Our Christmas Letter

Gaye has always been a big one for the Christmas letter. I have always avoided it. This year we did one together. Here is 'tis without the photos ....

Hello

We have had a really busy happy year, with lots change and more to come in the next year.

After 10 months of looking we have finally found our new home. Recognising how bad the average renovators taste is (or maybe they have the good taste?) we stopped looking for a completely renovated place and bought our own renovators delight. We are currently in the process of designing and understanding (well trying to) builders quotes, kitchen designers, distinguishing between different white tiles and the intricacy of recycled water. The house is in a great street, close to everything that is vital to our day-to-day lives and we are really looking forward to moving and having more space in late March next year.

Clare is no longer preventing violence against women, but has moved to greener and somewhat saner pastures at the University. It is a new position with lots of autonomy and so she is enjoying moulding into something good and working out the idiosyncrasies of campus bureaucracy. It seems a bit like a fiefdom at this point, with separate entrances for staff and dignitaries at the recent Vice Chancellors Christmas do!

Gaye has continued to thrive on the thrills and spills of her role and is looking forward to having this particular view of the election process in March.

Not only did Thomas continue do very well at soccer this year, scoring lots of goals complete with the essential victory lap with his shirt over his head, Clare became an honest to goodness soccer-mum taking on the very important role of team manager. We all got very involved in the Socceroos World Cup crusade, including decorating the house in green and gold streamers and waking up in the middle of the night to watch the games, dressed up in appropriate fan gear, each with a set of red and yellow cards in hand to aid our cheering and jeering.

Now that the soccer season is over Thomas has moved on to circus classes somewhat inspired by our trip to Cirque de Soleil. This event has since been surpassed by Aunty Louise taking him and his cousin to see Kylie M***’s recent Homecoming Tour. That this was his first pop-concert was somewhat mitigated by the fact that he had afternoon sleep so he would last the distance. Gaye and Clare had a taste of things to come sitting outside Homebush stadium at close to midnight to pick them up.

He has continued to enjoy XXXXXXXX School and gained his learning medal this year. For the uninitiated this means the culmination of nine red awards and three blue awards - a combination of academic achievement, effort and good citizenship. His most amusing perhaps includes an award for ‘trying to solve his problems peacefully” He is very much looking forward to being the top of the school next year in year 2.

Gaye visited Tiwi again this year and enjoyed the cultural and sporting experience – coming home with five lovely pieces of art – three of which were from the disability workshop. It was great for her to catch up with friends in Darwin and to visit some of her former haunts. She continued her obsession with a lovely painting from a Far North Queensland artist at the University of NSW Art Show where proceeds support Aboriginal health and allied health students. Thomas, who now has a keen eye for Aboriginal art, actually picked it from the collection.

Thomas and Clare started the year with a trip to Heron Island where he learned to snorkel and she learnt all about the day spa. Later in the year we all travelled across to Western Australia for a couple of weeks campervanning up the west coast. The best day started at 4 am (we were sill on Sydney time) with a dawn visit in our PJs to the spectacular Pinnacles followed by warm porridge and swimming in our undies at Hangover Bay. Western Australia really is quite beautiful and very different from our coast. We had five lovely days at Monkey Mia where Thomas got to feed the dolphins and we were able to see and survive lots of different sea creatures – even stingrays! (NB this was around the time of ‘our Steve’s” sad passing)

Gaye is really enjoying her pregnancy – she has popped out and is looking gorgeous. Thomas is full of good advice informing Gaye that she would be best not to stand on her head right now (which she is of-course known for doing) as it might come out her nose, and assuring us that ‘we will all get a bit of a break when the baby is sleeping.”

The year as always has been punctuated with visits to and from family and friends. Gaye’s nephew Lee graduated from year 12 this year, and Gaye attended the swanky event to celebrate with him and extended family. Clare’s folks have made the most of their retirement visiting regularly for school concerts, grandparent days and sausage sizzles. Gaye was very proud to become El’s godmother this year (Thomas is sure he is her god relation as a result), she even wore angel wings to the celebration lunch. We have a lovely time ahead with our annual pudding-stirring visit to Clare's family and a Boxing Day lunch with Gaye’s folks and a camping holiday planned for January.

We wish you a very Merry Christmas and a peaceful and happy 2007.

Gaye, Clare and Thomas

Christmas is coming ...

Thomas has enjoyed Christmas for the last few years, but this year you can already tell it is going to be big. (And from the amount of questioning about the big red man, the last year Santa will really be believed in). We decorated the Christmas tree on the weekend, which is always joyful and was especially so this year. He was much into the filming of Gaye's belly and talking about a baby being in there.

He came to work with me on Monday afternoon after a trip to the dentist and spent the best part of 3 hours making Christmas decorations and covering my desk in glitter. He has a Christmas ideas book and is keen to make as many things as possible in the lead up to Christmas. We already have many traditions - stirring the pudding as a family with my Mum and making shortbread in the shape of trees.

This year we are going to add to the list by taking a combination of a friends Danish tradition of an Advent bowl (where each day to Christmas is counted down with a small present or chocolate and Loobylou's idea of a family events advent calendar. So a box of cards with family activities for each day and a small choccy. They will go from very Christmassy (like make our Christmas Crackers and take a walk to look at the lights) to just family fun (like dance like crazy and have a family race up the street).

He can't wait... I can't wait!!!!

Don't stand on your head or ...

A teddy bear from KM has replaced the ultrasound photo that was going to be his ‘news’ today.

Yes, we finally told him about the baby.

I will admit I was a bit concerned about what his reaction would be but we couldn’t have hoped for better. We waited until Friday morning when he came and hopped into bed for his snuggle.

When Gaye told him she had been to the dr and got a baby in her tummy he looked a bit shocked, but she followed it up with a comment about how fat she was going to get and how she wouldn’t be able to reach her shoes. He was completely taken with that and it all got pretty hilarious with his comments about not standing on her head or the baby would come out her nose. He is completely taken with the thought of the new gender balance in our household (he includes the dog – and yes we found out but I can’t tell you as that is Thomas secret to tell not mine!) and the idea that we might swap the s*x of the puppy was suggested but was hotly counted by him.

He was very interested to see the ultrasound shots, asked questions about what the baby was eating (including a comment about the baby not feeling like avocado so it would wait in Gaye’s tummy until it wanted it) and how did it actually get the food. We looked at pregnancy books and video footage of him as a baby.

We had decided to let him come up with the terms he would use to describe his relationship with the baby and support him in that ('in my family', 'brother or sister' etc) as he is going through a bit of a definite stage so we don’t want to back him into a corner and end up fighting about something that we are pretty sure will resolve itself once the actual baby is born.

He woke up pretty grumpy with Gaye the next morning. And after circus classes he had to spend an hour with her while I went for a massage. He was not impressed. Informing me that he ‘really didn’t like to be left with Gaye that much' (all evidence to the contrary up until this point). He didn’t want to do anything she needed to do and Gaye admitted to me that she was psyching herself up for a bit of a hard hour.

As it turned out they had a lovely hour, rushing around getting treats for the upcoming visit with Ann and buying gifts for Denis her brother who had been left at home with his parents. He was completely angelic apparently and as they were walking around the shops Gaye said they would have seen about 20 pregnant women. He turned to her and said ‘ do you think your tummy is getting bigger yet?' she said ‘hmmm I don’t know darling, what do you think' he had a good look and said “Nahh” (Gaye is 20 weeks on Wednesday, her belly is definitely bigger. We have been wondering how come he has not noticed.)

Apparently, there was someone giving out tastes of some food or another and she said to Thomas. “Would you like to try while your Mummy is shopping?” His answer was ‘No thank you, she is not my Mummy but she does have a baby in her tummy'

It got better still when he and Ann came racing in while we were preparing dinner that night (with my mother, sister and father sitting at the table) and he pointed at Gaye’s belly. ‘in there’ he said. She said “sure Thomas. Aunty Clare, Thomas says he has a brother/sister in Gaye’s tummy” I said “well that is right there is a baby in Gaye’s belly”

(Turn to look at Gaye who has got all teary cause he has used those terms, followed by an overwhelming strong urge to giggle hysterically as I remember that my mother is sitting nearby. She still has not said A THING about the baby)

The next morning he showed Ann an ultrasound photo and again said ‘ see this is my broth/sis ter. (more tears from Gaye and this time me too).

So we are feeling hopeful. We are trying to be very low key about it and I am sure there will be up days and down days. And although I told his teacher this morning so she would be prepared I have told him it is his news to tell at school. Today, the baby has been put firmly in place, as KM concert and going with his cousin was definitely more important!

A big night out

Aunty Louise rang on Friday morning to say she had a plan to take my niece Ann, who lives about three hours drive away to see Kylie M. Ann is completely obsessed with KM, which is pretty funny because she is the non-girly 8 year old I have ever known. But she completely loves KM’s costumes and songs. She can tell you EVERY song on every album and every song KM has sung on every tour. She is obsessed in that way that 8 year olds get.

Thomas really really wants to be obsessed about something. But he just isn’t that type of kid. He really wants to be because lots of his friends are about particular things and he is always planning to collect particular thing or another… and I try and be as supportive as I can … but basically he just isn’t obsessive. He just wants to get to the bit where he has all the knowledge about some item or another but he isn’t actually that interested enough to maintain commitment to it. Not yet anyway. The end result is that he is sure that he really likes KM too (as much as Ann) and so Aunty Louise thought she would take them both.

My folks were coming up this weekend anyway as you might recall, as part of my cunning plan to keep them around after they heard about the baby so things didn’t have time to get uncomfortable. I had bought them tickets to E*ton J*hn. That concert is tonight. So it was organised in a flurry of phone calls to parents and grandparents that Ann should come up and stay with us for two nights and Aunty Louise for two nights and that they would both go to see KM.

