by himself and read all the cards attached to presents without any assistance. I am so proud of him sometimes I could burst.

Tonight Gaye is cooking pizza and I have made an orange cake, Aunty Sal is coming and we will have a small family celebration. On Saturday a party for 20 at the local bike path with friends, family, hot dogs and more cake.

Happy Birthday my darling darling boy

I haven’t blogged for awhile – I don’t know why – it isn’t like nothing is happening it all is...

Baby making
Gaye has only 11 weeks to go. Which seems amazing, it starts out feeling like nine months will stretch forever and then suddenly you are on the down ward run. She looks fabulous and all baby (she has such a classic pregnant tear drop belly). We are excited and starting to believe it just might be true.

Having lots of dilemmas about birthing partners or not and generally enjoying the last part of the ride.

Thomas
Has started back at school this week. He is taking being the top of the school very very seriously, and was concerned to invite even the boy who didn’t invite him to his party last year to Thomas’ this year – because ‘I don’t want him to feel like I did.’ He is looking forward to being a sports monitor and so far likes his teacher thou nothing is in stone as yet.

Renovating
Thomas and I went to the coast for a week (with Gaye, my sister and sister in law joining us on the weekend) camping during the last part of the holidays with my parents, brother and his children. The kids rode bikes, swam, played in tents, got filthy and generally had a fabulous time and there were plenty of opportunities for the adults to engage in like activities or read a book too. Thomas went from there for another week at the coast with his Granny, which involved fishing, boating and playing quite a lot of cricket.

When I came home I dropped into the house to see how it was all going and there was basically nothing there, the walls, ceilings and outside cladding were all gone. Although in theory I knew this would be the case – I was still stunned to see the actual thing. It seemed like our moving date of the 17 March was an impossibility and our budget was probably blown!

Today however it all looks much better, the walls are rejibed, the outside cladding to go up this weekend along with the plastering and so it feels like it all might actually come together.

Lightning
Is beautiful and cute and running our life basically. If only he would take me seriously when I tell him that pooing is an outside activity!