Thomas has now been to see his first pop-concert. And he will have to say forever that KM was his first! His Dad is sure this is going to haunt him. I think the fact that he had an arvo sleep first might in fact be the haunting factor. He had a great time, Ann had a fabulous time and I think Aunty Louise had the best time just being with them there and being the Aunty with the mostest. Gaye and I dropped and picked them off from the venue – for not the last time I am sure. It was like a sign of things to come.

And they both had yesterday off from school with my parents visiting the Powerhouse and going on the train. (which I think Thomas was equally impressed with). He is not all that impressed that she is having another day off today while he goes to school but they are meeting up this afternoon for a swim.

They put a show on for us last night. It included Thomas dancing in his undies…

Maybe baby

Gaye had her 18-week scan yesterday and all is well. The baby is growing nicely and all the bits that should be there are. She has gone all vague and forgetful (which is odd from such an astute woman) but really it is all happy. We are having a very happy time.

We will tell Thomas this week, who fortunately seems to be coming around to the conversation about a hypothetical new baby.

This morning went like this:

“Mum, when do you undo your belly button?”
“Never darling, it just stays like that…”
“Don’t you clean it?”
“Only in the bath”
“When we have a new baby you will see it’s belly button being made, it is all red when the baby comes home from hospital.” (note we have changed from using if to when and been very low key this week)
“Will I get to see it in the tummy with a special camera”
(Quick look at Gaye) “Sure and the nurse will let you hold the microphone on the tummy and hear the babies heart beat – they go so fast”
“With one of those ear things?”
“No it is just like a microphone”
“They take a long time to grow don’t they?”
“Yes, quite a long time”

Which is much improved from last week which went like this:…

“Your new place is great you won’t have to drive anywhere” Old and good Friend
“I know, I have never liked driving, I don’t know why, I know some people like it I just don’t”
From Thomas in the back seat
“Just like I don’t like the idea of another baby in the house”
(Raised eyebrows from OGF) “The great thing about being a big brother Thomas is that you get to have the younger ones do things for you.”
“Like what?”
“Well Adelaide still has Poppy do all sorts of things for her, get her yoghurt, get her a drink. And Poppy is 13 now”
“I have got my Mum for that!”
“And they give you presents on your birthday”
“I’ll have to buy them some too. Everyone tells me I want one but I just don’t”

I found his cot blanket last week and he has slept with it on his bed last night. We agreed last night that we should take it down when we go to see Gaye's folks after Christmas so her Mum can make a new baby one too.

We hoping all this preparation will make the actual announcement later this week a bit of a non-event.

how do they get the pip out?

We are driving along in the car, on our way to something or other. Gaye is driving, I am in the passenger seat, Thomas is in the back. We are talking about where we are going and what we are looking forward to about it. Then...

"Hey Mum..."
"Yes darling?"
"You know those men, the ones who help people who don't have pips... how do they get the pip out?"
"Sorry darling?" Confused look from me to Gaye
"You know those men, the nice ones who help the ladies who don't have a Daddy to have a baby - how do they get the pip out?"
"Ohh you mean the seed, when a man donates a seed so someone can have a baby?"
"Yeah, how do they get that pip out of their pe*is"
(At this point I admit I couldn't hold it together, I got all giggly thinking of blokes and p**n in a small room at a clinic. I mean I really do try to be factual and straight forward with him about such things, but I was a bit confronted about this. I am ashamed to say that I fell on the when you grow up sword....)
"Darling it is kind of a grown up thing, the sort of thing that you learn as you grow up."
"Just tell me Mum, I don't care if it is a grown up thing, I want to know the truth"
"It is hard to explain really, you know how you just know how to do a wee? Well you will just know how to do this when you grow up"
"Does it hurt"
"Not even a bit, you just know you want to and so it comes out"
"Really, I get it. So you think about it and make it happen"
(We jumped on that boat let me tell you)
"Yes, that is it completely. When you are grown up your body will tell you how to make it happen and then you will be able to"
"Ahh right I totally get it"

There is quite alot happening

but there are a few things that stand out from the last two weeks or so.

• I got the all clear on my breast
• We bought a house - which needs renovating and so I am interviewing project managers everyday this week. it looks nothing like the houses we have been looking at and it is in a slightly different area to where we have been looking, but we both feel really happy about it.
  
• My Dad was completely gorgeous about the baby and came up to for a long promised visit to Gaye's work this week and it has been comfortable and easy
• My sibilings have left messages for Gaye saying that they are really happy for her and look forward to reprising their roles as Uncle and Aunty.
• My mum has not actually said anything negative (actually not said anything at all) about it and when she was here last week was polite with Gaye.
• Thomas woke us up last week at 5:50am and had a conversation about christainity, evolution and reincarnation. With lots of tied up elements. His funniest comment was probably ‘well he didn’t live long then’ when told JC was born at Christmas and died at Easter. Closely followed by ‘well we were all monkeys and apes before anyway’ when untangling that some people believe that ‘JC rose again” and that some people believe in reincarnation. “Does that mean that I could be a fish and swim by my brother on the shore and say – look there is my brother?”
• Thomas (although he has not been told yet about the baby) has been telling me all the reasons why a baby is a bad idea. His reasons are hilarious.

Telling my mother

For months now I have planned to tell my mother about the baby this weekend. We wanted to wait until we got past 14 weeks and it is after my mother’s birthday tomorrow. You see I know my mother is not going to be happy about the baby. Her basic objection to me being in a same sex relationship is that (apparently apart from basically thinking same sex relationships are immoral) she believes it is not a good environment for children. And she thinks it is bad for Thomas.

Not that long ago I had a good relationship with my mum, but somewhere along the way I suddenly realised that was probably because I hadn’t done anything to challenge her ideas about where and what I would be.

She isn’t a crazy Christian or a mad right-winger. She has been completely cool about meeting, hanging out with my gay and lesbian friends over the years, her and my Dad have a couple of their own who they hang out with. She is pro- land rights, has pro-migration and anti-war type views. I am pretty sure she has voted Green in the last few elections, she has walked to say ‘sorry’ to Aboriginal Australia, she is pro-choice.

When I told her about Gaye (I wrote her a letter which my Dad who is supportive gave to her) she didn’t speak to me for months. It really has taken the best part of two years for us to talk even close to normally and even now although she is perfectly polite to Gaye when she sees her, and we have stayed at her home together, she never actually asks me about Gaye when we talk on the phone or via email. And regularly there is this particular tone in her voice, which I can’t really describe, but it basically it is cold and disapproving. Not that long ago we used to talk 3 or 4 times a week. Not that long ago I felt supported and loved by her.

The onoing problem is despite feeling disappointed and angry with her, I do really love my Mum.

I tried (at my family’s urging) to be patient and understanding, to meet intolerance with tolerance. I continue to try (at Gaye’s urging) what she calls ‘lesbian desensitisation’ which basically involves mentioning Gaye and I as a family as often as possible. (Last we spoke I mentioned how the lady we are buying our house off said she was so happy to sell to such a lovely family for example).

I completely lost the plot about 10 months in and yelled at her for about an hour and half about being a mother who cared more about her ‘values’ than her feelings for me.

Things improved after that (in that she rang the house and started being pleasant to Gaye) and they have gradually got better. But I still morn the loss of my close and supportive relationship with my mum.

What I get out of our contact these days is related more to her relationship with Thomas (which I nurtured at every opportunity before and since) he loves her and she loves him in an open and joyful fashion.

I am so nervous about telling her about the baby. I haven’t told my brother or father either, as I don’t want to repeat the everyone else knowing before her scenario from last time. I am so nervous – cause although I know she won’t be I would love it if she was okay about it – and I am worried she will cut me off again and be cold and horrid.

And now my mother is coming to stay with my sister for a few days next week so there is no avoiding it any longer. It was going to be done this weekend, but now it must be and I feel sick and nervous about it.

I also feel like I want to tell her about the lump in my breast, I want her support but I can’t work out how to do both.

This will be a happy Halloween

There are big debates here on local radio about why Australian's would want to adopt the celebrations attached to Halloween. This is largely because there are many Australian's (myself included) who feel concern at the level of commercialisation.

But not about Halloween. Why? Well because as an event far predates any modern commercialisation of it, people have been celebrating days of the dead and the like for many centuries AND because the kids love it.

What is not to love? You get dressed up, you play with your friends, you get some lollies and you are out at night past bedtime. The last two years we have had Halloween Parties at home. The first party was a modest attempt. It was before Thomas started school and we had the neighbourhood kids and some friends around (about 8 in total) we had a BBQ, we got dressed up, we decorated treat bags and I delivered lollies and chocolates to my neighbours the night before to give to the kids (it is not standard practice here) and we tricked and treated in our street.

Last year Thomas had started school, but as his birthday is in February he had not had a party with school friends, so he was keen to have lots of his friends. We have a very very small house (not for long!) and so we drew the line at 12 kids. Except the night before I heard that 3 kids at school were just devastated and crying because the weren't invited, so after a quick consult with Gaye we rang around and invited those who hadn't been invited.

We ended up with 19 kids. Two of which had not very good manners (but this is not surprising as their parents just dropped them at the gate without coming in to say hello, even thou they had not met us before! We later found out that word had got around that it was a ‘lesso’ family and so no one was a bit worried about their kids – we live in that sort of area!).

It was a fun party, but much much to large for our house. Gaye cooked home made pizza at Thomas’ request. We had lots of games and we decorated our treat bags. I went around to our neighbours again the night before with bags of sweets to give out and asked if it was okay, we sent the kids around in groups of four with a known adult. The gorgeous thing last year was that our street (which is a combination of established Portuguese families, young families, a few lesbian couples and a couple of share houses) really got into it – so that when the kids went to trick and treat people were dressed up as witches and wizards. In the share house the whole household came to the door each time a group of kids came to the house. But Gaye and I were exhausted and horse by the time they all went home that night. Some of the kids behaviour was outrageous and 19 kids was just too many. But two years in a row means a tradition in the life of a seven year old.

This year in some fit of brilliance I suggested to the school p&c that we do it as a fundraiser. So tonight we have 123 children coming to the school hall for a Halloween disco. The local IGA has donated lollies, the local pub has donated sausages, the local veggie shop has donated vegies and sauce and bread, the after-school care coordinator is a theatre/drama person in his other life and has organised a smoke machine and a disco light and is organising games. The kids have made decorations for the school hall during art.

We have raised $700 for the school. See I get to feel really good while actually getting out of something!

Trying not to get ahead of myself

in more ways than one.

We have found a house and had an offer accepted, verbally. Contracts will hopefully be exchanged today. I have spent all weekend thinking about the house and hoping it will work out as it is a big change from our original plan of buying a renovated place in easy walking distance from Paddy's dad. It is completely unnrenovated and about 20 mins walk (5 mins drive) away! We will rennovate before we move in - with an aim to moving in in March before the baby comes. I have swung madly (as is my way) from thinking it is all completely possible to trying to convince myself not to get my hopes up.

I have found a lump in my breast last week - which I have tried to convince myself is nothing but it isn't going away. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I have swung madly from thinking it is nothing to thinking I am going to lose my breast and/or leave my child motherless.

The circus has come to town

Last Friday night we took Thomas to Cirq*e du Sol*il. I know it is hideously expensive but we justified it by buying the tickets through a large international charity. And so in fact, felt as if we had done a good deed! Excellent, since I have always wanted to go and see Cirq*e du Sol*il. It was of course simply amazing, the things those people do with their bodies is beyond anything I would even think of doing, let alone actually do it, and offcourse in this case they manage to do it with enormous grace too.

Gaye and I really enjoyed it. But what we also really enjoyed was taking Thomas.

It started at 8:00pm (so past bedtime), it was dark, the tent was amazing (on side issue the incredible ease of being there was a credit to fabulous organization) and Thomas could pick his own treat. He chose prin*les which spent much of the performance in his hand, frozen somewhere between his mouth and the packet while he watched with huge eyes some amazing stunt or another. Either that or he was wildly pointing something out – ‘look Muma, look at that”

Through some sort of amazing organization of my own, he started circus classes himself the next morning (soccer season is over and I thought something that was about fun and just getting better yourself would be good and he was really keen on circus – there was a whole thing about whether to do indoor soccer or not first), which are run locally by a fabulous company, which keeps it fun and safe. The next morning found him on the trapeze hanging upside down, mastering the long attempted art of hoola-hooping and attempting to juggle.

And as it turns out in the end of year performance for school the theme is circus. It is completely lovely to have our boy talking and doing circus things, it is wonderful and reassuring that in a world of computer games that something pretty simple but amazing like a circus can still capture and hold the imagination of a seven and three-quarter year old.

Have you told Clare?

Gaye has a 16 year old nephew, Lee. Lee is lovely, kind of young for his age and in someways very protected. He has been the centre of her family - the only grandchild - and a much loved and spoiled nephew.

Lee has grown up all his life 'knowing' about his aunt. She has always been in same-sex relationships since well before his birth. He chose to call her previous partner who was with Gaye from when he was young 'Aunty.' Gaye's whole family is very open about Gaye's partners (my introduction to the extended family was at Gaye's mother's 60th birthday when I was dragged out the front to be in all the family photos and mentioned in the speeches). There is no hiding or the like going on here.

Gaye has been a bit nervous about telling Lee about Olive (the baby), he is about to finish Yr 12 and she didn't want to do anything that might upset him. She was worried he might feel a bit put out of his place.

She told him tonight. She was interrupted half way through the conversation (by me and the still not-yet told Thomas) and so had to ring him back about an hour later. His first question when he got back on the phone?

"It is great Aunty G, but have you told Clare yet??"

We have chuckled all night about it ... it seems like maybe we still have quite a bit of explaining to do...

Tying shoe laces

Thomas has learnt to tie his shoes in the last two days.

He needed new sneakers (he grows out of shoes every minute it feels like) and he wanted 'skateboard ones' and they have shoelaces. And so shoelaces it was. We started lessons yesterday on his shoe, tied laces to the top of a box last night and he practiced a few times and this afternoon he did it. ALL BY HIMSELF.

I love when he learns things - he is so proud of himself tonight - but I also feel a bit sad as he grows-up - soon he won't be a little boy at all.

The thing about holidays

Is that far too quickly they end.

Thomas and I are at home today for the last pupil free day (he loves the name of them ‘what are they mum again?) of grade one. How did that happen so fast? We have had a lovely slow nothing sort of day – with only a trip to establish a bank account for Thomas (who is thrilled at the thought of interest and was most disappointed to see that there wasn’t any right away!).

Gaye went back to work today.

That sounds simple but in fact turned into a half an hour mini-crisis (with laughter only attached) as she tried to fit into clothes that really, basically, well no longer fit. It aint the belly so much as the boobs which are about 4 sizes larger than they were 14 weeks ago, but her belly did pop out a little, just yesterday, I think.

We had a fabulous holiday, Thomas started and ended each day talking, he rolled over in bed (which was a bunk slung above ours in the van) and started talked each morning, he sat up front with us in the van talking as we drove and he ate dinner, lunch and breakfast talking. He really really can talk. And most statements are followed by 'isn't that right Mum/Gaye?" which means if you aren't paying complete attention you can find yourself agreeing to any type of maddness. The only time he didn’t talk was when he slept.

He made friends in every port and caravan park, in that way children do and developed those sores on his knees and feet that can only reflect a long hot summer holiday where shorts and no shoes are worn. He also insisted on wearing no undies under whatever he had on – on the grounds it was holidays!

We saw amazing things, incredibly beautiful and spectacular, we hung out, ate porridge on the beach at sunrise (he was still on Sydney time – a point of much discussion – and what time would it be in Sydney now Mum? Do you want Sydney or WA time?), swam on a deserted beach in our undies, he got called out of the crowd to feed a dolphin (twice), we played ludo, snakes and ladders, snap, go fish and checkers, saw wild flowers, rock formations and cliffs and we were in bed each night by 8:00 each night (that is WA time). We spent the last night in complete luxury after our two weeks of camping out. It really was a lovely holiday.

Back to work tomorrow – I have already started planning my next holiday in January with my brother camping at the coast with his kids and mine.

All quiet on the Western (Australia) front

All will be a bit quiet now here in toaster land. We are heading west on Sunday for two blissful weeks without kid swaping and with lots of swimming and resting. Thomas' big requests is that we eat our breakfast together at the table with the milk in a jug (he stayed with his Granny last week) and we have promised that that will be no problem.

I have never been to WA (none of us have) but I admit that I am ignoring all indicators that it is a place with things like internet and mobile coverage and telling all and sundry that we will be OUT OF RANGE for days at a time. It is going to be JUST US, and no interruptions.

We have mapped out our trip and start at Cervantes, followed by Geraldton (which I am sorry I just can't be bothered linking too) and then will whip up to Ningaloo reef (ditto) and then make our way slowly back to Perth for our last two nights in a swanky (two bedroom) apartment.

Last night we downloaded the full details of the donor and he sounds and looks nice. (Isn't that handy) and I dreamt of young Olive (as in no bigger than an olive but making a big impact already) last night. By the time we get back it will be week 14 (YAY! YAY! YAY!)

It will also be time to tell my mother (not so YAY).

But right now it is time to go on holidays

JUST THREE MORE SLEEPS

It is in capitals for a reason! Just three more sleeps until we go on our holiday ... three more sleeps until we jump on that plane for WA.

Two more sleeps until my boy comes home from his Dad's and then I don't have to share for 27 sleeps (while his Dad jets about overseas having a honeymoon!).

Hoo-bloody-ray!

Just two more sleeps, just three more sleeps

We came third ...

The excellent thing about my new job (and it is in fact the best thing about my new job) is that I am close to Thomas’ school. Which meant that today (School Carnival Day) I was able to take an early lunch and pop down to the carnival and enter into the parent and child race. Thank the goddess – we came third. I say that not because I am really all that competitive but my child is and I did want to do a decent showing for his sake. I admit I did make sure I wasn’t in the race with Gary (Dad) and Lily (child) who are completely lovely people but I knew would beat me by a mile. I figure I am good a strategy! I also got to watch Thomas and a mate win in the pairs race (they hold hands – so cute). He already had a couple of third place ribbons when I got there.

But the best bit? Seeing Thomas walk up to a little girl who hadn’t got any ‘place’ ribbons (she did have four ‘I ran in the race’ versions) and, without prompting handover one of his third place ones with a "here you go Belle – have one of mine." Her tears stopped and I told him I was more proud of that than anything.

14 weeks of crossed fingers update: 11 weeks today and off the blood thinner after a trip to the ante-natal clinic who said it wasn’t necessary.

All sorts of magic

10 weeks on Wednesday.

Isn't that amazing. Time moves so strangely during these waiting times. 5 weeks feels a long time ago - but at the same time that magical 14 weeks is drawing so close.

Last night Thomas and I went to Quadworts - which is held here at my workplace once a year. An old sandstone University with a quadrangle it is the perfect location for an outdoor movie viewing of the latest Harry P*tter. In fact it looked very very very like Hogw*rts at 6:30pm with the lights all off and Thomas is convinced that I do in fact work at Hogw*rts - my value has just increased incredibly in my 7 year old's eyes! It was a lovely evening with about 8 other families from school. Kids dressed up as Harry and co. University students teaching them spells and how to train Hipp*griffs. It was magic and maddness and exactly why I like living in this part of Sydney.

It is just a wee bit stressful

Gaye is now 7 1/2 weeks along. Which means the little one is around 1 cm now. Last week we went to the blerky IVF clinic and had a scan which showed a then 6.6mm blob with its little heart beating.

There is only one

It's little heart was beating

It is due on 18 April

We are booked in to the birth centre for a tour in just two weeks.

Gaye is experiencing (and it has to be said celebrating) nausea and tiredness at a great rate and her body already looks different to me. It is completely beyond me how someone could possibly be pregnant and not know they are pregnant or at least notice the changes in their body.

Last night Gaye was worried she was spotting - all is well this morning- so I went out and bought two huge tombs today on pregnancy (mine are all in storage somewhere and at this rate of house buying we may never get them out) to compliment the funny and enjoyable 'up the duff' whenever she gets worried. And we do worry. It is just a little bit stressful (despite the assurance from Dr Blerk at the IVF clinic that the 6 1/2 week scan was the right size and the heartbeat was strong and this means a 95% chance (where does she get that stat I wonder?) that all will be okay from now on.

It is just another period of waiting really (a bit happier waiting but waiting none-the-less) and we all know that waiting really is stressful

Wombats, parachutes Aliens and beer

There are four words you don’t usually find in one sentence.

We spent this last weekend at my folk’s house. My folks live in Canberra, which with a 7 year old is about a 31/2-hour drive. There was much excitement on the way down in the car – which there always is on the way to Canberra because we are going to see Thomas’s cousins Ann and Denis who Thomas loves beyond compare.

This time on the trip down we saw a plane filled with jumpers doing their thing out of a plane. It looked completely amazing as about a dozen parachutes flew in the air at sunset. Thomas madly trying to capture them on his new mobile phone (it is my old one and it isn’t connected to a service!).

Once we got there my very excited parents who had found that morning a wombat in their yard greeted us. This is not a common occurrence in Australia regardless of what Steve Irwin would have you believe, and in fact none of the adults could ever recall seeing a live wombat outside an animal farm or zoo before (dead ones beside the road are common).

When Mum rang and said they had found a wombat I thought it would be small but it was huge probably half a metre long and about 40 cms wide. Thomas was put on Wombat duty and kept going outside to check on him (we were all convinced the wombat had come to die as it was very old and mangy looking) every 15 minutes. He wandered off during the night (yes Mum and Dad had rung the wildlife people they said to leave him be) sometime – no doubt in the direction of the nearby reserve, which would be quieter, and without a very excited 7-year-old boy checking on him every 15 mins.

On Saturday night Gaye and I were about to head out to dinner while Thomas was put to bed by his grandparents when a neighbour rang to say “there seems to be an alien ship above the city” which needless to say brought us all out to the front garden to have a look. After looking around aimlessly at stars for sometime we gave up – only to have Thomas point out a large object with flashing lights on the horizon. The flashing lights were on the top and bottom, blue and red in colour and binoculars did not help establish what the thing could be. We sat out there looking at it for sometime – with Gaye singing songs from War of the Worlds.

It turned out to be a blimp (or limp as Thomas told his Dad last night).

We spent Sunday morning with my Dad cooking him a Father’s Day breakfast and giving him gifts (a tea towel with all of the kids from Thomas’ school on it and a Dixie Chicks CD) before driving home to Sydney and preparing cheesecake for Thomas’ Dad and his partner to come around after work and have desert for Father’s Day. Thomas present to his Dad this year was a fabulous card that said ‘ My Dad is as tall as an elephant, faster than the speed of light, as wonderful as a fairy, faster than Ms B (his teacher), cooler than a rock star by Thomas” and some beer which we had specially labelled with "Thomas’ Dad is the soccer coach" and a picture of Thomas at soccer.

“News” on Wednesday is going to consistent of Thomas showing photos from the weekend on a powerpoint display (News is way different in 2005 than in was in 1975!) but he has asked me if I can stay cause he just doesn’t think anyone will believe his weekend!

12 things from this moment that I don't want to forget about Thomas

1. After a slow start he is really getting the hang of reading and enjoying it we are off at his request to by a ‘long’ book for him to read this afternoon.
2. He still loves to play for extended periods in the bath, with a high pitched voice playing out his characters which are largely made up of about 20 rubber turtles and dinosaurs of different sizes.
3. He still occasionally uses the term ‘elso’ his own combination word of also and else.
4. He thinks that we all live to 100 and often tells me how many years to go.
5. on the same vein that means that Gaye will die first, me second and him third
6. He told me this morning that girls only have until they are 45 until they can’t have babies so I have 8 more years.
7. We still count (and celebrate) the number of nights in a row without wetting the bed.
8. He is loving art classes after school and the ones he is having in class with last year’s teacher Miss Emma. This morning she told me she loves his art because it is expressive and vibrant..
9. He has lost or misplaced about 8 hats in the last two years at school
10. He continues to be obsessed about playing soccer but is really looking forward to his circus classes.
11. Although he can talk all day and night he is pretty cagey most of the time on the phone.
12. In a couple of months we are taking a holiday for two weeks to Western Australia. None of us have been before and we have hired a campervan to travel from Perth up the coast. He likes the idea of the dolphins and the camping but mostly he loves that he will be sitting in the front seat between us.

It is completely amazing

that after 12 attempts at this Gaye finds herself finally pregnant. I feel overwhelmed and stunned and well amazed. Mostly I just feel glad that she has got this far and kept on keeping on and that it seems it is infact possible that Thomas and I are going to be lucky enough to share this with her.

TTC update

She rang the clinic and they have sent her up the road to get a blood test so we will know tommorrow

Challenge pass the parcel

Thomas is down the snow this week... he is learning to ski. This is his second ski trip to the snow (he and I did a snow ball type trip a couple of years ago) last year he didn't really want to go into ski school (so he wasn't made to) and he wasn't that keen this year either. But we talked it up heaps and in a stroke of brillance on my part (!) changed our language about it and called it ski training (like soccer training) and yesterday on arrival he was so keen to go skiing that he got booked into an extra class. Which he moved up a grade from at the end of (he is a sporty type of kid, it doesn't get that from me!)

He sounded so happy on the phone telling me all about how to go up hills and how to stop and something about a very fast V. It was lovely. I miss him desperately when he is away, but I am trying to get past the sense of enduring it and instead enjoy it for what it is worth. It is much easier when he sounds happy and content.

It is a long drive to the snow (about 6 hours) which they broke up by stopping at a grandparents house on the way down there. So I invented a game for him. It is called challenge pass the parcel. Basically, I bought him a story CD (fabulous travel thing) and wrapped it in layers of paper and in-between each layer was a challenge. I did a word find with all sorts of snow words in one layer, unscramble words in another, snow sums in another. Apparently he loved it. I can tell I will be making a bulk kit before we go on our campervan holiday in October.

There is another one waiting for his trip home on Sunday....

Two and half week wait???

Today is the day Gaye was meant to have her blood test. ‘Cept yesterday morning she decided she had her period. She had like one spot of blood and decided it had come (if often starts like that and then comes in full force the next day). She had bought a pregnancy test the day before (even thou the clinic had said that you could get false + ) and decided that if the test was negative she wouldn’t bother going to the clinic.

So this morning she did the test – it was negative for during the required timeframe but then when we walked back out from the bedroom half an hour later that pesky second line was actually there.

But by that time it was too late to go to the clinic before work and we are going away for the weekend and her period still isn’t here. Between IVF and IUI this is Gaye’s 12th go at this whole conceiving thing and I understand her process.

But … now she has managed to extend our two-week wait by three days!

And then there were 4

Two were transferred into Gaye today at lunch time.

One is in the freezer and one might just make it to get frozen tommorrow.

And there it is ....

keep growing now

This morning the news is good.

Gaye's bleed seems to be settling down all by itself and although she is a bit sore she is in good spirits and slept well through the night.

All 11 little embryos are growing, with 6 looking really good. We are taking them to blastocyst so have to wait until Monday to know for sure.

We go to the doctor again today around 12 who will advise us on if we should go ahead with this cycle or freeze those that get to blastocyst.

16, 14, a trip to the hospital and 11

By late yesterday we had heard that 14 had been deemed okay for insemination.

I went and told Gaye as she lay in the bath with pretty rough post-op cramps and pain in her belly. We spent the afternoon watching Brokeback Mountain and the day went on, the pain got worse and at 7:00pm I rang the clinic to get some advice. They said she should keep doing what we were doing (heat packs, Panadol, fluids) but if the pain got unbearable we should go to the hospital.

I made her eat one of Thomas' glucosey iceblocks, and she tried to watch another dvd. The pain continued to get worse and worse and 10pm found us driving down the highway to the not-so near hospital (because we had done the procedure next door and that is what the clinic told us to do) with Gaye crying and moaning in pain.

We negotiated the thing that is the NSW Health System and we spent most of the night in an emergency with her on morphine and them trying to work out if she would need surgery to repair a tear that had obviously occurred during the retrieval. It was awful to see her in such pain.

This morning it all seems to be improving - we found out that 11 little eggs have taken to being inseminated. Yay! And it seems like Gaye’s tear will repair itself. She is still in reasonable amount of pain but at home now.

We will find out tomorrow if we should continue with the cycle or freeze the little ones, but hopefully her system should be OK and the wee ones (we call them the kids in boarding school) will hopefully grow into lovely blastocysts to implant on Monday or freeze for next month.

Eggs collection

16 eggs! Two more than predicted on the scan. Gaye is dozing in the next room on the lounge post general. Wish those little eggs well on the next part of their journey.

Wednesday, D-Day, The Day (well the one before all the other Days to come!)

That is tomorrow, that is the day, the day those eggs (there is 8 on one side and 6 on the other) come out to meet their donor sperm from some nice software engineer from another place in the world. We go in to the hospital at 7:30 in the morning, we will be home in the afternoon and by tomorrow night we will know if these little eggs will live to be inseminated successfully. (Gaye’s eggs haven’t got that that far before).

It has all come on much earlier than expected and Gaye has had to ‘fess up at work to get the day off as she was meant to be flying interstate with her boss for a meeting tonight and staying all day tomorrow. So now most people in our lives know (which is completely against plan A of keeping it to ourselves but there you go).

I don’t know how to be (scared, excited, hopeful, worried) so I am trying to be calm and supportive and sensible!

is that a big tooth or a little one

Our lovely boy is just one of those kids. One of those kids who have accidents. He is INTO things and brave with his body so accidents seem to 'just happen' He had a fall when he was very small and at childcare and ended up having two general's to deal with the sewing of the wound up and has a scar on the bridge of his nose still. I am a bit of stickler for wearing helmets and the like when on bikes and scooters. I like shoes on feet when you playing with these items also! But really it doesn't matter that much how careful you are - there is always the teeth to get damaged!

Last year there was a horrible incident at school where a soccer was being played and Thomas had his school hat on which has a string that goes under your chin (it is an Australian thing the hat with the string I think) and was sucking it and another child pulled on the string while they were in the game and one of Thomas' teeth was pulled out. It wasn't loose (ouch!) but it was a baby one. Yesterday I got a call from my Mum to say he had been on the three wheeled scooter that I left at their place and he had fallen off. This time he has chipped a front tooth and it is a big one! A grown up one - one that will be there for the rest of his life (with any luck!).

Gawd! He is only 7 and he already has a chipped tooth.

in sickness and in health

Thomas has headed off on a two-sleep stay away with his Dad at his Grandfather’s. He does this once or twice a year. His Dad’s family lives in the same city as mine and while he is down there, plays with his cousins (my niece and nephew) who he loves loves loves are always in the plan.

He was excited this morning to be heading off. And although I always feel weird that he is 3 hours drive away from me – it is easy to get carried along with his excitement. Thou I miss him terribly when he is away – I know he has fun and that it is great that he has lots of people in his life who love him and who are part of his life and who he is.

He loves the ritual off it as he does with all of his Grandparents – he has spent lots of time with them all as he has grown up and has clear expectations of events ‘xx will have chocolate icecream in the fridge’ ‘we will collect shells with yy’ ‘zz and I will go out on the boat and fish’ ‘we will walk the dog” etc etc. These are things he can count on.

I realised this week how much we have talked about and framed his life in ritual – including telling him how many ‘sleeps’ he will be somewhere or one of us will.

Gaye has been a regular traveller in his life going away for work or last year on a holiday with her mum and nephew.

He was really upset when we took her to the airport on Sunday to fly down to see her Dad. Some of this was due to the fact that he had been expecting to go away too, some of it was because she was obviously worried about her Dad – he is old and aware enough to know that sickness can be scary or sad or worrying – but mostly it seemed to me he was upset because we couldn’t tell him exactly how many sleeps she would be away for.

When we woke on Sunday morning the phone rang and I asked him to bring it straight to us – I explained that Gaye’s dad was sick with a heart problem ‘a bit like Grandpa had’, he lay his head down on my chest and said ‘oh no, will he be alright? Will he die?’ I said that it seemed like it would be okay and that he might have to have an operation like Grandpa. And we went over what had happened with Grandpa and how his ‘heart was broken but the drs fixed it’ and that “Grandpa is as young as a teenager now, but he gets a bit tired’

I told him that when someone’s dad was sick it was nice to tell the person that you were sorry that they were sick.

A bit later when I was having a shower he lay on the bed with Gaye and told her he was ‘very sorry her dad was sick and not to worry because they would give him the heart operation and then he could have a another one if that didn’t work and then he could have the cancer operation’

He was cheery enough when Gaye got out of the car, but got very teary after she left (fortunately she saw us sitting in the car and talking and came back and had another cuddle with him and they both had a little cry together which offcourse meant I got teary too) and later he talked to me about how he didn’t like her being away.

I reminded him that he was going away this week to Canberra and so would be away for two sleeps himself and that Gaye would be back by the weekend or we would go down to see her – but he assured me this was completely different!

Later we picked up her 16 year old nephew (Lee) from the plane and brought him home for dinner before putting him on another plane and I was really touched with how he tried to comfort Lee – telling him that his grandfather had had the operation and was now really good but a bit tired and putting on a funny dvd to make him happy.

Over the weekend we have had lots of conversations about Gaye’s Dad – he has drawn him a picture of a golf course with him getting a good shot on it – and when he will get better and the like. I have been able to tell him exactly when she will get home and assure him we will visit her Dad soon. It has been more than interesting and pretty heart-warming to see him process it all.

timing

It is so weird timing of things. Gaye started on the lucrin last week and was booked in for Monday to have the scan and blood test.

We were meant to spend the weekend with her folks who live in Victoria and take them, her visiting nephew and Thomas to Philip Island to see the penguins come out of the water at sunset.

Gaye had the week of work to get started on finishing her Masters and spend some of the school holidays with Thomas.

Late last week Gaye caught some bug and couldn't be very far from the loo so a flight was out of the question. We put off our trip by a week and planned to meet her nephew as he flew north back to his folks and bring him home for dinner between flights.

On Saturday night Gaye's mum rang and said her Dad had a heart attack and after flustering around and ringing clinics and worrying about her Dad in the end Gaye flew to Melbourne on Sunday, she is having her scan there and will be back on Friday to start the next phase of drugs. Her Dad had surgery yesterday and had one of those shunt thingos put in and seems to be in amazingly good form and going home tomorrow.

In the middle of this we had brunch with my gorgeous sister Lou, who turned 35 this weekend and whose partner broke up with her ‘6 weeks and 6 days’ before hand.

All of this has made me think of timing and how little control we have over things really.

If we had gone down as planned this weekend – would we have spotted her Dad’s illness earlier (he has been hiding his pain) and made him get help or would we have been half way to Philip Island and things made much worse by a long trip to the hospital. Understandably Gaye was upset and worried about her Dad. And said a number of times that she wasn’t ready yet to lose him.

My sister has been waiting for her fella to be ‘ready’ to settle and have kids, she loves him dearly and wanted to give him time – but had definitely set a timeframe in her head a number of years ago (when previously single) that if she was single/childless at 35 she was just going to try and do it on her own. She thought/hoped that they were working towards that aim and instead finds herself at 35 single and heartbroken (but I must say also strong, amazing and resilient).

Gaye and I have “waited” for all sorts of reasons before “trying” for a baby together. And now we are trying and we are in a good place together to do that, but it occurs to me that this is indeed our future – young child/ren who need us close by and parents who are ageing and also need us to support and care for them.

One of the ‘timing’ issues we talk about is my mother. Coming out to my mother was undertaken at the ‘right time’ (turned out not to be so right but there you go), putting pressure on her to accept our relationship was undertaken after ‘time’ for her to get used to things. And we have talked about if if if we are lucky enough for Gaye to have a baby when we would tell her (early give her lots of time? Later give her little time?). But I think this weekend I have realised that no time is going to be the right time for her.

I talked to my folks about Gaye’s Dad – and my Dad was gorgeous and concerned for her. But my mother continued down her path of resistance or denial or whatever it is and ‘hmmed’ and ‘how awfuled’ on the phone and then moved the conversation on. Today she has sent me an email asking about cooking tips – without even asking how Gaye’s Dad is and I am outraged but also a bit defeated.

No amount of time I think will make much difference to her – and I think I am just like her – cause I do wonder how much time it will take to make a difference to the disappointment I feel in her. Sometimes I miss her so much.

Really there is no right time perhaps, but it is weird - timing.

whipped

I have blogged often before about Thomas having a competitive nature - wanting to win at soccer and just about everything else. He has really started to learn in the last few months about losing in a graceful manner - of having fun with the game or competition and accepting the outcome and if the situation calls for it learning from it.

One of the ways we have been working on this is by playing lots of board and card games with him. Sometimes he wins/sometimes we win. To start with there would be tears and calls of unfairness whenever he lost but he has learnt to take it on board pretty much now and simply calls for a re-match. He does however continue to revel in his wins.

This week he played a bit of Monopoly with my folks. My folks were here to care for him during the school holidays for a day at my request. This was definitely part of my action plan of being as 'normal' as possible with my Mum and apart from the fact that it is all a bit strained it did go pretty well this weekend.

We only bought Monopoly (for some reason Thomas calls it Monocoly) about a month ago (I was trying to escape the endless games of Uno!). It is a good game (aside from the whole capitalist thing I guess!) it has counting and money and there is a lot to read - cards and squares.

To start with, ofcourse, we took it pretty easy on him - giving him extra chances and not enforcing all the rules. But over the month, Thomas has got really really good at Monopoly. He will play with whoever comes over or is willing and for hours if given the opportunity. (I would worry about the whole capitalist thing except it was just the same with Uno!) He often plays with my sister Aunty Lou - who is a very regular visitor to our home and a constant in Thomas' life.

Anyway, one day when Lou and I were playing with him we were telling him about how we used to play as kids as how our Dad used to 'whip the pants off us' all the time and how we would cry - as soon as he got a hotel on Mayfair it was all over. Thomas was thrilled at this story - he loves to hear about when we were unreasonable or naughty as children. He kept on talking about how the next time Papa came he was going to play him too.

Papa came up last month - but there wasn't much time for a game. But this weekend both my parents were here and he played them individually and together. He was completely thrilled to 'whip' Papa and has been declaring himself the best player in the family. My folks admitted in the first round they had 'given' him a real go - however from then on they played their best and he still beat them. (Apparently he was down to $1 and all mortgaged up at one point in the game but completely held is cool). He was beating his Dad fair and square when I met them for lunch yesterday too - so perhaps his strategies are pretty comprehensive.

Some of my lovely memories are playing board games and card games with my family. On camping trips and at home on winter weekends. As an adult I can see why - the whole family stops to play a game, which in itself is fun, and plays together.

And I find myself here at work - looking forward to tonight’s after dinner game myself!

And here we are

With a jab this morning - Gaye got us - back on the TTC pathway. (cross your fingers for us)

With an offer this morning - we are back on the buying a better place to live highway (cross your toes for us)

With a walk through Uni this morning - Gaye popped herself back on the road to finishing her masters.

With a smile and joke this morning we left young Thomas with my parents for the day, after a weekend vist with lots of beautifully cooked food and not tooo strained conversation - hopefully on the way to better and accepting parental relationships (that said she don't know about item 1 and is completely freaked out by item 2 so things may all come tumbling down).

But here we are Gaye and me - here we are...

i am a bit weary

but it is all my own fault. We got our season three L Word which arrived in the post last night and despite having stayed up until 3am on Tuesday morning to watch the socceroos almost get there with the soccer mad Thomas we stayed up until 2am watching.

For this I pay - I have a roaring sore throat today and all I can think of is getting home to snug up and watch the rest of the series.

Suddenly we are on the way ...

Suddenly it feels like we are on the way to having another baby in our family.

Appointments with doctors and counsellors are over pretty much, we are up to the day 21 blood test and drugs starting on Friday.

I am trying, in fact I think we both are, trying to be hopeful but cautious thou we seem to be having reasonably regular conversations that go like this...

"XXXX is a nice name don't you think?"

"Yes, that is lovely"

So far we have kept this pretty much to ourselves (I think we have both talked about it to our two oldest friends each basically and then we have only provided them with pretty sketchy details). We have both lived this before under the spotlight of family and friends and suffered the consequences of 'support' that actually just ends up feeling like pressure and 'comfort' that ends up feeling rather cold. I know now and I knew then that those who love me only had my heart in mind when they commented and questioned and those who were just curious were probably well meaning as well, but I have been glad to keep this basically between us. I found it such a stress to feel 'watched' before.

But, as the date of the new beginning moves closer, I found myself at dinner last night, talking about it with an old friend who I see only sometimes (because life gets away from us both) and I found myself feeling unable to stop smiling as I talked about it. The hoping came upon me suddenly, as she exclaimed 'how exciting you always wanted this' and the pragmatic Clare slipped away somewhere. No doubt she will return, but today I am enjoying being suddenly and quietly hopeful.

Just be ...

I have been doing a bit of work on myself lately, as in with a counsellor type of work. I often feel a low level of anxiety and sometimes feel a pretty high level of anxiety. During the last year or so I have experienced intense and overwhelming anxiety attacks. So help seemed warranted.Everyone said that anxiety could be managed really easily with the right sort of help.

Yesterday, we were focussing on me 'just being', no long winded explanations for my thinking or doing, no trying to keep the balance, no trying to keep everyone happy, just being. Cause the theory (as I understand it!) is that just who I am is enough.

Goood god, it is hard to just be. Usually i would tell Gaye everything that happened at the session and how I felt about it and ask her opinion. But last night I tried to just be. I am not very good at it!

go on cross the floor

I have been listening as I work today to the 'debate' in our Federal Parliament about the Civil Unions legisation in Canberra.

As I write this they are voting... and I feel teary.

I feel teary not because I want myself that much to get married. My relationship is strong and needs no outside approval or endorsement. But because I think I should have the right to. Because it would restore some of my faith in some of the ideals that I want this country to have...justice, equity, tolerance.

I so want one of those right-wingers to stand up and walk across the floor.

Interviewed

Shelli has asked us some questions and Gaye and I are so excited to be interviewed for the first time on the blog so we are answering them together. By the way - Shelli and Narda we think your girl is completely gorgeous!

1) Besides tea, what other things would be nice to “magically appear” for you?

Apart from another baby...and a perfect home at a reasonable price? Hmmm - we could go big picture and wish for a true social justice and equity in this country - we seem to be moving further and further away from a 'fair go' in Australia. Or perhaps something more realistic - a gorgeous day filled with good friends and great food!

I could mention the thing we both are wishing would magically disappear which is about 5 kilos (Gaye) and 10 kilos (Clare) - back to WW we go! (Perhaps we should enter into a cyber pact Shelli? )

2) What is the best and worst thing about being a soccer "mum?"

I will answer this one (Clare), as this is completely my gig! The best thing is getting to know Thomas' friends and see him enjoy something. He loves it and I like being part of it with him. I love that he is growing and getting his own interests and passions. It is completely funny watching them play. The worst thing is when people take it over seriously and how adults completely loose the ability to do things (like remember where they are meant to be and when) when they have another adult (ie me) who does remember.

3) Now that KD has said he can no longer go through with it, what is your next step - will you go with a new KD, or with frozen?

Gaye said ‘well we are going with frozen’ and I said you would probably want more detail … we had to move to another clinic because the one we were with wont use unknown. We had to wait about a month to get in there – that was two weeks ago. We went for the appointment and apart from the fact that the Dr was completely annoying the really shitty thing was that she went through the whole thing of asking us four hundred questions (including my history for some reason I don’t understand) at the very end she said – very nice but we don’t have any sperm for single women or lesbians and are not sure when we will. Basically, don’t call us we will call you. We walked out of the appointment $250.00 out of pocket and with low spirits.

The next morning I did a bit of a ring around other clinics in the (not so) local area asking the ridiculous question of ‘hello, do you have any sperm for single women/lesbians?’ I found one that did and so we have an appointment there next week…

So we wait again.

Fingers crossed….

4) Would you care to talk more about the pink elephant - aka - the tumour and the meds?

I am going to answer this one too (Gaye would probably have a different answer!)

Well, it isn’t all that exciting or interesting really – in fact it is dead boring. I have a pituitary adenoma, which makes my poor body think it is permanently in a state of PMT.
I have been through all sorts of drugs and treatments and times in my life where I haven’t taken anything... up until recently it was always a decision about what would make me feel worse side effects of the drugs or the tumour itself. It impacts on my fertility but makes me a fabulous breast feeder!

It has been pretty devastating for me at times – the fertility issues and the acceptance of a condition that needs to be managed. I have had a pretty conflicted relationship with my body and my inability to manage this without ongoing medication has felt like a failure.

About three months ago (after falling to pieces yet again) I went on a new drug, which seems to have much less side effects and am hopeful it will prove a long term solution.


5) Describe your fantasy wedding with Gaye.

I can honestly say that Gaye and I have never had a detailed conversation about this. Marriage is not a legal possibility in Australia (and won’t be anytime soon) for gals like us. It feels a long long away.

So you have prompted this…

We would like a celebration with our family and friends where we can declare our love and intention to be with each other always. For us it would be lovely to have the blessing of family and friends and the public and legal acknowledgement of our relationship. We would like that for us and for Thomas.

Knowing us it would involve good food, good red wine at a place that was comfortable and inviting for the people we love. For Thomas there would be cake, streamers, balloons and dancing. The attention would be on us for a short while, followed by an evening or afternoon of enjoyment for everyone

If you want to play too, leave me a comment saying "interview me." The first five commenters will be the participants.

* I will respond by asking you five questions.
* You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
* You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
* When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

whose news?

Thomas is off school today - with a sore throat and an almost lost voice. The school rang yesterday and I went and picked him up between meetings (indeed I am a mother who dropped her not 100% well child at school because I had a meeting) and brought him back to work with me for the afternoon.

Thomas loves coming into work, the chocolate chip biscuits, the computer and mainly the sitting with the hole puncher and some glue and some shiney bits and making bits of art for my work walls. Gaye scored one yesterday for her office too. At my previous job we were just down the road from Gaye, and we could see her building from my window. Thomas would wave at her and email and tell her he was waving.

But today he is off school for the whole day. And Wednesday is my regular day in his classroom. Wednesday is also Thomas' news day... a much thought about and discussed event each week. We often count the number of sleeps until Wednesday.

So, I know I am truely loved, because when I spoke to him just a few minutes ago he said "Hey Mum if you go into school this morning , you can do my news if you like"

raining

It is raining here, raining and raining and raining. Not over the catchment mind (why did they put that catchment there anyway?) but it is so gorgeous to have rain. To have it constant and plentiful, to have it soaking in the dry earth, it feels like winter, it feels clean. It is lovely.

It is also raining comments on civil unions and GLBT families. I am choosing - and this takes an INCREDIBLE amount of active thinking - to believe that it is a good thing that at least these things are being discussed and there does seem to be some reasonable conversations going on, in amongst the madness.

In the last couple of weeks there has been a ridiculous argument here about the use of a series of books written by a girl and her lesbian mum in a day care centre. And although the local tabloid went ape the local mayor stood firm, and the state Education Minister didn't entirely buckle. (She would be completely mad too - she lives in the area where the day care centre is). In fact, our kids go to the same, very inclusive school.

Today the civil unions for same sex couples legislation that has been passed in Canberra is going to Cabinet for discussion. And although there was complete hysteria at the thought of gay marriage, there seems some reasonable chance this will get through. And, call me Pollyanna; the right wing proposed private members bill and HEROC inquiry into discrimination against those in same sex relationships gives me heart.

Still, it is beyond me completely, when I see my boy and my gal snugged up on the lounge watching Star Trek (okay that is another story!) or Uno or him doing a painting for her or waiting up in bed for her to get home from work, how anybody could be even remotely concerned that our family is some sort of problem or threat to anything.

the tea lady

My dad sometimes talks about when he first started work and how things were different. No computers, calling each other by title and last name and standard hours. The thing that most appeals to me is the idea of the tea lady. I know, I know, I am a lazy shit and I should just get off my bum and make my own cup of tea (especially in these days of bebing basically chained to a computer/desk) but god I love a cup of tea that someone else makes me. I really do - they taste better.

My lovely friend Jude seperated from her long term partner about 18 months ago and she says the thing she misses most is that cup of tea that turned up beside the bed in the morning or next to her while she studied. She has taken to buying herself a pre-mixed gin and tonic in a can because when she pours it it feels like someone else has made it for her.

I would love someone to make a cup of tea for me right now. I do enjoy a cup of tea I have made myself, I like the ritual. But I really really love the love and care and thought that goes into a cup of tea that just arrives, I really really do.

Developmental fairy

The developmental fairy has been to our place. The small demon of a few weeks ago has left my angel and he is back to his usual charming self. (Well almost, he is 7!) When I went to school yesterday for reading, he ran up to me and said 'yay mummy is here' and gave me a big snug and dragged me off to look at the chicken eggs they are hatching in the classroom.

He is talking alot about our new house and the things that we will do and get once we get the new house especially the things that the 'talking is over' (ie the decision has been made). This, very gorgeous, phase comes from me saying 'hmm we will have to talk about/talk with Gaye about that' when he asks for something that would impact on our lives. He often reaffirms it 'the talking is all over about that isn't it Mum?' and then goes on to talk about said event/activity or purchase.

On Friday he gets his first learning medal at school (a learning medal is achieved after 3 blue certificates, each blue is collected after three red certificates and a red certificate can be for being a good friend, trying hard or academic performance.) Thomas' final red was for 'regular participation in classroom discussion' - a kind way of saying he ALWAYS has something to say! He is thrilled about his learning medal.

ahh I sent them to the wrong field!

I did, can you believe it. I sent the soccer team and their parents to the wrong field for the game at the wrong time!

Gaye says 'that will teach 'em to show a bit of love an care for the manager' but gawd do I feel silly.

We weren't there can I say - we were at Thomas' much loved cousin's birthday (well actually Thomas was, gaye and I were at the movies!).

Hmmm - never mind!

soccer mum

I find myself in the position of being a soccer mum. This surprises me somewhat as I am not even a little bit competitive (I have checked this assumption I have about myself out with Gaye who agrees with me) and not at all sporty. I don't play sport, watch sport or even talk about sport. Never is not really true I guess, now and then I watch a bit of the swimming at the Olympics and when Perkins won that last one and Cathy won at the 2000 Olympics I cried. But basically none, nada not that interested.

Thomas is sporty, he was born sporty. He has uncles on both sides that are the sorts of blokes who are good at any sporting activity they take up. He has an aunt who is a bit of a yoga nut. He luckily has Gaye who grew up around football and golf and has a good understanding of sporting terminology, thank the goddess, and has been able to explain at least what is happening when we see some sport or another. Which we do, now. Now that I have a sporty child.

Thomas took up soccer last year, he loves it and he is pretty good at it. He is tall for his age and pretty coordinated. Along with taking him to games and practice, last year we took him to watch the national and local games. I decided I don't mind soccer. One of my dearest friends is a soccer crazy and he has been trying to convince me I should let Thomas stay up and watch the live socceroo world cup games at 2:00am (hmmm).

This year I thought I would/should try and be more involved in soccer. The soccer crazy parent and his partner are my parenting gurus (I love the way they parent and their now teenage daughters are completely fabulous, normal, wonderful girls) and they have always taken a big part in their interests. My parents did this too. I want Thomas to grow up knowing I am interested in his stuff and I want to understand it!

So I took on managing the team – this largely involves making a roster of shirt washes and orange bringers and making sure they all know where and when the game is on each week and then at the game looking after the sub-ing on and off of kids.

Mainly this is a pleasure. I am enjoying being part of the team, getting to know the other kids (who also go to school with Thomas) and their parents.
Last weekend it made me cry! There is one parent on the team who, every week, makes a huge fuss over the amount of subs. She is way competitive and admittedly her child is very very good at soccer (I think his Dad almost played for Italy or some such thing). I felt completely criticised and I am trying so hard to make it fair on all the kids.

The club rules are that every child pays the same so should play the same time. This is what we like about the club. They want all the kids to have a fair turn. They aren’t that fussed about winning they just want them to have fun.

But this parent talks about ‘kids who aren’t committed’ (can I just remind you we are talking about UNDER 7 soccer here) and don’t concentrate on the game. I mean sure there is a fair amount of handstands and cartwheels, a kid from time to time who is perfecting his underarm fart technique and every now and then someone forgets and runs in the wrong direction. I think this is all pretty fabulous, and funny and what it is about.

She made me feel like I should be pushing the kids more or something, like if they aren’t thinking competitively they won’t strive for their best. Maybe I am just a complete softy, lefty or Emilin Crunchy but I am more interested in the kids learning that sport is fun, how to be a member of a team and win and lose with grace rather than winning is the thing and that sport should be taken seriously.

Once she had upset me she did come and apologise. And quite a few of the other parents have gone out of their way this week to touch base with me. But she has been odd with me all week at school and one of the other parents rang and asked if I thought they should take their (handstand regular) daughter off the team. This made me so bloody cross. Gaye has been rolling her eyes at me all week and saying “it isn’t about you Clare it is about her” and “Clare this is UNDER 7 soccer!” And I know she is right.

Mostly I just want Saturday mornings to be fun. I want no drama and the opportunity to yell ‘go go go’ and ‘nice try’ at the top of my voice (honestly sport can be quite exciting!)

What is a family

June 1 has been declared Blogging for LGBT Family Day...Well why not I guess there is a day for almost everything.

We have been having lots and lots of discussions in our household about 'what is a family' and 'who is in our family?'. They are studying families at school (in a very nice and inclusive way - all sorts of combinations at our school), and I am finding it endearing that Thomas in his usual fact hunting way is keen to know what and who really is family. It is interesting to me that he is keen on them (the family) having names: ie - son, brother, parent, step parent, daughter. A few years ago he would have said that anyone in his parent group must be family (I think the definition then ways someone he loved) and my parents dog got a mention too.

I must say I agree with him the definitions can be complex ( the whole friends who are family thing) but as my dear friend Lisa would say it is the complexities that make us interesting!

not tired - deafeated

I have been feeling a bit tired lately ... at least that is how I have explained it to myself, new job, house hunting and an ongoing maybe baby discussion seemed like reason enough.

But I have realised today that it is not that I am tired - I am feeling a bit defeated. I am not one to complain usually about the rigors of child rearing - I basically love this part of my life but I do not know what to do about this child of mine and I feel like a completely crappy parent. The last time I felt like this was when he was 4 (that was a completely challenging year). Since then, although I have had hard times myself, most of the time I have felt like I do a pretty good job as a parent. Not perfect but much better than bad. We have had a good and close relationship he and I, and we had a completely lovely holiday - just the two of us - early this year in which we talked and talked and hung out and spent time together in an easy and companionable way. Right now, the idea of a holiday with him ... well I just wouldn't take it up as an option.

I have no solutions. I seem unable to get through to Thomas while he goes through this difficult stage of arguing, complaining and negotiating every event and item in his life. I regularly find myself saying things like 'because I said so' and 'if it isn't positive Thomas don't say it' usually in a “very loud voice.” Our 'little talks' seems to have no impact. Providing more structure doesn't seem to make much difference, spending more time with him and/or organising more time for him to be with his friends all seem to make little difference. Coming down on him has not helped things, jollying him out of it doesn't work, talking things through just makes me more frustrated.

I know he has a lot of change in his life this year and last. But it seems to me these changes have been handled in a very child friendly way in the most part. He is clear and confident that he is the centre of the world for us.

I am completely defeated

why is he being this way

is it just a seven year old boy thing or have I been such a crappy parent that I have turned him into a whingeing, whining, complaining monster?

He is driving me slightly crazy - we have had so many 'little talks' about being a good sport at soccer, finding his manners in his day to day life and not complaining about the order of events for the day or the food that is put in front of him at dinner.

I can't tell you how much I hope it is a seven year old thing! He has taken to heading to his bedroom and 'crying' at the top of his voice with statements like "I can't believe she (that would be me) doesn't care about me crying!"

I found myself this morning, driving along in the car with him saying "Thomas, nothing good to say - then don't say it!" (Swell, I am now officially my mother and a person who squashes any bad feelings he has!)

the problem of being involved ...

At the end of last year I sat in Thomas’ first end of year school performance and listened while the chair of the parent committee talked about how fabulous she had found it to be involved in the school.

I am an ex-primary schoolteacher so I do know of the importance of parent involvement for children and how it impacts on their learning and enjoyment of school. And I had been very diligent about coming to school events and regularly came to the classroom and assembly, but it was my first year back to full time work, Gaye had come back from living in Darwin, my mother was feral – I had enough on my plate I thought.

The school is lovely – its is an infants school so the kids are all in kinder, grade one or two; it is small and very friendly. And suddenly I thought that I was letting these things go by and we only have two more years left at this school so I better get involved.

So I did. I joined the parent committee, started writing grants and the like for them. I negotiated changed working hours with both my current and former employer so I can spend two hours on a Wednesday morning at the school in the classroom. And I took on manager of the soccer team (which is now basically kids from the school). I got involved.

Overwhelmingly this has been a good experience. My connections with the school, teachers and the parents have become stronger (this came in all sorts of handy over this latest school holidays when I had no leave to speak of) and generally more enjoyable. I feel much more part of the school community. When Thomas is having a bad time I feel more able to reach out and ask questions. I know much more about his good days.

I am really enjoying knowing the children in his class and soccer team better, that they all know my name and that I know more than theirs about them. I know more about Thomas now too – seeing him in a different context has been enlightening and interesting and he loves loves loves me coming. Often asking ‘how many sleeps until Wednesday?’

These are all the positives, but last night was not. Last night was the parent committee… and there is one person on our committee who is ALWAYS negative, who ALWAYS disagrees with everyone else but who NEVER volunteers to do ANYTHING.

And before you get the idea that she might be a stand-alone voice in the crowd – her key complaint is always about he minutes. We currently have 6 or 7 sets of minutes unapproved because she wants to make more and more amendments. About a parent committee meeting! About tea-towel fundraising drives and weekend BBQ rosters!

This drives me insane. Gaye has said I am going to have to not go if it drives me so crazy. The meetings are always long (like 3 hours) because of her complaints.

But I refuse to be driven away.

Last night the feminist collective type in me completely rolled over and called for a vote so we could MOVE on.

I did organise for Gaye to pick me up at 8:30 so I wouldn’t have to sit through the complaining once I had the information I needed for my grant application. I rang another parent afterwards to debrief and found they had all gone to the pub. A bloody good idea

Today I have come into work early so I can finish writing the grant and remind myself why I got involved!

they are at home eating icecream!

and I am at work. School holidays are great, Thomas loves days and days at home with the odd trip out to see a friend or a movie or somesort of excursion. But mostly he likes to be home... and we like to be with him.

Because I have just started a new job and because we have a big holiday planned in October I haven't been able to take much time off this holidays. Luckily there was Easter and Anzac Day and I am taking one day off next week, but basically I have worked my way through these holidays and Gaye has taken up my share of the holiday 'load'

Today they are at home eating cupcakes and icecream, wearing pjs, playing uno and watching tv... i can't tell you how much I wish I was there too.

they don't come easy

Last night Gaye and I went to talk to our known donors (KD). We have known this couple for sometime, they are particularly good and old friends of Gaye's. We like 'em, a lot.

About 10 months ago Gaye was discussing with them the idea of a KD and how we thought that perhaps that was what we wanted to do together now, but we just weren't sure whom and did they have any ideas. I wasn't there, but I know that Gaye had this conversation without them mind (they afterall had gone through the whole IVF thing themselves and were now 7 months pregnant.) It was a general discussion about the process.

They being the sort of people they are rang her about 10 minutes after she left and said 'we'll do it, we really want to, we needed help, why wouldn't we help you?'

Gaye came home (eyes a bit red from tears) and we talked about it. I have good friends who donated to a lesbian couple more than 18 years ago, their children have all grown up together in what I can only describe as a extended family type situation. The parents are the parents but all the adults are connected and engaged with the children that aren't theirs in a aunty/uncle type way. All the kids have known about it forever. I have been really influenced by this - watching and knowing this for the last 12 years or so. It has been a good and joyful thing.

These babies's they just don't come easy to Gaye and I. She has had years of "trying" (unknown donor, ivf, girlfriends eggs the whole gig), and I "tried" for more than 4 years of heartache and struggle before Thomas finally decided to come along (irregular eggs and sperm it turned out!).

They just don't come easy to us...but, gawd, do we want them, both of us.

So we started down the road, using this donor meant ivf, and ivf meant tests and counselling and waiting for six months to make sure that the sperm was ok.

This week the six months of waiting was up and the KD has decided he just can't do it. He has a beautiful baby now and he says he 'just knows' that he would feel connected to a baby in a way that wouldn't be ok, that he would find it so hard to walk away and leave us to it. I love that about him. I love that he knows that about himself. He feels torn and worried about us, about Gaye. He likes the concept of donating, but he just can't do it. He didn't know it before his daughter was born, but he does now. I admired the strength and honesty he showed when he told us.

We knew, a phone call last week was a bit of a heads up when he said he was worried. We agreed over the weekend that we wouldn't go ahead, that we would walk in the door and Gaye would say 'we think we should leave it, no worries, we loved the thought and we love you' which she did. We left each other well, with plans to see each other soon and a sense of warmth between us.

It is disapointing but I am surprisingly ok with this outcome. We have spent much time workshopping our way through the known and unknown donor discussion again and I find myself able to see positives in both ... so we've made our plan b (back to the clinic we go).

And Gaye, being Gaye, has been strong, calm and found the gifts in the thought and the processes we have all been through. And that has made me love and admire her a little bit more and made me all the more sure that we will find what we need to keep on the rollercoaster a bit longer.

a new home?

We have spent the last months looking for a new home. The home we live in is small and needs renovating, we looked a renovating but really it is just to small... so we started looking.

In the process we have found one house we liked really a lot but thought it would go for more than we could afford (it didn't) one house we liked really a lot that we could live in forever and thought we could afford (we couldn't) and seemingly hundreds of houses that we walk in and out of quickly and give 'a cross' as Thomas says. Honestly, the things people do to houses. 'What where they thinking' and 'they are dreaming (said dreamen)' are two pretty familiar comments as we walk away from house hunting.

It is most efficient to go just Gaye and I, drop the small boy at a friends place and wizz from place to place - usually on foot.

It is most fun to go with Thomas - he has very definite ideas about what is required in our new home...and hugely amusing observations about other peoples homes. Key elements for Thomas are not the key elements at all for us. Regularly he suggests if the second bedroom is a bit small, that it is simple we will just put his bed in our room and the other can be his play room. Hmmm...

This weekend was a weekend where we took Thomas house hunting with us. This involves a certain amount of negotiation - because although he seems to enjoy it when he is doing it, he assures us it is 'not his thing'. So, benchmarks were set (only four houses darling) and a promise that the afternoon would involve no further adventures beyond our street.

We looked at house A - it was 'given a cross', we looked at house B it was 'given a BIG cross,’ house C we had the wrong time for so it was closed ('Yay only three houses then!') we looked at house D which was located in the street of his good friend and he thought it was FABULOUS and almost begged us not to give it a cross - but cross indeed it was given by both adults. Thomas was not pleased.

As we were leaving we came across another house - and for some reason decided to go in even though (a) we were getting grief from the small child about it and (b) it said two bedrooms and we have been diligently looking at three bedrooms.

Anyway ... it is perfect. It has a study and two bedrooms, it has two living spaces. It has a bath and a second toilet; it has separate living and sleeping/studying areas. (this makes it sound huge – it is not! It is a very typical inner city home) There is nothing in the house we hate. It is light and airy and lovely. And what Thomas likes is the stair gate (yup! that is right the stair gate)

We really think this could be our new home...a home for four (two adults, one child and a new dog) and home for us.

Bath time

I love this pretty much daily ritual in our house...

adult: ‘Thomas, how about a bath?”

child: ‘No I don’t want a bath or a shower, I had one yesterday!’

adult: “Got to have a wash darling... (on the weekends add – whenever you want is okay but you have to have one before we go out)”

child: “Alright, I will have one now but I am not staying in there, I am just getting in and out”

adult: “Okay just give yourself wash and then you can get out”

....40 mins later ... Still singing, playing laughing in the bath after using up all of the hot water.

PJ Day is called for

Thank goodness we have reached the end of term. My boy is completely and utterly over it. He has had a tough couple of weeks at school and is finding it completely impossible to keep his sense of humour. The other night after he had complained about his day at school, his teacher, his friends, dinner and a few other things and we had listened, heard and acknowledged that he was weary and over it we tried to turn his mind to happier things ... he turned to us and said 'huh! you are just trying to cheer me up!' Completely over it!

For about two weeks he has been asking for a PJ day. A PJ day is a day where we stay home all day in our PJs and don't really leave the couch. We watch dvds, play board games, eat chicken soup and icecream and don't answer the phone. A PJ day was promised for the holidays... I'm tired (this whole starting a new job is exhausting and wearing) Gaye is tired (she has hayfever) and the boy is way tired. So a PJ day is called for and tommorrow is the day. Good Friday is going to be way good. The only change to the usual routine is that Gaye is going to cook hot cross buns. Yum! I have been dehydrating grapes all week I just can't wait.

I am loving my new job actually - it is challenging but I think will be managable once I get across everything. It is so close to home and Thomas' school my day to day life has become much easier, this morning the Gaye and I had breakfast together on King St before work! A previously unheard of event. The people are nice and friendly and I feel like I can contribute... but I have to say getting across and getting access to all the systems (particuarly the technology) is driving me to distraction. I have set myself a task of one per day - today i went and got my key! - hopefully this means we will move through them. I think a PJ day might just do the trick for me too!

Crunchy

Emilin says she is 'crunchy' this is not a term I have heard used in the way she does before ... but in her description I get the feeling that I probably am a little bit crunchy. When I hear the word crunchy I think of Anzac Biscuits and autumn leaves underfoot and this new fabulous hair product I have called beach hair.. that is what I have thought of previously as crunchy. Gosh, I wonder if you can use hair product and be Emilin crunchy? I wonder if just the act of calling it 'hair product' means I am not crunchy!

We recycle our paper, plastic, glass and tin, we send our garden scraps off in the garden scrap bin for mulching and eat organic food, drink preservative free wine, my lovely gal makes pizza, bread, stock, curry paste and last night bread and butter pudding from scratch that seems pretty crunchy... we dehydrate organic grapes to make our saltanas and we re-use any plastic bags we can't avoid.

My new job has my new office looking out on to the trees of the University campus - and it reminds me of my time in Canberra - wide streets, plenty of bike paths and a pretty crunchy life I lived then.

However, now we live in Sydney right in the middle of Sydney and it aint all that crunchy to live around here! My boy has just got these new electronic black boards in his school - they are called active boards - and this week they have video conferenced a school mate who is in Hanoi for a couple of months, done their maths homework on the huge board with an electronic pen that amazingly works on the screen in some sort of high tech magic. We own a subaru, we have two tvs, the boy has two tamagotchis - these things don't seem so crunchy...

First day at the new job

Is more than half way over. So far so good - thou I feel like I have entered another land - although the uni is only a few kms from home.

I had the most gorgeous time last week - a week of slobing about, catching up on household items (the photo album is now up to date - an incredible task) and spending time at the school writing grant applications and helping in the classroom.

On Thursday I rang my newly retired father to check if he was really sure he couldn't afford to keep me so I could STAY AT HOME FOREVER... But he said no - so here I am on my first day....